A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircrafts electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopters position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopters window. The pilots sign said WHERE AM I? in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.

DOS Airline:
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they
jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground
again, then they push again, jump on again and so on.
DOS with QEMM Airline:
The same thing but with more leg room to push.
Mac Airline:
All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers,
and ticket agents look the same, act the same, and talk the
same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are
told you dont need to know, dont want to know, and that
everything will be done for you without you having to know,
so just shut up.
OS/2 Airline:
To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped ten different
times by standing in ten different lines. Then you fill out a
form showing where you want to sit and whether the plane should
look and feel like an ocean liner, a passenger train, or a bus.
If you succeed in getting on board the plane and the plane
succeeds in getting off the ground, you have a wonderful
trip… except for the times when the rudder and flaps get frozen in
position, in which case you have time to say your prayers and
get in crash position.
Windows Airline:
The airport terminal is nice and colorful, with friendly
stewards and stewardesses, easy access to the plane, and a
completely uneventful takeoff…then, once in the air, the
plane blows up without any warning whatsoever.
Win NT Airline:
Everyone marches out on the runway, says the password in unison,
and forms the outline of an airplane. Then they all sit down
and make a whooshing sound like theyre flying.
Unix Airline:
Everyone brings one piece of the plane with them when they come
to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane
together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what kind of
plane theyre building.
Mach Airline:
There is no airplane. The passengers gather and shout for an
airplane, then wait and wait and wait and wait. A bunch of people
come, each carrying one piece of the plane with them. These people
all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece,
arguing constantly about what kind of plane theyre building. The
plane finally takes off, leaving the passengers on the ground waiting
and waiting and waiting and waiting. After the plane lands, the
pilot telephones the passengers at the departing airport to inform
them that they have arrived.
Newton Airline:
After buying your tickets 18 months in advance, you finally get to
board the plane. Upon boarding the plane, you are asked for your
name. After 4-6 times, the crew member recognizes your name and you
are then allowed to take your seat. As you are getting ready to
take your seat, the steward announces that you will have to repeat
the boarding process because they are out of room and need to recount
to make sure they can take more passengers.
GEORGE 3
When you ask why its taking so long to fly from Ontario
to LA they explain that 80% of power is used to keep the plane in the
air and only 20% is designed for going places.
NOS
The only way to do anything is to say it in either FORTRAN 66 or
Algol 60. Each seat has room for three normal people. You can only
get out at every 10th landing.

I heard this from my brother, who is a Search and Rescue pilot at Canadian
Forces Base Bagotville, Quebec. Its an apocryphal story that allegedly
happened late one night during bad weather, as heard over the tower radio:

Helicopter Pilot: Roger, Im holding at 3000 over <such-and-such> beacon.

Second voice: NO! You cant be doing that! Im holding at 3000 over
that beacon!

(brief pause, then first voice again): You idiot, youre my co-pilot.

(source: Rex Loring, former RAF pilot)

Air-to-ground conversation involving BOAC pilot approaching Karachi
(Pakistan) International Airport:

Pilot: Speedbird 7-0-7 here. Request permission to land on runway 42-
Left.

Tower: Sorry, Speedbird 7-0-7. Runway 42-Left is closed. There was an
unfortunate incident yesterday. But you are cleared for landing on runway
19-Right.

Pilot: Roger Karachi tower. Proceeding on approach pattern.

[As the pilot enters final approach, he is appalled to see a 747 taking
off from that runway and heading straight at him. After taking violent
evasive action, the conversation resumes]

Pilot: Karachi Tower. What is going on ?? You cleared me for landing
on runway 19-Right, but there was another plane taking off from there !!!

Tower: Oh dear. I do hope we will not have a repeat of yesterday.

The Top 15 Surprises in the Re-Mastered Star Wars

15. New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself.

14. He might not look as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of Darth Vaders seems to have helped his breathing immensely.

13. Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the knee with a light saber.

12. Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to Use the Fifth, Luke.

11. The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabbas big brother, Pizza the Hut.

10. Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.

9. C3PO has a conspicuous Intel Inside sticker on his shiny brass ass.

8. Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin goatees.

7. New scene where Luke shakes JFKs hand and tells him he has
to pee.

6. Jabba the Butt-head saying, Hehe…hehe…she said, Lay ya.

5. Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how Han Solo got his name.

4. During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2s special attachment.

3. Anti -fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint.

2. The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star? Richard Jewell.

…and the Number 1 Surprise in the Re-Mastered Star Wars…

1. Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobis light saber in bar scene none other than John Wayne Bobbitt.

Joke found on http://www.jokedepot.com

Bush, Jean Chretien, the Pope and an eight year old girl are in a plane. Suddenly, the pilot says that plane has some malfunctions and they have to jump out. There were only three parachutes so Bush grabs one, puts it on and says I am an important person, the American people depend on me! and jumped. Jean Chretien picks one up and says I am an important person, the Canadian people depend on me! and jumped. The Pope turns to the little girl and says You jump. I have lived my life! But the little girl says We can both jump, Jean Chretien jumped with my backpack!

Two hunters were off on their annual trip to the Canadian wilderness to bag a moose. As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the pilot said, Ill be back in one week to pick you up. But only one moose, please. When he returned to the lake, he found the hunters proudly standing beside two moose. I told you guys only one moose! the furious flier screamed. Theres no way the plane can take off with that much weight! Youre just a chicken pilot, one hunter said. We killed two moose last year and that pilot wasnt afraid to take off. Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, he reconsidered. All right, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it. They loaded up and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his take-off. The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space and crashed into the trees. Some time later, the hunters regained consciousness. Where are we? one asked. His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the edge of the lake and replied, Oh, I guess about a hundred yards farther than last year.

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…

Pilot – Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land … its a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.

And, after landing: Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: Whoa, big fella. WHOA!

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted.

From a Southwest Airlines employee…. Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you dont know how to operate one, you probably shouldnt be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but theyll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.

As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.

Last one off the plane must clean it.

And from the pilot during his welcome message: We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry …Unfortunately none of them are on this flight…!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, That was quite a bump and I know what yall are thinking. Im here to tell you it wasnt the airlines fault, it wasnt the pilots fault, it wasnt the flight attendants fault…..it was the asphalt!

Another flight Attendants comment on a less than perfect landing: We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, well open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendants arrival announcement: Wed like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope youll think of us here at US Airways.

A friend of a friend, who is an airline copilot, told the following stories about a captain with whom he often flew. This man was an excellent pilot, but not very good at making passengers feel at ease.

For example, one time the airplane preceeding him blew a tire on landing, scattering chunks of rubber all over the runway. He was asked to hold descent while the trucks came out and cleaned up. His announcement to the passengers:

Ladies and gentlemen, Im afraid there will be a short delay before our arrival. Theyve closed the airport while they clean up whats left of the last airplane that landed there.

Then there was the time they were flying through turbulence. Some of the passengers became alarmed at how much the wings were bending in the rough air, and one of the flight attendants relayed their concern to the captain. His announcement to the passengers:

Ladies and gentlemen, Ive been informed that some of you have noticed our wings bending in the turbulence. In fact, the flight attendant told me that the wing tips are bending as much as ten feet in the bumps. Well, thats perfectly normal; theres nothing to worry about. Our wings are designed to bend as much as thirteen feet at the tips and, as you can see, were nowhere near that yet.

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew Id like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

Thats me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com