Forget Atkins!
Forget South Beach!
The Baghdad Diet is the only plan out there that has real results and
it’s so easy. You only need to spend 6 months in coalition custody
– no kidding that is it!

The Secret – three squares a day and no snacking. Coalition forces
will feed you three well balanced meals a day and they will make sure
that you don’t snack.
Simply Call Coalition Forces at 1-800-BAGHDAD.
Don’t wait to call – youre only robbing yourself of an opportunity
of a life time.

Did you hear about
the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight?
He tries the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, etc. and
none worked. He was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small
ad which read: Lose weight £1.00 a pound. And it simply listed a
telephone number.
Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on the other
end asked, How much weight do you want to lose?, to which the man responded,
Ten pounds.. The voice replied, Very well, put you check in the mail
and well have a representative over to your house in the morning.
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. Here
stands a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign
around her neck stating, If you catch me you can screw me. Well the
overweight fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through
the kitchen, all around the house. Finally he did catch her and when he
was through enjoying himself she said, Quick, go into the bathroom and
weigh yourself!. He did just that and was amazed to find that he had
lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked,
How much weight do you want to lose?, to which the somewhat less overweight
man replied, Twenty pounds.. Very well, the voice on the phone told
him, Put your check in the mail and well have a representative over
to your house in the morning.
At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door.
When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blond dressed only in track
shoes and a sign around her neck stating If you catch me you can screw
me. The chase took awhile longer this time but the man finally did catch
her. When he was through she told him, Quick, run into the bathroom and
weigh yourself! He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another
20 pounds!
This is fantastic!, he thought to himself. Later that evening he called
the number again and the voice at the other end asked, How much weight
do you want to lose?. Fifty pounds!, the man exclaimed. Fifty pounds?,
the voice asked. Thats an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.
The overweight man replied, My checks already in the mail. You just
have your representative over here in the morning, and he hung up the
phone.
About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed and gets all fancied
up, ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock
on the door. When he opens the door he sees this large gorilla with a
sign around his neck stating, If I catch you Im going to screw you.

1. Slowly begin
to reintroduce harmful foods. Suggestions are potato chips, pizza with
extra cheese, white bread, milk, coffee or coke, milk shakes from edible
oil products, fried chicken, french fries deep fried in beef fat, eggs
from chemically-raised chickens, steak with barbecue sauce and a small
portion of overcooked vegetables. Throw in a couple of chocolate bars
to insure an optimum toxin level.
2. Eat very few raw fruits and vegetables. If you must eat vegetables,
make sure the life has been cooked out of them. The best fruits are canned
and preserved in sugar syrup.
3. Give your juice machine away. Drink bottled or canned juices with
vegetable oils. Canned vegetable juice is fine because all the enzymes
have been destroyed through pasteurization.
4. Swallow food whole. Use butter as a lubricant. Deep fried foods will
require less chewing.
5. Eat as much as you possibly can at one sitting. This conditions the
muscles that support the stomach to expand, accommodating an increased
volume of food.
6. Avoid fiber at all cost. If forced to eat whole wheat flour, pick
the bits of bran from the bread. This will allow the food to pass more
slowly through the intestine so the body may absorb optimal toxic chemicals.
7. Do not exercise. Exercise oxygenates the cells and triggers the lymphatic
system that cleans the body. Try to remain in an inactive horizontal position.
8. Snack regularly during the night so as to curb the bodys natural
tendencies to detoxify during sleep.

If shop mannequins
were real women, they would be too thin to menstruate.
There are 3 billion women who dont look like supermodels and only 8
who do.
Marilyn Monroe wore a size 12.
If Barbie were a real woman, shed have to walk on all fours due to her
proportions.
The average American woman weighs 144 lbs. and wears between a size 12
and 14.
One out of every 4 college aged women has an eating disorder.
The models in the magazines are airbrushed – they are not perfect!
A psychological study in 1995 found that 3 minutes spent looking at models
in a fashion magazine caused 70% of women to feel depressed, guilty and
shameful.
Twenty years ago models weighed 8% less than the average woman, today
they weigh 23% less.

An elderly couple
were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of
heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your ocean-side appartment, over
there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you
need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout
the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked
off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadnt heard about
all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

Now I lay me down
to sleep,

I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

If I should die before I wake,

I pray the Lord my fat to take,

And leave behind a skinny shell,

And all my fat can go to hell!

This is a specially
formulated diet, designed to help you cope with the stress that builds
up during the day:
BREAKFAST

1 grapefruit

1 slice whole wheat toast

1 cup skim milk
LUNCH

Small portion lean, steamed chicken with a

cup of spinach

1 cup herbal tea

1 chocolate biscuit
AFTERNOON TEA

The rest of the chocolate biscuits in the packet

1 tub of Rocky Road ice cream with Choc-ice topping

1 jar nutella
DINNER

4 bottles of red wine

2 loaves garlic bread

1 family size supreme pizza
LATE NIGHT SNACK

Whole frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten

directly from freezer)

Heres the final
word on nutrition and health. Its a relief to know the truth after all
those conflicting medical studies.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills
you.

Can it be a mistake
that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards ?

– If youve got
melted chocolate all over your hands, youre eating it too slowly.
– Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries
all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
– The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the shop in
a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the car park.
– Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. Itll take the edge
off your appetite and youll eat less.
– A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories
in one place. Isnt that handy?
– If you cant eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But
if you cant eat all your chocolate, whats wrong with you?
– If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate
to protect themselves.
– Money talks. Chocolate sings.
-Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

-If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top tights.
An entire garment industry would be devastated.
– Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to
do today. That way, at least youll get one thing done.