Top Ten
Reasons Why Diets Are Better Than Sex
10. You dont have to take off your clothes.

9. You can go from diet to diet without feeling guilty.

8. Celery is ALWAYS hard.

7. On a deit, you carefully consider everything you put in your mouth.

6. Its GOOD if a diet is over quickly.

5. Dieting doesnt make you pregnant.

4. You can doze off in the middle if you want to.

3. Its okay if your dog watches.

2. You can do it with your best friends husband.
And the number one reason why dieting is better than sex….
1. You dont have to worry if it was good for the cottage cheese too.

Cookies and milk
out; eggs, beef, chicken, cheese in
North Pole Santa Claus announced today in his annual pre-holiday press
conference that he has begun the popular Atkins diet, and is asking for
help from families around the globe. Atkins dieters are allowed to consume
large amounts of high-fat foods such as eggs, beef, and cheese. Carbohydrates,
which are found in pasta, breads, and fruits, and sweets, are not allowed.
Mr. Claus said that he decided to start the diet after he could not fit
into the trousers he wore to deliver gifts last year.
"I couldnt bring myself to buy new trousers, and I havent had
a good body image lately. I had to do something, and quick", said
Claus. "Having a belly like a bowl full of jelly is one thing, but
being a complete fat ass is another. I mean, even my jolly little toe
has fat on it." According to inside sources, Mrs. Claus may have
also played a part in his decision to lose weight.
An elf, who wished to remain anonymous, said that Mrs. Claus "is
getting more and more involved" with day-to-day operations, especially
as Christmas nears. "She pretty much runs the toy factory, and she
is making all the elves work a lot of overtime. Plus, she made us all
sign waivers saying we wouldnt sue if we got injured on the job. Now,
Santa suddenly goes on the Atkins diet? I guarantee that is her doing.
Shes a real pain in the ass. Weve all started calling her Yoko".
Santa says that his goal is to lose twenty pounds before he delivers
gifts on Christmas Eve, leaving him plump, but not grossly obese. And,
says Claus, he needs everyones help to stick to his diet.
"I am asking the families of the world to leave snacks for me that
are low in carbohydrates. Unfortunately, this means that the traditional
snack of cookies and milk is not acceptable. Good alternatives are scrambled
eggs, cheese, beef, or chicken."
Experts agree that a thinner Claus may be a healthier Claus, but think
that the new snack requests may spoil some of the fun and tradition of
Christmas.
"I think its great that Santa wants to lose a few pounds",
says holiday expert Michelle Bosler. "But a great Christmas traditions
is being altered. Leaving cookies and milk for Santa Claus dates back
hundreds of years. I dont think families will enjoy scrambling eggs or
broiling a T-bone for Santa quite as much. And these low carbohydrate
snacks are much more expensive than a couple of store bought cookies."
Despite the criticism, Claus vows to stick to his Atkins diet. "Im
going to do this. Ive tried other diets, and I just cant stick to them.
I mean, have you ever had a SlimFast shake? Tastes like liquefied wood."
North Pole spokesperson Sandy Ashton said that if families are uncomfortable
leaving eggs or meat as a snack, they could opt to leave no snack at all.
"Wed rather Santa not have a snack than eat foods that are high
in carbohydrates. For families who dont wish to leave a low-carb snack,
we ask that they leave a note of encouragement for Santa, or some bourbon,
which is a low-carbohydrate beverage. Dieting is difficult, and he needs
support if he is going to succeed."

In the beginning,
God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green
and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and
healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonalds. And McDonalds brought forth the double-cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure
that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive
oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own
platter. And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the
roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra
pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not
have to toil to change channels.

And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "Youre running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and
brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre
into crisps and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.And
Man clutched his remote control and ate the crisps swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Breakfast

1/2 grapefruit

black coffee

1 piece dry toast

1 sm. glass skim milk
Lunch

1 lettuce leaf

2 tomato slices

2 oz. broiled chicken

4 carrot sticks

1 whole wheat roll with 1 tsp reduced-calorie butter

1 cup red jello

Dinner

1/2 cup salad

1 tsp low fat Italian dressing

4 oz. hamburger patty

2 1/2 slices canned pear

1/4 cup cottage cheese

slice wheat bread
also–8 glasses of water

What You Really Eat

8 a.m. Breakfast

You skip breakfast. Youre not hungry, and this gives you an extra 100
calories for the day.
10 a.m.

You decide to have that black coffee as you see the doughnuts being brought
into the office. You drink your first glass of water, proudly resisting
the doughnuts.
11 a.m.

You are hungry and have a hard time concentrating on your work. You look
forward to lunch.
12 p.m. Lunch

You hungrily eat everything on your diet, including the jello, which you
have hated since you were a child because of that time when you got your
tonsils taken out and they gave you jello at every meal.
1 p.m.

You drink your second glass of water for the day.
1:30 p.m.

You drink your 3rd and 4th glass of water for the day.
2 p.m.

You drink your 5th and 6th glass of water for the day. You marvel at how
a person can be hungry and nauseous at the same time. Your co-worker has
popcorn at her desk and you smell it but are too sick to even want any.
She offers you some and you decline, telling her how little youve eaten
today and how the smell of the popcorn doesnt even tempt you. She is
impressed.
3 p.m.

You are hungry. You know that another co-worker has chocolate on her desk
and there is an open invitation to take some. You do, after all, have
an extra 100 calories for the day. You restrict yourself to one piece
of candy, proud of your willpower. You are still 50 calories ahead.
3:30 p.m.

You are still hungry. Your mind wanders. You remember the Tic Tacs in
your desk — only 2 calories apiece. You eat two. 46 calories left.
3:45 p.m.

You eat two more Tic Tacs. 42 calories left.
4 p.m.

You eat the rest of the pack of Tic Tacs. You are in the negative, but
optimistic. Youll skip the pear at dinner.
5 p.m.

You are famished. You drink the last 2 glasses of water to get you through
to dinnertime.
5:30 p.m.

You arrive home. A bag of crisps is blocking the way to the pasta that
you will be using to make the family dinner. After thinking twice about
it you rip open the package and eat one crisp.
5:35

You eat one more crisp.
6:30 p.m.

You eat the rest of the package of crisps, 6 tablespoons of pasta as you
cook it, and then have a big tub of Haagen Daz. You tell the family that
you are doing too well on your diet to ruin it with dinner. They are impressed.

Along comes another
new diet.

And of course I just have to try it.

So I part with my dough,

But the pounds never go;

"Oh waiter, more chicken –and fry it!"

After my husband
asked me to help him shed some unwanted pounds, I stopped serving fattening
TV snacks and substituted crisp celery.
While he was unenthusiastically munching on a stalk one night, a commercial
caught his attention. As he watched longingly, a woman spread gooey chocolate
frosting over a freshly baked cake.
When it was over, my husband turned to me. "Did you ever notice,"
he asked, "that they never advertise celery on TV?"

Mirror, mirror
on the wall

Do you have to tell it all?

Where do you get the glaring right

To make my clothes look just too tight?

I think Im fine but I can see

you wont cooperate with me;

The way you let the shadows play

Youd think my hair was getting gray

Whats that, you say? A double chin?

No, thats the way the light comes in;

If you persist in peering so

Youll confiscate my facial glow,

And then if youre not hanging straight

Youll tell me next Im gaining weight;

Im really quite upset with you

For giving this distorted view;

I hate you being smug and wise –

O, look whats happened to my thighs!

I warn you now, O mirrored wall,

Since were not on speaking terms at all,

If I look like this in my new jeans

Youll find yourself in smithereens!

Youve seen those
ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts of contraptions. Well,
theres no need to invest in fancy equipment. If you have (or can borrow)
a dog, you have everything you need to get in shape now!!! The following
exercises can be done anywhere, anytime.
Inner Thighs: Place the dogs favourite toy between
thighs. Press tighter than the dog can pull. Do not attempt bare legged
– dogs who favour shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You
could be damaged.
Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog – off the couch, off
the bed, out of the flowerbed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages,
this exercise is reversed – onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car
and so on.
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1: Remove your puppy
from unsuitable tight places. If theyre too small for him, theyre certainly
too small for you. Do it anyway!
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2: Practice not falling
when your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through
the air, and slams both front paws into the back of your knees.
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 3: (for use with
multiple dogs) Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it
stops ringing.
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 4: (alternate) For
older dogs, attempt to cross a room without tripping over the dog. Get
off your couch without crushing any part of a sleeping elderly dog.
Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw
the Frisbee. Repeat until nauseous.
Upper Arms: (alternate) Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy.
Tug the sock. Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives
up (we all know which comes first).
Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from dogs
locked jaw. This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat.
Repeat. Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be
quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet,
which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches.

Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your
body, hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you
tug back. WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bones and
small dogs. Have you taken your calcium supplement today?
Calves: (alternate) Run after dog – pick any reason,
there are plenty. Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds
are inadvisable.
Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmanoeuvre the canine tongue
headed for your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program.
A dog is never too old or too feeble to "French Kiss" you when
you least expect it.

The second day
of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day youre off
it.

~ Jackie Gleason

Q:
What is the difference between a hungry man and a glutton?
A: One longs to eat and the other eats too long.