PASSENGER
A herding creature of widely varying intellect, usually found in pairs or small groups. Often will become vicious and violent in simple and easily rectified situations. When frightened or confused these creatures collect into a group called a line. This line has no set pattern and is usually formed in inconvenient places. Passengers are of four known species: Paxus iratus, Paxus latus, Paxus inebriatus, & Paxus ignoramus.
PRE-BOARD
Passenger who arrives at the gate five minutes before departure.
VOLUNTARY OVERSALE
A passenger who arrives at the gate as the jetway is coming off the flight.
NO-RECORD
Any passenger booked through a travel agency.
NON-REVENUE POSITION
Usually can be identified by the fact that these passengers are in first class and are dressed in pilot or flight attendant uniforms. Non-revenue position are permitted to fly first class free of charge to prevent revenue passengers from being able to pay first class passenger charges.
GROUP
A large loud pack of passengers (see passenger) travelling together. The group leader, who has the tickets, usually waits in the bar until the required pre-board time of five minutes before departure, or until there are no seats left together, whichever occurs last. Reservation agents are prohibited form pre-assigning seats to groups as this may convenience them.
SIGN
An airport decoration. Usually unnoticed except by small children. Its primary function is to hide the location of various areas of the airport, i.e., gate numbers, rest rooms, baggage claim, etc.
POSITION CLOSED
This is a sign posted at various counter locations, which when interpreted by the passenger says, Form line here.
BAGGAGE CLAIM
The most difficult area of the airport to find. It is usually hidden by numerous signs saying, Baggage Claim Area.
CARRY ON BAG
An item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow managed to fit under the passengers seat on the inbound flight. Regardless of what the passenger says the following are not acceptable as carry-on items: bicycles, steamer trunks, refrigerators, truck tires, or wide screen projection TVs.
FLIGHT SCHEDULE
An entertaining work of paperback fiction.
ON-TIME
An obscure term, meaning unknown.
FOG
A natural weather phenomenon which usually occurs around an airport while the surrounding areas are clear. Fog is controlled by the airlines and is used to delay flights.
AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL
A game played by airline pilots and air traffic controllers. The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for passengers to make connecting flights.
TICKET AGENT
A superhuman with the patience of a saint, the herding ability of an Australian sheepdog, the E.S.P. abilities of Uri Geller, the compassion of a psychoanalysts, and and the tact of a diplomat. They have mysterious abilities to control wind/rain/snow/fog and all other weather phenomenon. They are capable of answering three questions at one time, while talking on the phone, and without stuttering or choking on their tongue. In later life they start carrying on mysterious conversations with themselves.

One day at school, the teacher was talking to the class about there parents occupations.

Jane put up her hand and said, My mother is a nurse.

The teacher said, Thats wonderful, she helps to cure sick people.

Andrew then out up his hand. My father is a pilot, he said.

The teacher said, Congratulations! Your father helps people get to where they are going.

Johnny then said, Miss, my father plays the piano in a brothel.

The teacher quickly changed the topic, but kept it in her head for later reference.

At the parent/teacher night a month later Johnnys parents came to see the teacher and the teacher asked him if he really was a piano player in a brothel.

Johnnys father replied that he wasnt. But that is what he told Johnny because he didnt want to admit to being a lawyer.

It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.

Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is.

Ok, I see that its above the luggage scale which is the place youd have to step forward for a kiss.

Thats not why its there.

Ok, I give up. Why is it there?

Its there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.

A photographer from a well know national magazine
was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.

The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the
fire fighters as they battled the blaze.

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke
was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it
impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level.
He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos
from the air. His request was approved and arrangements
were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where
a plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport
and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with
his bag and shouted, Lets go! The pilot swung the little
plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said, Fly over the park and make two or three
low passes so I can take some pictures.

Why? asked the pilot. Because I am a photographer, he
responded, and photographers take photographs.

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered,
You mean youre not the flight instructor?

If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them?
How do they get a deer to cross
at that yellow road sign?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Is it true that cannibals dont eat clowns because
they taste funny?
Experience is what you get when you didnt
get what you wanted.
Why do you need a drivers license to buy liquor when
you cant drink and drive?
Why isnt phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical
situations?
If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year,
why are there locks on the doors?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make
TEFLON stick to the pan?
If youre in a vehicle going the speed of light,
what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car,
its called a shipment, but when you transport something
by ship, its called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that
is used on planes, why cant they make the whole plane
out of the same substance?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

[More
one liners]

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew Id like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.Thats me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!

Im from the FAA and Im here to help you.
Me? Ive never busted minimums.
We will be on time, maybe even early.
Pardon me, maam, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
Im a member of the mile high club.
I only need glasses for reading.
I broke out right at minimums.
The weather is gonna be alright; its clearing to VFR.
Dont worry about the weight and balance – itll fly.
If we get a little lower I think well see the lights.
Im 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000 hours in a Lear.
We shipped the part yesterday.
Id love to have a woman co-pilot.
All you have to do is follow the book.
This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.
Oh sure, no problem, Ive got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
No need to look that up, Ive got it all memorized.
Sure I can fly it – it has wings, doesnt it?
Well be home by lunchtime.
Your plane will be ready by 2 oclock.
Im always glad to see the FAA.
We fly every day – we dont need recurrent training.
It just came out of annual – how could anything be wrong?
I thought YOU took care of that.
Ive got the field in sight.
Ive got the traffic in sight.
Of course I know where we are.
Im SURE the gear was down.

Never trust a pilot with clean hands. Never address a major international terrorist as Bubbi.

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks And get me a whisky you cow! The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls And get me another whisky you idiot. Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrots approach Ive asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or Ill kick you.

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says For someone who cant fly, you complain too much!

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony. Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says "Im going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy." Not to be outdone, Britney ripped $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy."Not even noticing Britneys stupid move, Christina bragged, "Look, Im going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier." At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and cant stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think Ill throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."

In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on stun.
The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a
crew of 20 just to go into warp — The Millennium Falcon does the same
thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess
Leia still looked fresh and desirable — After pithy Cardassian starvation
torture, Picard looked like hell.
One word: Lightsabers.
Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
The Death Star doesnt care if a world is class M or not.
Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he
encounters.
Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I.
Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter
impulse power — Han Solo floors it.