Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers that, If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy.

No, Clinton says, That would be an ACCIDENT.

A girl raises her hand. If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside…that would be a tragedy.

Im afraid not, explains Clinton. That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.

The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.

What? asks Clinton, Isnt there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?

Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy.

Wonderful! Clinton beams. Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?

Well, says the boy, because it wouldnt be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!

Two young blonde women are sitting at a bar in such an obviously celebratory mood that the bartender drifts over intending to offer them a drink on the house. When he gets close he hears one say to the other Heres to 17 days!

Smiling, the bartender says, Congratulations! Whats so special about 17 days?

Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, Well, weve been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!

This woman consulted a doctor, explaining that for many years she sufferred from excessive farting, but there was never any sound or smell so she had done nothing about it. So the Doctor took down all of her medical history, a process that took quite a while.
At the end, the woman says, You see, Doctor, while Ive been sitting here talking to you Ive broken wind five times, but theres no sound and no smell.

At this point, the Doctor scribbled something on a pad, ripped off a sheet and handed it to the woman. Whats this? she asked, some pills?

No, replied the Doctor, that is a prescription for a hearing aid; come in next week, and we will operate on your nose.

The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on by a beautiful young woman. She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasnt sure. So she asked now big I was and I said, Compared to what?

She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, Im bigger than that.

Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, Im bigger than that.

Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, Im about that big.

She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, Youre a medium.

In my 2nd year at University, I became fairly serious about Gabriella, a fellow student. Well, serious enough to take her home and meet my parents. My mother hated her on sight. However, in a typical bourgeois fashion, she never made comments about Gabriella that were less than totally positive. Quoting from memory, these are some of the things she said, and (in brackets), what I thought she really meant:

Shes vivacious
(Shes as high as a kite and a total bore)
She has a sparkling conversation
(She talks non-stop about herself, in a shrill voice)
She has an endearing accent
(Her peasant upbringing shows clearly)
Shes a careful driver
(But a reckless flier, on her broomstick)
I gather shes very popular
(I gather she sleeps around a lot)
She has a trim body
(Shes a carpenters dream: flat as a board and easy to screw)
She has nice legs
(Pity about the hair)
I gather shes interested in art
(I gather she has a phenomenal collection of centerfolds from HUNKS magazine)
Shes too young to marry
(I gave you life and I will take it away, if you even think marrying her)

I did not marry Gabriella. She married a Veterinary Doctor, had a number of adorable cats and two appalling children.

At a gynecologists convention Dr. Goldfinger began to read his paper on The Variation of the Clitoris.

One of the most unusual cases I ever came across, he told his audience, was a clitoris that had a close resemblance to a watermelon.

Dr. Goldfinger was interrupted by another doctor, who said that he might have been examining an enlarged organ but to compare it to a watermelon would indeed be frivolous.

Goldfinger stared him down and replied: I wasnt referring to size but to taste.

Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like were popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady.

The city-slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, Lady, Ill give you $10 for a blow job.

The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city slicker on the spot.

The lady gasped and said, Thank you, suh, for defendin mah honor!

Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot from back east is gonna raise the price of a woman in Texas!

A blonde had two horses, but she couldnt tell them apart. So she asked her neighbor for advice. He suggested that she cut the tail off one of the horses.

This worked until the other horse snagged his tail on a fence. So the neighbor suggested notching one of the horses ear.

This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence. So the neighbor suggested measuring the heights of the horses.

And sure enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse!

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.

Tim, you be first, she said. What does your mother do all day?

Tim stood up and proudly said, Shes a doctor.

Thats wonderful. How about you, Amie?

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, My father is a mailman.

Thank you, Amie, said the teacher. What about your father, Billy?

Billy proudly stood up and announced, My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.

Later that day she went to Billys house and rang the bell. Billys father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billys father said, Im actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?

An Irish bloke goes to the doctor: Dactor, its me ahrse. Id loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. Incredible. he says, There is a $20 note lodged up here.

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the mans bottom, and then a $10 note appears.

This is amazing exclaims the Doctor What do you want me to do?

Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man suggests the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another etc …

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dats moch batter, how moch is dare den?

The Doctor counts the pile of cash. $1990 exactly.

Ah, datd be roit. I knew I wasnt feeling two grand