A patient says, Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: Could you please pass the butter? But instead I said: You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition. What are you going to do with the prize money? the officer asked. The man responded, I guess Ill go to driving school and get my license. At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, Officer, dont listen to him. Hes a smart aleck when hes drunk. This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, I knew we wouldnt get far in this stolen car. At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked Are we over the border yet?

Worf signs his son Alexander up for ballet lessons.
Data swears.
Guinan removes her hat, revealing that she is a Saturday Night Live
style Conehead.
Picard beams down.
All of Geordis lines are in words of two syllables or less, with no
pseudo-scientific doubletalk.
Troi runs amok with a machete.
Barclay is really the Captain; Picard is just an ensign, and all of his
command has been a holodeck simulation.
No guest stars are relatives of Tasha Yar.
Geordi gets a woman.
Riker doesnt get a woman.
Data states that he cannot use contractions after using one in the
previous scene, and the fabric of the universe, unable to withstand the
continuity error, is rent asunder.
Picard wakes up muttering theres no place like home.
Riker accepts command of another starship, the U.S.S. ZZ Top.
Ten Forward is turned into a strip-joint, with its lead act being Beverly
Crusher as The Dancing, Disrobing Doctor.
Tired of not being sure whether he is a lieutenant or a chief petty
officer, OBrien beams the entire bridge crew into a black hole and assumes
the rank of Captain.
Picard fires the phasers.
Prime Directive is the word of the day, entire crew goes Aaaaahhhhh!!
at the top of their lungs whenever it is mentioned.
Datas cat, Spot, is revealed as a Romulan spy.
Wesley is affected the same as the rest of the crew, and a no-name
security guard saves the ship.
Picard switches from Earl Grey to Nestea Instant Tea Mix; does Nestea
Plunge into swimming pool on holodeck.

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE ARENT:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box

7. If I have to lick one more, Ill gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!

5. HMMMMM, I think its out of fluid!

4.My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.

3. Its an entry-level position.

2. When do you think youll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty, but at the office isnt:

1. its not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM ARENT:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge.

8. Counselor, lets do it in chambers.

7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offence?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in a law firm isnt:

1. Think you can get me off?

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF ARENT:

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I cant get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty, but in golf isnt:

1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first.

Top Ten Things Only Women Understand

10. Cats facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

8. Why bean sprouts arent just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, off-white and eggshell.

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

And the number one thing women understand…

1. Other women!

Private Jones was assigned to the army induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Servicemans Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasnt long before the centers lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the lieutenant stood in the back of the room and listened to Joness sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said:

If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you dont have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000.

Now, he concluded, which recruits do you think they are going to send into battle first?

A bored truck driver had a nasty habit of swerving to hit attorneys he found walking along side of the highway.

One day as he was driving along he came across a Nun who appeared to be having car trouble.

Pulling over to offer the Nun a ride to the nearest service station, the Nun graciously thanked the driver for stopping and accepted his offer.

After driving a few miles the truck driver saw an attorney walking along the highway.

As was his custom, the truck driver swerved to hit the attorney but, at the last moment, remembered he had the Nun as a passenger and abruptly swerved away to avoid hitting the attorney.

Surprised upon hearing a loud thump as he passed the attorney, the truck driver peered in his rear view only to see the attorney lying injured along side of the road.

Im so sorry Sister, I thought I missed hitting that attorney! the truck driver plead.

You did my son, but I got him with the door! gleed the Nun.

An Indian brave returns from a scouting trip and seeks out the Chief.

Chief, I have bad news, worse news and good news.

The Chief asks for the bad news first.

Scout says, No more buffalo on reservation, we kill last one today.

Chief asks for the worse news.

Brave says, Our land is being overrun by white men. They are coming by the
thousands.

Finally the chief asks for the good news.

The brave says, Chief, the white men taste just like buffalo.

Speak in a strange foreign accent. when someone asks where you are from, name a country only you can pronounce.Use a different accent every time you talk to someone new.When getting food, pile everything onto your plate in heaping servings – make sure to use your hands!Ask the host, Who threw this cheesy party, anyway?Turn cartwheels across the floor. If you can turn a back flip, all the better!Bring a novel and curl up in a corner with it.Cough all over guests, then exclaim, Doctor says a few more years and Ill be cured…Hang your head and whisper one-word answers to questions.Play a lullaby on a kazoo during a speech (singing a lullaby works okay, too)

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says: The parrot on the left costs $500.

Why does the parrot cost so much?

asks the customer. The owner says Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research.

The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.

Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, What can it do?

To which the owner replies, To be honest, Ive never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.