One night a father sent his kid to bed.

Five minutes later the boy screamed,
Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!

No. You had your chance, said the father.

A minute later the boy screamed,
Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?

No. You had your chance.
The next time you ask, Im going to come up there and give you a good spanking! said the Dad.

Two minutes later the boy screamed,
Dad! When you come up to spank me
can you bring me a glass or water?

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

Hed toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.

After being informed of the problem, their daughters date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the fathers nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.

The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.

The mother said, Thats wonderful. Isnt he smart? What do you think hes going to be when he grows older?!

The father replies From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

Is it a boy or girl Gorilla? the service guy asks.

Boy, is the mans response.

Oh yeah, I can do it. Ill be right there, says the service guy.

An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: Now, Im going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorillas testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him.

The man asks, What do I do with the shotgun?

The service guy replies, If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua.

1. You have the right to swing first. Anything you do can and will lead to an ass-kicking. 2. You have the right to have a priest and/or an EMT present at the time of the ass-kicking. 3. If you dont have a priest, one will be appointed free of charge, to read you your last prayer.

The Miranda Rights As Cops Would Really Like To Read Them…..

1. No, I dont care who you are. 2. No, I dont care who you know. 3. Yes… you DO pay my salary. 4. Yes… you CAN have my job. 5. No, I dont have anything better to do. 6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes. 7. No, I am not picking on you because you are _____________ (fill in some ethnic group/race). 8. No, I cant give you a break. 9. No, I dont know your friend, Officer ______. 10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call. 11. Yes, Im sure you will never do it again. 12. No, we cant talk about it. 13. Yes, it DOES make me happy. 14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.

Doctor my son swallowed a razor!

What did you do?

I used the electric shaver!

A woman gives birth to a baby. Afterwards, the doctor comes in, and
says, I have to tell you something about your baby.

The woman sits up in bed and asks, Whats wrong with my baby, Doctor?
Whats wrong?

The doctor replies, Well, now, nothings wrong, exactly, but your
baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite.

The woman looks a little puzzled, A hermaphrodite… whats that?

The doctor says, Well, it means your baby has both the… er…
features… of a male and a female.

The woman turns pale. She exclaims, Oh my god! You mean it has a
penis and a brain?

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, If you kiss me, Ill turn into a beautiful princess. He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week. The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, Ill stay with you and do ANYTHING you want. Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, What is the matter? Ive told you Im a beautiful princess, that Ill stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why wont you kiss me?

The boy said, Look Im an engineer. I dont have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.

Do you believe in life after death?, the boss asked one of his employees.

Yes, Sir, the employee replied.
Well, then, that makes everything just fine.

The boss went on,
After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmothers funeral,
she stopped in to see you.

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.

Who is that man… and why is he so upset? a passenger asks the ships captain.

I have no idea, says the captain, but, every year when we pass by here, he goes crazy.

Wife:
In Des – A woman who gives you your underwear and towel when you go to take shower.

In Pardes – A woman who yells at you not to leave tub dirty when you go to take a bath.

Son:
In Des – A teenager, who without asking will carry your grocery bags from the market.

In Pardes – A teenager, who suddenly remembers he has lot of homework when you start mowing the lawn.

Daughter:
In Des – A lovely doll, who brings tears to your eyes when she is getting married.

In Pardes – A lovely doll, who brings you to tears long before any marriage.

Mother:
In Des – A woman who defends you and cares for you, but would not dare to go against your fathers wishes for you.

In Pardes – A women who is a sucker for anything you want, especially if dads against it.

Father:
In Des – A person you are afraid of, and who is never to be disobeyed.

In Pardes – A person to whom you pretend to obey, after all he is the one paying your college tuition.

Desi Engineer:
In Des – A person with a respectable job and lots of upper ki kamai.

In Pardes – A person without a secure job, who always dreams one day he will be rich.

Desi Doctor:
In Des – A respectable person with reasonably good income.

In pardes – A money making machine, who has a money spending machine at home called doctor di biwi.

Bhangra:
In Des – A vigorous Punjabi folk dance.

In Pardes – A desi dance you do, when you dont know how to dance.