Guy: If i saw u naked Id die happy.. Girl: If i saw you naked Id die laughing!!

This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the
doctor tells him, I have good news and bad news, what would you like
to hear first?

Patient, Well, give me the bad news first.

Doctor, You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years
left.

Patient, Thats terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What
kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?

Doctor, You also have Alzheimers. In about three months you are
going to forget everything I told you.

Fellow 1: Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too.

Fellow 2: Wow, thats Incredible. How did he know all of that?

Fellow 1: The judge told him.

You cant be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. – Frank Zappa.

Always do sober what you said youd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. – Ernest Hemingway.

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. – Winston Churchill.

He was a wise man who invented beer. – Plato.

Time is never wasted when youre wasted all the time. – Catherine Zondonella.

A woman drove me to drink and I didnt even have the decency to thank her. – W. C. Fields.

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. – Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
Madam, if you were my wife I would drink it. – Churchills reply.
Sir, youre drunk! – Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
Yes madam, and youre ugly. But in the morning I will be sober. – Churchills reply.

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. – David Daye.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. – Henny Youngman.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. – Benjamin Franklin.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. – Jack Handy.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. – Dave Barry.

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. – Humphrey Bogart.

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. – David Moulton.

People who drink light beer dont like the taste of beer, they just like to pee a lot. – Capital Brewery, Middleton, Wisconsin.

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. – Kaiser Wilhelm.

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. – Homer Simpson.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. – Unknown

I drink to make other people interesting. – George Jean Nathan.

They who drink beer will think beer. – Washington Irving.

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. – Ernest Hemingway in For Whom the Bell Tolls.

Youre not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. – Dean Martin.

All right, brain, I dont like you and you dont like me – so lets just do this and Ill get back to killing you with beer. – Homer Simpson.

Two smart, attractive, well-educated young law graduates, Sally and Edith, were competing for a prestigious job.

As part of the job interview each was asked why she wanted the job.

Edith answered that she wanted to work for a firm with a reputation of being concerned with truth and justice.

When it was her turn, Sally simply opened her purse, took out a rather thin wallet and laid it on the senior partners desk.

I want to fatten it up as fast as possible she said.

Sally got the job

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. Doctor, the hormones youve been giving me have really helped, but Im afraid that youre giving me too much. Ive started growing hair in places that Ive never grown hair before. The doctor reassured her, A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared? On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about…, replied the lady.

One day two blind men started fighting.

Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them.

Then one of the members of the crowd yelled out I bet 10 bucks on the one with the knife.

Both men ran away.

Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Daves porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel.

He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, Mabel, Id sure like to be doing what that bull is doing.

Well then, why dont you? Mabel whispered back. It is YOUR cow.

[ I heard this from my girlfriends Austrian grandmother –
it may lose something without the heavy accent, dahlink. ]

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint
the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and
gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught
about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts
on a large overcoat so as to cover the frozen seat, and they go. When
they get to the doctors, the man lifts his wifes coat to show their
predicament. The man asks, Doctor, have you ever seen anything like
this before? Well, yes, the doctor replies, but never framed.

What is the difference between a washing machine and a sorority girl?

You can throw your load in a washing machine and it wont follow you around for three weeks.