Shift to the left, shift to the right!
Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!

Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: Ive seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!

Hugh replies: Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, shes charging a small fortune.

Bill (with a chuckle): Hugh, moneys no object to me. Whats her number. So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.

They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling God…now I know why you chose the name Divine.

To which she replies: Thank you, Bill…..and now I know how you chose the name ….. Microsoft.

These are stories from help desks around the country.



At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was calling from her neighbors. She had just received her first system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was going to blow up.



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Tech Support: I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.

Customer: Ok.

Tech Support: Did you get a pop-up menu?

Customer: No.

Tech Support: Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?

Customer: No.

Tech Support: Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?

Customer: Sure, you told me to write click and I wrote click.

At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldnt, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)

Tech Support: Ok, did you type click with the keyboard?

Customer: I have done something dumb, right?



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One woman called Dells toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, I just paid $2,000 for this damn thing, and Im not going to read the book.



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Customer: I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message.

Tech Support: Did you install the update?

Customer: No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?



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Customer: Im having trouble installing Microsoft Word.

Tech Support: Tell me what youve done.

Customer: I typed A:SETUP.

Tech Support: Maam, remove the disk and tell me what it says.

Customer: It says [PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk.

Tech Support: Insert the MS Word setup disk.

Customer: What?

Tech Support: Did you buy MS word?

Customer No…



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Tech Support: Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the OK button displayed?

Customer: Wow. How can you see my screen from there?



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Customer: Uhh…I need help unpacking my new PC.

Tech Support: What exactly is the problem?

Customer: I cant open the box.

Tech Support: Well, Id remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there.

Customer: Uhhhh…ok, thanks….



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Customer: Im having a problem installing your software. Ive got a fairly old computer, and when I type INSTALL, all it says is Bad command or file name.

Tech Support: Ok, check the directory of the A: drive-go to A:> and type dir.

Customer reads off a list of file names, including INSTALL.EXE.

Tech Support: All right, the correct file is there. Type INSTALL again.

Customer: Ok. (pause) Still says Bad command or file name.

Tech Support: Hmmm. The files there in the correct place-it cant help but do something. Are you sure youre typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?

Customer: Yes, let me try it again. (pause) Nope, still Bad command or file name.

Tech Support: (now really confused) Are you sure youre typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says Enter?

Customer: Well, yeah. Although my N key is stuck, so Im using the M key…does that matter?



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At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computers asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.

Customer: Hello. I cant get on the network.

Tech Support: Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage.

Customer: What is that?

Tech Support: That little barcode on the front of your computer.

Customer: Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar. . .



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And the best for last!!!!

Customer: I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive wont work.

Tech Support: Your A drive wont work?

Customer: Thats what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it wont work at all.

Tech Support: Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?

Customer: I didnt get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldnt come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didnt work either.

Tech Support: You did what sir?

Customer: I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldnt budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit.

Tech Support: I dont understand sir, did you push the eject button?

Customer: No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I cant believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective.

Tech Support: Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A: drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?

At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.

Tech Support: Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?

Customer: I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out.

Tech Support: Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button? Silence.

Tech Support: Sir?

Customer: Yes.

Tech Support: Sir, did you push the eject button?

Customer: No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer?

Tech Support: Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didnt follow the instructions we sent you, didnt actually seek professional advice, didnt consult your users manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?

Customer: Ummmm.

Tech Support: Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?

Customer: (now rather humbled) But youre supposed to help!

Tech Support: I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day.

[Picard] Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to
access their command pathways?

[Geordi] Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through
our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.

[Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.]

[Riker looks puzzled.] What the hell is Microsoft?

[Data turns to answer.] Allow me to explain. We will send this program,
for some reason called Windows, through the Borg command pathways. Once
inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources
at an unstoppable rate.

[Picard] But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Wont they alter their
processing systems to increase their storage capacity?

[Data] Yes, Captain. But when Windows detects this, it creates a new
version of itself known as an upgrade. The use of resources increases
exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt
quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken
over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.

[Picard] Excellent work. This is even better than that unsolvable
geometric shape idea.

. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

[Data] Captain, We have successfully installed the Windows in the
command unit and, as expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all
resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected
upgrade.

[Geordi] Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU
capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an upgrade to
compensate for their increase.

[Picard] Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is
something we have missed.

[Data] Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the
upgrade. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by
not sending in their registration cards.

[Riker] Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
emergency escape sequence 3F . . .

[Geordi, excited] Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has
suddenly dropped to 0% !

[Picard] Data, what do your scanners show?

[Data] Apparently the Borg have found the internal Windows module
named Solitaire and it has used up all the CPU capacity.

[Picard] Lets wait and see how long this solitaire can reduce their
functionality.

. . . Two Hours Pass . . .

[Riker] Geordi, whats the status on the Borg?

[Geordi] As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they
successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space
monitor beacon to transmit more windows modules from something called
the Microsoft fun-pack.

[Picard] How much time will that buy us ?

[Data] Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest
time span of 6 more hours.

[Geordi] Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.

[Picard] Identify.

[Data] It appears to have markings very similar to the Microsoft logo

[Over the speakers] THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP
MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS
SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10
SECONDS

[Data] The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
thousands of humanoid shaped objects.

[Picard] Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft

[Riker] Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the
Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures
of deep space ?!

[Data] I dont believe that those are humans sir, if you will look
closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized
by twenty-first century man as doe-skin leather briefcases, and wearing
Armani suits

[Riker and Picard together horrified] Lawyers !!

[Geordi] It cant be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling
into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.

[Data] True, but apparently some must have survived.

[Riker] They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all
types of papers.

[Data] I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as red tape. It
often proves fatal.

[Riker] Theyre tearing the Borg to pieces !

[Picard] Turn off the monitors. I cant stand to watch, not even the
Borg deserve that.

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin. Somebody asked her how that could be possible.

Well, she said. The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage.

The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day.

The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be.

1. Debug code developed 4 years ago for a rush project with absolutely no documentation? Love to!

2. More documentation? Love to!



3. Why would anyone who spends every day of the week working on a computer want to spend any of their free time playing computer games?



4. Join in a Quake game? No thanks, Im leaving early to spend some quality time with my friends and family.



5. Please – not pizza again.



6. Who wrote this? Ive never seen such clean code! It should take me no time at all to debug it.



7. Im really more of a morning person myself.



8. Id really like to work in a big corporate environment where I can wear all of my favorite ties.



9. Microsoft – all the tools and support youll ever need.



10. I really dont know the answer to that question.



11. From a network guy – No Im sure its not an application issue – I probably just havent segmented the LAN correctly – Ill get right on that.



12. From a developer – I have complete confidence in the network so why dont I just take a look at my code.



13. Its too simple, need more tables.



14. This field name is too descriptive, we love mystery here.



15. Please let me copy those 800MB source files over the network with my 32MB of RAM machine.



16. Yeah, give administrator permissions to EVERYBODY.



17. It will be done before deadline, under budget and with the extra features you wanted.



18. Oh, wow, more reports!!! WooHoo!!!



19. Data integrity?!?!? we dont need no stinkin data integrity.



20. Go ahead, put that zip code in the Street name field.



21. We can always manually correct all those bad entries.



22. Theres no real difference between Text Strings and Numbers, its all zeros and ones after all…



23. Hey! I met the deadline! Woohoo!



24. Please let me wear a shirt and tie to work… I hate flip-flops.



25. Can you make a last minute change to the data structure. I like pressure.



26. Hey, call Microsoft! I bet they have the answer!

Customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question.
Customer: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program?

UNIX consultant: Yes, thats correct.

Customer: No, what is it?

UNIX consultant: Yes.

Customer: So, which is the one?

UNIX consultant: No. which is used to find the program.

Customer: Stop this. Who are you?

UNIX consultant: Use who am i not who r yoo. You can also finger yoo to get information about yoo.

Customer: All I want to know is what finds the revision code.

UNIX consultant: Use what.

Customer: Thats what I am trying to find out. Isnt that true?

UNIX consultant: No. true gives you 0.

Customer: Which one?

UNIX consultant: true gives you 0. which programname.

Customer: Lets get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?

UNIX consultant: Type find / -name it -print to find it. Type what program to get the revision code.

Customer: I want to find the revision code.

UNIX consultant: You cant find revisioncode, you must use what program.

Customer: Which command will do what I need?

UNIX consultant: No. which command will find command.

Customer: I think I understand. Let me write that.

UNIX consultant: You can write that only if that is a user on your system.

Customer: Write what?

UNIX consultant: No. write that. what program.

Customer: Cut that out!

UNIX consultant: Yes, those are valid files for cut. Dont forget the options.

Customer: Do you always do this?

UNIX consultant: du will give you disk usage.

Customer: HELP!

UNIX consultant: help is only used for Source Code Control System.

Customer: You make me angry.

UNIX consultant: No, I dont make me angry, but I did make programname when I was upset once.

Customer: I dont want to make trouble, so no more.

UNIX consultant: No more? which will help you find more. Every system has more.

Customer: Nice help! Im confused more now!

UNIX consultant: Understand that since help is such a small program, it is better not to nice help. And more now is not allowed but at now is. Unless, of course, now is a file name.

Customer: This is almost as confusing as my PC.

UNIX consultant: I didnt know you needed help with pc. Let me get you to the Pascal compiler team…

You get a tatoo that says This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher.

You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP…because you never log off.

The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

Your wife says communication is important in a marriage…so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the back button.

Why cant dogs use computers?

Because you cant stick your head out of Windows 95

One of Microsofts finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, Its leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!