Each day I try
to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group,
the salty snack group, the caffeine group, and the whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is
group.

A cannibal and
his son are going to look for food. They hide behind some bushes and waited
for someone to come by.
After a few minutes, a skinny man comes by. The son says "How about
him, dad?" "No," says the father, "hes too skinny."
A short time later, a fat man wanders by. "What about that guy,
dad?" asks the son. "Too much cholesterol."
A little later, a pretty, 20 year old lady walks by. The son asks, "Dad,
how about her?" The father replies "Yes! Lets take her home
and eat your mother!"

Youve tried Dr.
Stillmans Quick Weight Loss Diet, the Sardine Diet, the Grapefruit Diet,
and more, but youre still lugging those extra pounds around. Whats a
food lover to do? Good news! Ten new diets have just arrived on the scene.
One of them is bound to do the trick.
1. The Internet Diet. You lose weight because youre
so addicted to being online, you dont eat for days at a time.
2. The Fantasy Diet. You eat a Collard Wrap while fantasizing
youre really eating Death by Chocolate.
3. The Play With Your Food Diet. Youre so busy making
a castle out of your mashed potatoes, you forget to eat them.
4. The Food Chess Diet. You and a friend play chess
using food tidbits as chess pieces. You are only allowed to eat when you
capture your friends players. You lose the game and you lose weight.
5. The Rolling Table Diet. You sit on a chair on wheels,
trying to eat at a table on wheels. The motorized floor under your table
is constantly shifting, so you dont get to eat much, and thus lose weight.
(This is similar to The Seasick Diet, but takes place in your own land-lubbing
home.)
6. The Fishermans Diet. A fisherman holds a pole whose
end is attached to a morsel of food in your mouth. Every time your try
to bite down on the food, the fisherman pulls the food away.
7. The Puffed Food Diet. All your favorite foods are
re-made in the style of puffed wheat or puffed rice. Your Cheese Ravioli
is now mostly air, so you dont gain any weight.
8. The Mock Puffed Food Diet. In this diet, all the
foods you like to eat are made of styrofoam, to resemble the Puffed Food
Diet. Now you cant eat the food at all. (You try to, and spit it out.)
You really lose weight.
9. The Edible Flowers Diet. You are only allowed to
eat edible flowers. You get bored with them and eat nothing, thus lose
weight.
10. The Love Diet. You munch playfully on your sweethearts
hand. You gain no calories; you lose weight. Your sweetheart loses interest
in you because s/he preferred you with love handles.

Bathroom
scales: equipment which only seems to work correctly when one
holds on to towel rail, stands on one foot and leans hard to the left.

A beggar walked
up to a woman who was just about to go into a coffee shop and exclaimed,
"Lady, I havent eaten in a week."
"Wow!" exclaimed the woman, "I wish I had your will power."

An overweight blonde
consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run 10 miles
a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty
pounds.
The blonde follows the doctors advice, and, after thirty days, she was
pleased to find that shed indeed lost twenty pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which
produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however,
she asked one last question:
"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

A man returns from
Africa and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately
rushed to the Hospital, to undergo a barrage of tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and
the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor. Weve had the results back from your tests
and weve found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely
contagious!"

"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do,
doctor?"

"Well were going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pitta
bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but…its the only food we can get
under the door."

A friend and I
had joined a Weight Watchers group. At the first meeting the lecturer
asked members which food or department at the supermarket was the most
tempting to them. One man confessed that Chinese egg rolls were his greatest
weakness, and a woman said she found it almost impossible to resist anything
chocolate. Finally it was my friends turn. Taking a deep breath, she
announced, "Aisles two, three, four and five."

It seems that a
lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything from an all-carbohydrate
to an all-protein mix. I have another suggestion, one that has worked
through the ages: the "Beer-Me" diet. Personally, I have a "liquid
dinner" every time I go to the club on Friday night!
FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is
almost all water, and the part that isnt water is almost pure carbohydrates.

FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake
of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically
safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" diet, that
equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable
goal.
FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes
the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout
regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking
(very good for your heart) and squats (as the case may be).
FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even when
you arent necessarily tired. All that added rest is certain to help any
problems you may have experienced in sleep deprivation, counting calories
on those other fad diets. In addition, you may experience the occasional
"How did I get here?" when you wake up, which always makes for
lively conversation, and possibly additional exercise if you have to sneak
out and run home.
FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your
heart. After just one day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you
will certainly want to consume some aspirin, which is medically proven
to help prevent heart attacks.
FACT: On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything
you want. The only rule is that you cannot consume any food until you
have consumed at least half of the days required beers. This way the
food will probably only stay in your body a short time, until you again
exercise the deep knee bends, quick walk and, this time, the "lean-over-and-hurl"
stomach crunches.
FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other
forms of exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to build
up a thirst, as is chasing members of the opposite sex. If you really
want to maximize your workout, try actually walking up to the bar, versus
using a waitress. To take this to the extreme, you could even get up and
get someone else a beer-perhaps someone who is newer to the diet plan
than yourself.
FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig.
Based on these facts, lets run through a given scenario for diet implementation.

CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be
attempted during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters.
MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food, and basically
be a slob.
FRIDAY: Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor
store and stock up. Go to favourite place of beer drinking and begin the
consumption process (remember 12 for women, 15 for men).
SATURDAY: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all
day, feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food that you may have
accidentally consumed (particularly if it involved beef jerky from 7-11).
Take aspirin. Notice that you have absolutely no interest in food, anyway.

SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite
has still not returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption goal
due to an ongoing discussion with "the dog that bit you." This
is a good thing, as only half-consumption means less than 1,000 calories
for the day, and you still dont feel hungry.
SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day. This
is a very convenient diet during football season, but it can be successfully
implemented year-round. There is some major professional sport being played
every day of the year except the day before and the day after the Major
League All-Star game (fact-look it up). Consumption on this day should
be paced to cover the entire day-you dont want to peak too soon. Again
you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner all the time. Dont
forget the aspirin.
MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested,
and surprisingly mellow. Mark your log book, and begin preparation for
the upcoming weekend.
Happy dieting.