Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

Im out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who cant.

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

MY CHILD was trustee of the month at ELMWOOD!!

BAD COP! – NO DONUT!!!

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Death is Natures way of saying slow down.

Dont force it, get a larger hammer.

Earn cash in your spare time…blackmail friends.

Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.

Going the speed of light is bad for your age.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Herblocks Law: If its good, they will stop making it.

History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It works better if you plug it in.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply

Im just driving this way to get you mad.

Keep honking, Im reloading.

Hang up and drive.

Guns dont kill people, postal workers do.

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

I said no to drugs, but they just wouldnt listen.

I wouldnt be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

I wont rise to the occasion, but Ill slide over to it.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I dont suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Where theres a will, I want to be in it.

Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who dont.

I feel like Im diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Hes not dead, hes electroencephalographically challenged.

Shes always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

You have the right to remain silent….Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

Where theres a will…I want to be on it.

Its lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Dont drink and drive…You might hit a bump and spill it.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Be nice to your kids…They will pick out your nursing home.

Always remember youre unique…Just like everyone else.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Eschew obfuscation.

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

Santas elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner.

Editing is a rewording activity.

Make yourself at home …..clean my kitchen

Allow me to introduce my selves

Better living through denial

Im just working here until a good fast food job opens up….

Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done

Too many freaks not enough circuses

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.

I.R.S.: Weve got what it takes to take what youve got!

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

What is a free gift ? Arent all gifts free?

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Gravity – Its not just a good idea, its the LAW!

Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?

Life is too complicated in the morning.

All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography

Nobodys perfect. Im a Nobody.

My wife said If you go hunting or fishing one more time Im going to leave you …Im sure going to miss her.

Ask me about my vow of silence.

Todays subliminal message is: ( )

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: Its not just for breakfast anymore.

So youre a feminist…Isnt that cute.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots….I married their king.

IRS: Weve got what it takes to take what youve got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who cant handle drugs.

Out of my mind…Back in five minutes.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.