3 guys go into a bar. The booze begins to flow pretty heavily in the course of the evening and the guys get split up. Next morning theyre all at work discussing what went on after they lost one other…

The first guy says, Man I was so trashed last night I went home and blew chunks!

The second goes, Shit thats nothing I was so tanked that I drove my damn car into a tree. Totaled it. I have no idea what the cops are going to do!

The third guy says, Thats nothing I was so drunk that I went home and starting cussing my girlfriend out and in the process knocked over a candle and it caught the whole damn apartment on fire – the insurance wont cover it, plus my girlfriend left me.

The first guy leans back in and whispers, I dont think you guys understand, Chunks is my dog.

A blind man is seeking employment at a lumber yard as a salesmen.

The manager who is interviewing the man tells him that he is more than qualified for the position other than the fact that in order to sell the lumber he would have to see it to know the size and kind of wood he was selling.



No replied the blind man, I do not have to see it, all I have to do is smell it.He then asked the manager to test him on this by placing any size and type of lumber he wanted on his desk and without touching it he would identify it.



The manager agreed and placed a 8 Ft x 2in x 4 in piece of pine on his desk.



The blind man smelled it once and correctly indentified it as a 8 ft. x 2in x 4in piece of pine.



The manager then tested him with a 4ft x 4in x 4in piece of oak.



Immediately the blind man identified it as a 4ft x 4in x4in piece of oak.



Thinking he could trick the blind man, the manager got his secretary to strip and lay naked on the desk.



The blind man smelled her up and down, then up and down again. Scratching his head he said, You almost fooled me, but thats a shit house door off of a fishing boat.

Q: Which is the odd one out – a refrigerator, a washing machine, a TV or a woman?

A: The TV because all the others leak when theyre fucked!

I got this one from my Uncle over the Christmas Holidays, Ive no idea
where he got it from….

A seven year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be
confronted by his teacher:

Teacher: Morning Tommy, and why werent you at school yesterday?

Tommy: Well Miss, my Grandad got burnt.

Teacher: Oh Dear, he wasnt too badly hurt I hope?

Tommy: Oh yes Miss, they dont fuck around at those crematoriums.

Heres a list of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong.

I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

Gun wounds again?

Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

A normal person wouldnt steal pituitaries.

Damn, Ill burn you into a BBQ chicken!

Take my advice, or Ill spank you without pants.

Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

Quiet or Ill blow your throat up.

You always use violence. I shouldve ordered glutinous rice chicken.

Ill fire aimlessly if you dont come out!

You daring lousy guy.

Beat him out of recognizable shape!

I have been scared shitless too much lately.

I got knife scars more than the number of your legs hair!

Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

How can you use my intestines as a gift?

This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you
will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert
floor for your aunts to eat.

Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and
can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough
extermination.

Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up
together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on
some ass of the giant lizard person.

Two [ethnic] guys, Fred and Bob were walking down a street.
They saw a pile of something that sparked their interest.

Looks like shit Bob said.

Yup, yup, looks like shit. Fred answered.

Smell it, see if it smells like shit. Bob told him.

So Fred smells it and says, Yup, smells like shit.

Feel it, see if it feels like shit. Bob said.

Yup, sure feels like shit. Fred answers.

Taste it, maybe it tastes like shit. Bob told Fred.

Yup, yup. Tasted like shit. Fred said.

Well, if it looks like shit, smells like shit,
feels like shit, and tastes like shit, it must be a pile of shit.
Bob concluded.

Im sure glad we didnt step in then.

Two fat guys sitting in a bar. One finishes

his drink and says to the other, Your round



The other replies So are you, you fat fuck

A man and woman were celebrating their 50 year anniversary. That night, the woman comes out of the bathroom completely naked and looks at her husband who is already in bed. She says, Honey, 50 years ago tonight, when I came out of the bathroom with no clothes on, what were you thinking?

He said, I was thinking that I wanted to suck your titties dry and fuck you until you couldnt think straight. She smiled at him and said, So what are you thinking now?

He said, I think I did a pretty good job!

There are four kinds of sex involved in a marriage.

The first is Smurf Sex… This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until youre blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex… This is at the beginning of the marriage; youll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex… Youve calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex… This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, Fuck you!

There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex… This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court!

Telegram received from ex-employee:

Fuck you. I quit. Strong message to follow.