A rather large
gentleman whose name was Paul was married to a woman who was as heavy
as he was, if not more so. They had two children. All their friends quietly
wondered how they had managed to conceive.
One evening at the bar a friend of Pauls got up the nerve to ask him,
how it was possible that he and his wife conceived their children, being
as large as they are.
To this Paul replied:
"You guys with small dicks are always asking me that!"

An overweight business
associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took
his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite
bakery.
One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic chocolate
cake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I
accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window
was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, Lord,
if you want me to have one of those delicious chocolate cakes, let me
have a parking place directly in front of the bakery. And sure enough,"
he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"

Only in America…
…do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

People are always
on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you
dont get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you dont get enough variation
(the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people
tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now theres
the new Toddler Miracle Diet!
Over the years you may have noticed that most two years olds are trim.
Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet.
You may want to consult you doctor before embarking on this diet; otherwise,
you may be seeing him afterwards. Good luck!!!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with
grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on
the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, and then smear the jelly over your face
and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any colour), a handful of potato
chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest)
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips
of flat Pepsi.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen
floor…

DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and
eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable
dye.
Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick
and a handful of Dog Food (any flavour). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack: Lick a lollipop until sticky, take
outside and drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean
again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be
thrust up your left nostril. Pour orange squash over mashed potatoes;
eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one
with fingers, then rub fingers in hair. Glass of milk, drink half, stuff
other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays lollipop from
rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp
up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of crisps, some red
punch. Try to laugh some punch through nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavour),
bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes; add
half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal
to dog.
Lunch: Eat breadcrumbs off kitchen floor and dining
room carpet. Find that lollipop and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave
meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

Two blondes decided
to split a can of Diet cola. One blonde opened the can, and poured half
the contents into her own glass, and half into her friends glass. Before
tossing the can, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the
side.
"Only one calorie per can," she read aloud.
"Hmm," murmured the other blonde. "I wonder which glass
has the calorie?"

"I never worry
about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number of carats
in a diamond."

~ Mae West

Rosey and Nina
were best of friends and tried to do everything together. Rosey announced
that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on
recently.
"Good," Nina exclaimed. "Im ready to start a diet too.
We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the
urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, Ill call you first."
"Great," Rosey replied. "Ill ride with you to Burger
King."

1. If you eat something,
but no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet coke whilst eating a chocolate bar, the calories
in the chocolate bar are cancelled by the diet coke.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories dont count as long as you
dont eat more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. Example: hot chocolate,
brandy, toast, Sara Lee cheesecake
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of
the entertainment package and not part of ones personal fuel.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie
causes calorie leakage.
8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not
strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.
9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off
knives and spoons have no calories. Examples: peanut butter on a knife,
ice cream on a spoon
10. Foods of the same colour have the same number of calories. Examples
are: spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. Chocolate
is a universal colour and may be substituted for any other.

Calorie:
Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average
individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

1. Weigh yourself
fully clothed after dinner and again the next morning without clothes
and before breakfast, because its nice to see how much weight youve
lost overnight!
2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything, including eyeglasses. In this case,
blurred vision is an asset. Dont forget to remove jewellery as it could
weigh as much as a pound!
4. Buy only cheap scales, never the medical kind. Accuracy is the enemy
and high quality scales are very accurate.
5. Always go to the bathroom first.
6. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for up to half a pound
of hair (hopefully).
7. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale. (Air has
weight, right?)
8. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto a towel
rod slowly edge your other foot onto the scale while slowly releasing
the towel rod. Admittedly, this takes time, but its worth it. You will
weigh at least two pounds less than if youd stepped onto the scale normally.