A man walks into a bar.

Bartender asks whatll have.

Man replies A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts.

Bartender shakes his head and gives him his drinks.

All night, each time the bartender asks for his order the man says A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts.

Finally the bartender asks the man what trouble hes talking about.

The man says Give me a beer and I might just tell you.

The bartender replies, Sorry, youve had your limit for the night.

The man says Ohh, now the trouble starts..

The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town one dusty, dry, Wild West day and proceed to the first saloon, where they tie up their trusty steeds and head in for a snort.

After a while a stranger walks into the bar and asks, Who owns the white horse tied up outside?

The Lone Ranger said, Why, that would be mine. Why do you ask?

Because it’s collapsed and looks like its dying, says the stranger.

So the Lone Ranger and Tonto head out to check on Silver.

Hes probably just suffering from the heat, says the Lone Ranger, who asks Tonto if he could run around Silver for a while to help keep him cool.

The Lone Ranger returns to the bar and after half an hour another stranger walks in and asks, Who owns the white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger says, Thats mine, whats the problem this time?

Oh, no problem, says the stranger, its just that youve left your injun running.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you!

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says Hey Sen~or, I would like the worlds best beer, a Corona.

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says Id like the best beer in the world, give me The King Of Beers, a Budweiser.

The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says Id like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.

He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says Give me a Coke.

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask Why arent you drinking a Guinness?

The Guinness president replies Well, if you guys arent drinking beer, neither will I.

A blind man walks into a bar with a seeing-eye dog. When the blind man reaches the center of the bar, he snatches the dog up by his collar and starts swinging him around and around.

The bartender speaks up and says Hey what the hell are you doing?

The blind man says, Just taking a look around..

The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, Have you been fooling around with the waitress?! Oh no, sir, I sure havent, replied the bartender.

The boss replied, Good, in that case then, YOU fire her!

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively Youve got great hair! The man looked around but couldnt see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say Youre a handsome man! The man looked around, but still couldnt see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again What a stud you are! The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.

The bartender said Oh, its the nuts–theyre complimentary.

A guy walks into a bar.
The next day the same guy walks into the same bar.
The next day, a guy stops him and says arent you gonna duck?

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”

A Rabbi walks into a bar to use the restroom. He walks up to the bartender,
and asks Can I please use the restroom? The place was hoppin with music, and
dancin, till they saw the Rabbi. The bartender says, I really dont think you
should.

The Rabbi again, asks, Can I please use the restroom? Well, the
bartender says to the Rabbi, I really dont think you should, you see, there
is a statue of a beautiful naked lady, and shes only covered by a fig leaf!

The Rabbi responded with, Nonsense a man of my stature will not be bothered by
that statue! Well, the bartender showed the Rabbi the door at the top of the
stairs.

The Rabbi proceeded to the restroom, and after a few minutes, he came
back out, and the whole place was hoppin with music and dancin again! He went
to the bartender and said, Sir, I dont understand, when I came in here, the
place was hoppin with music and dancin, then the place became absolutely quiet.
I went to the restroom, and the place is hoppin again.

The bartender says,
Well, now youre one of us, can I get you a drink? The Rabbi says, I
still dont understand. The bartender told him, You see, everytime the fig
leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, can I
get you a drink?