A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, So, how did you end up with the peg-leg? The pirate replies, We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.

Wow! said the seaman. What about your hook? Well, replied the pirate, We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.

Incredible! remarked the seaman. How did you get the eye patch? A seagull dropping fell into my eye, replied the pirate.

You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?, the sailor asked incredulously. Well, said the pirate, it was my first day with my hook

Two businessmen were talking about good places to have lunch. One said, Maxies is a wonderful place for lunch. You go in for lunch and everyone says hello, immediately a delicious sandwich and a cold beer are set up on the bar for you. Thats followed by several more cold beers and its all on the house. They have music and you get to dance a bit and then you go into a back room and have wonderful sex. When its time for you to leave, the bartender gives you a twenty dollar bill and invites you to come back anytime.

The other man says, Youve got to be kidding. I find that really hard to believe. Do you go there often?

No, his friend replies, actually Ive never been there but my sister goes every noon.

A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe. They both sit at the bar and proceed to drink the night away. After a while, the plastered giraffe passes out and falls to the floor. The guy continues to drink and after a while, gets up and heads for the door. The Barternter stops him, points to the giraffe, and says, Hey, you going to leave that lyin there? And the man looks at the giraffe, then the bartender, the giraffe, then the bartender, back to the giraffe, then to the bartender and says, Thats not a lion, thats a giraffe.

A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac.

The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it wont see him. The barman looks down at him and says, Whats the matter with you? Why are you hiding? Youve got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac?

The motorway replies, You dont know him like I do. Hes a cyclepath.

This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully. Then determine your score based on question answer values provided. Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer.

1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she: (a) the most beautiful woman alive; (b) a beautiful woman; (c) attractive; (d) ugly as sin.

2. Think about your job. In your mind, is it: (a) the best job on the planet; (b) a good job; (c) a decent job; (d) the most annoying job ever.

3. Try walking. What happened? Did you: (a) find it impossible to stand up; (b) fall after standing up; (c) walk fifty feet before falling flat on your face; (d) walk one thousand feet without falling.

4. How did you get to the bar? I got here in: (a) my brand new chauffer-driven limo; (b) a brand new car; (c) a used car; (d) a rented, rusted, and damaged 1950 japanese import.

5. What do you think of your strength? I am: (a) invincible; (b) stronger than anyone in the bar; (c) as strong as the average man; (d) a weak and pathetic being.

Question answer values

For every question answered with an A, add ten points.
For every question answered with a B, add five points.
For every question answered with a C, do not change the score.
For every question answered with a D, subtract five points.
For every question answered with an E, add one hundred points.

Results

For scores ranging from fifty to 135, congratulations. Youre over and above the normal drunk. Generally, at least they are able to select a valid option. An e option does not even exist on this test. You should probably check yourself into a hospital for alcohol poisoning.

For scores ranging from thirty-five to fifty, you had ten too many beers. If you plan on driving home, make out a will first–that is, if you can even remember your own name. Lastly, dont even think about standing up.

For scores ranging from fifteen to thirty-five, you have had one too many beers. Dont drive unless you want a higher insurance rate. Standing up will probably result in injury.

For scores ranging from zero to fifteen, you may want to stop drinking now. You have probably had enough beers but dont drive unless you want a ticket. If you choose to ignore the tip to stop drinking, it is not a problem; you probably still have the ability to stand up.

For scores ranging from negative twenty-five to zero, you must just be getting started! I bet you dont even have one beer in you. In terms of driving, you are probably just getting out of the car and are walking to the bar this very moment.

This doucment was written by the employees at Glowport.

2 men are on a bar on the top of a building, the first man drinks a martini and jumps off the building. But 5 minutes later he has come back to the bar again. He does the exact same thing, he drinks a martini, jumps off the building and 5 minutes later he comes back to the bar again. The second man says, “WOW!! that’s amazing, how do you do that?” The man replies, “It’s easy, all you have to do is drink a martini and jump off!” “But how does that work?” “The alcohol in the martini gives you the ability to just float down!” So the man jumps off the building, after he had drank a martini, but he died. The second man was laughing really hard, then the bartender said to him, “Sometimes you are so slack SUPERMAN!”.

A cop pulls over a car thats been swerving across the lanes of a road.
Get out of the car, please.

But Im not drunk, officer!
Listen, it doesnt matter if youre drunk or not. If you dont get out of this car, Ill arrest you anyway.

Fine, says the man and gets out of the car.
Okay, now walk this yellow line.

The man looks at the line.
Which one of them do I walk on?

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman charges him 10 cents. Confused, but not complaining, the man pays.

After a while he decides to have another, and some food, so he orders another beer and a steak. The barman charges him 25 cents, 10 for the beer and 15 for the food.



After finishing his food and drink, he calls the barman over and says, Mate, that was the best steak Ive ever had. I want to talk to the manager and thank him.



No problem, says the barman. Hes upstairs with my wife. Whats he doing upstairs with your wife? asks the man.



Probably the same thing Im doing to his business down here!

This guy runs into a bar and shouts Quick, how tall is a penguin??

The bartender looks stunned.

An empire penguin can be about this tall he says, gesturing.

So the guy says, Oh no, I just ran over two nuns!

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.

When he enters his house, he doesnt want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldnt have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didnt know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

Well, you really tied one on last night, she said. Whered you go?

I worked late, he said, and I stopped off for a couple of beers.

A couple of beers? Thats a laugh, she replied. You got plastered last night. Where did you go?

What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?

Well, she replied, my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.