A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said “No thanks, I dont drink, I tried it once but I didnt like it!” So the bartender said, “Well would you like a cigarette,” but the man said “No, I dont smoke, I tried it once but I didnt like it!” The bartender asked him if hed like to play a game of pool, and again the man said “No I dont like pool, I tried it once but I didnt like it. As a matter of fact I wouldnt be here at all, but Im waiting on my son!” The bartender said, “Your only son I presume!!”

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender: Can I have a hot rag for my nose?



The bartender says yes, but why do you need that for your nose?



The man answers Well, a couple of seconds ago I tried to sniff coke, but and ice cube got stuck up my nose.

A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniels. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window. Much to everybodys surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar. The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it.
"Easy," says the man. "Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window."
"Wow," says the man at the bar. "I gotta try this." He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.
"Geez, Superman," says the bartender. "You can be a real a jerk when youre drunk."

A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober.

He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, Id see four!



The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds, Youre drunker than I thought!, taking the rest of the alcohol away, That cat isnt coming in, its going out!

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, Im sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.

Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk! she screamed.

Funny, he muttered, you even sound exactly like her.

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that
they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until
all the juice ran into a glass, and then give the lemon to a patron. Anyone who
could squeeze another drop of juice out would win the money. Many people tried
but nobody was able to do it.

One day a scrawny, little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester
suit. He said in a squeaky voice, Id like to try the bet. After the laughter
died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon and squeezed it. Then he handed the
wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man who clenched it in his small
fist.

Soon the crowds laughter turned to total silence as six drops of juice fell
into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000 and asked
the little man, What do you do for a living?

The little man replied with a winning smile, I work for the IRS!

A taxidermist

is on vacation down south. He is feeling



a little thirsty and decides



to have a few drinks at the



nearest tavern. Upon entering the tavern,



the conversation



stops and all eyes turn to him.





Feeling a little uneasy,



he makes his way to the bar to



order a beer. The bartender serves him



and says, Yall



aint from round these parts, is ya?





Guy: No…I



am from Connecticut.





Bartender: What is it you do up there in Connecticut?



Guy: Well, I am a taxidermist.





Bartender: A taxidermist…Hey Al, you ever hear of a taxi-



dermist?



Al: No, never heard of it.





Bartender: So Mr. Taxidermist, what is it you do exactly?



Guy: Well, I mount dead animals.





Bartender: Its OK boys–hes one of us!.

Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before Joes curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, “Excuse me, I couldnt help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?” The man replied, “Theres a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin good, Im headin home!”

A piece of balogna walked into a bar, he asks for a drink. The bartender replies, We dont serve food here.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, No pets allowed. The man replied, This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and youll see. The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turns on the game. The guy says, Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips. The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. Wow! Thats one helluva dog you got there! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown? The man replied, I dont know. Ive only had him for 7 years!