A blonde female police officer stops a blonde female for speeding and says, You were going pretty fast. I am going to have to ask to see your license.

The blonde motorist digs through her purse and then looks up at the officer, and says, Can you tell me what it looks like?

The officer replies, Its rectangular and has your picture on it.

The blonde motorist digs through her purse some more and finds a small rectangular makeup mirror, looks at it and then hands it to the officer.

The officer looks at the mirror for a moment and says, You can go. I didnt know you were a cop.

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.

No matter which way you go, its always uphill and against the wind.

What are the five most common words said to a well dressed Black man?

Will the defendant please rise.

A preposition is a bad thing to end a sentence with.

And a conjunction is a bad thing to begin a sentence with.

A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says brains for sale. He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says Doctor brains $8.00 a pound’ and another sign that says ‘Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.’
So he asks the man behind the cashregister, “how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyers worth 90.00?”
The man replies, “do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?”

So theres this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I
mean hes a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating
himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and
this birds foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat,
shakes him really hard, and yells, QUIT IT! But this just makes the bird mad
and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, OK for you. and locks the bird in a kitchen
cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy
finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that
would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws
and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be
hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, hes so worried that he opens up
the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the mans out-stretched arm and says, Awfully
sorry about the trouble I gave you. Ill do my best to
improve my vocabulary from now on.

The man is astounded. He cant understand the transformation that has come
over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, By the way, what did the chicken do?

Two blondes are shopping at the mall. When they are done they go out to their car, which happens to be an awesome leather interior convertible. When they get to the car, they realize they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stand there and think for a while. Then one has the idea to try to open the car with a hanger. So the first blonde starts fiddling with the lock with the hanger. The other blonde looks up at the sky and suddenly becomes very worried.HURRY, HURRY," she urges. "ITS GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!

From the November Contemporary Comedy

Ive got the Jimmy Carter Flu. Every time you think its gone for good it pops up again.

Carter and Clinton are living proof that it takes two Democrats to screw up as much as one Republican.

Lets face it, health care is dead – and so are the people who dont have it.

Congressmen who werent reelected are leaving office with huge pensions. Thats why we cant take it us – theyre taking it with them.

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