Welcome to EBONICS 101

Herein follow a few terms to help you get started on your merry way towards the ve-nak-u-lar…

Damn- that shit is DOPE!

That is a wonderful concept/object/action.

Cant FADE that.

I am unable to comprehend or assimilate that concept at this time.

Shante aint havin it.

This is not something that Shante will allow to occur.

Homey- Boo was dropping PHAT beats.

Our friend Boo was playing some wonderful music.

YO!- Let me GAFFLE that BLUNT!

Might I be able to indulge in your marijuana cigarette?

JIMMY was on and I was HITTIN it!

I had in my possession a condom, which was used in my engagement of sexual activity.

Whats up? Why you ALL UP in my shit!?!

Please sir/madam- stay out of my affairs.

She is HELLA CLOWIN you HOMEY!

The woman is creatively informing you that her interest in dating you is non-existent at this time.

Woooooo- Renaldo was PITCHIN STRAIGHT GAME to baby-doll, and it was SMOOOOVE!

Renaldo was creatively inquiring as to the marital status of the female, with the intention of asking her on a date.

STEP OFF Cool- before I bust PHAT CAPS in your A** with my NEINER…

It would be beneficial to your physical state to leave this area, as I will soon be encouraged by your disrespect towards me to shoot bullets into your buttocks with my 9mm pistol.

Why is 5-OH always BUGGIN!?!~~~~

Why are the police officers always worried?

Friday night- COLD CHILLIN with a 40 and a BLUNT.~~~~

It is Friday eve, and I am leisurely enjoying a forty ounce bottle of malt liquor and a marijuana cigarette.

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen into his life, when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: Quawwwwk… vus macht du… Yeah, du… outside, standing like a putzel… eh?

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldnt believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot…

Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?

Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. He speaks Yiddish?

Vuh den? Chinese maybe?

In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his fathers adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep.

Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin all the while, saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted some too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven (**), and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He had been saved.

One morning, on Rosh Hashana, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyers shoulder.

Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven. Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.

All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyers shoulder as one prayer and song passed – Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, Daven! Nothing.

Daven…parrot, you can daven, so daven…come on, everybodys looking at you! Nothing.

After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, upset as hell, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the Temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him.

You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tfillin and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashana, why? Why did you do this to me?

Dont be an idiot, the parrot replied. Think of the odds on Yom Kippur!

Business Rules to Live By

If you cant get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Dont be irreplaceable, if you cant be replaced, you cant be promoted.

It doesnt matter what you do, it only matters what you say youve done and what youre going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you dont succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your bosss boss off your bosss back.

Everything can be filed under miscellaneous.

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isnt the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldnt.

If it wasnt for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you dont know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, How would the Lone Ranger handle this?

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

I heard a story of a woman going into a bank with her son who was about 5 or

6. He was being a brat and his mother was having a hard time controlling him. When she finally got to the teller, she sat the boy on the counter and said, Now you be a good boy or Ill tell Gramma how you were acting and she wont give you anymore cookies.

The child sat there for a moment with a scowl on his face and then told her, and everyone else in the bank, Oh yeah? Well Ill tell Gramma I saw you sucking Daddys cock!

The place went completely silent and the woman just picked up her son and left without finishing her banking.

The Perfect Dump — Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, its rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But thats not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it. The Beer Dump — Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumpers tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesnt matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.
The Chili Dump – Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.
The Cable Dump — Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from? you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.
The Latrine Dump — In case you didnt know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Dont ever, ever look in the hole.
The Mona Lisa Dump — This is the masterpiece of dumps. Its as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe thats going a bit too far.
The Empty Roll Dump – Youre done…you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains…no, someone would say Where are the curtains? Then what would you say? The rug?…too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every empty roll dumper must face…Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.
The Splash-Back Dump – You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now youre wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping.
The Aborted Dump – You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isnt pretty, but youve gotta do what you gotta do.
The Alfresco Dump — Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of Brownies or a patch of poison ivy.
The Childbirth Dump — This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isnt going to get any better. You wonder if youll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf. You realize youll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do: Scream, call an Obstetrician, or just hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.
The Tijuana Trot Dump — The phrase Shit Happens really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours youd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.
The Machine Gun Dump — Youre just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran, cradling his umbrella like an M16 and shrieking something about “damn Commies.”
The Sound Effect Dump — You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects: flush the toilet, sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem, or drop a handful of quarters on the floor
The Security Dump — You have enough on your mind when youre in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you cant reach to do this… hum loudly.
The Cling-On Dump — For the most part youve completed your dump, but theres one little morsel that refuses to drop off. Youre getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.
The Houdini Dump — You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Whered it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe…maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? Youd better, because if you dont, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
The Flu Dump — You feel so bad that you dont know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again…up down up down. Dont you wish Mom were close by?
The Porta-Pottie Dump — Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, “Its like taking a shit in an upright coffin.” Its claustrophobic and it smells bad… best advice… go in a paper cup.
The Proctologist Dump — In the beginning, the Lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didnt create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it — you run out of gas. Thats right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. Youve only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend youre a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??
The Whole Roll Dump — No matter how much you wipe, it doesnt seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.
The Graffiti Dump — You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there…love it or leave it. Its your choice.
The Encore Dump – Ahhhh, youre done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The worlds record is seven encores.
The Born Again Dump – This is a dump thats going so badly, you say “Lord, if I live through this, Ill take up religion.” You always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth… you forget the pain quickly.

The Vain Person
One who loves the smell of his own farts.The Amiable Person
One who loves the smell of other peoples farts.The Proud Person
One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.The Shy Person
One who releases silent farts then blushes.The Imprudent Person
One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.The Unfortunate Person
One who tries hard to fart, but shits instead.The Scientific Person
One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.The Nervous Person
One who stops in the middle of a fart.The Honest Person
One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.The Dishonest Person
One who farts but blames the dog.The Foolish Person
One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.The Thrifty Person
One who always has several farts in reserve.The Anti-Social Person
One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.The Strategic Person
One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.The Sadistic Person
One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.The Intelligent Person
One who can determine from the smell of his neighbors fart, precisely the latest food items consumed.

Two blokes were painting Concorde at Heathrow airport in London and it was taking a long time. They had just reached the wings and one goes, Smell this paint, it smells like vodka!!

The other bloke says Yeah, youre right, have a swig.

So he takes a swig, and it is just about palatable. Come the end of the shift they have drunk 37 cans of paint between them and they are completely pissed. They stumble back to their homes and go straight to bed, nearly dead.

The first bloke wakes up and hes got the biggest hangover of his life. He climbs out of bed and falls flat on his face. He looks at his feet and he notices that some little wheels have grown out the soles of his feet.

What the fuck … he exclaims.

He skates into the bathroom and he could not believe what he saw in the mirror. He had a 7 inch long pointy nose instead of his own, his shoulders were pushed back and his arms were now flattish.

Oh, for fucks sake …

Suddenly, the phone goes, he answers it and it was his mate from the day before.

Thank God youve phoned … Ive got wheels on my feet, a long pointy nose, flat arms and I dont know what the fuck is going on …

The reply came, Yeah, I know … whatever you do dont fart, Im phoning from Bahrain!!

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AQUARIUS (Jan 20 – Feb 18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a freakin jerk.
PISCES (Feb 19 – Mar 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their noses.
ARIES (Mar 21 – Apr 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick.
TAURUS (Apr 20 – May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn Communist.
GEMINI (May 21 – Jun 20) You are quick and intelligent and a thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
CANCER (Jun 21 – Jul 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and wont be worth a damn.
LEO (Jul 23 – Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.
VIRGO (Aug 23 – Sep 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This shit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
LIBRA (Sep 23 – Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of veneral disease.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 – Nov 21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio people are murdered. SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 – Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and pot heads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting fucked.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 – Jan 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

The Positive Orgasm: Oh yes, Ohh yesss, OH YESSSS!

The Negative Orgasm: Oh no, Ohh nooo, OH NOOO!

The Spiritual Orgasm: Oh god, Ohh goddd, OH GODDD!

The Fake Orgasm: Oh Richard, Ohh richard,Oh Reeeechaaaaard!!!!

The Indian Classical Orgasm : Nahi Nahiiii Nahii….

The Rock N Roll Orgasm : O Baby, O baby…. O baby

The Heavy Metal Orgasm : Cmmon Honey, Go Johnny,Yeah Baby, Deeper Honey, Comin baby, EEEEaaahh, EEyyyeEAAh, Yeeeaah..

The Instrumental Orgasm : Ooonnnh, OooOOONNNNh, eeeEEEeAAAAaoOOhh

The Alternative Orgasm : O Shit O Fuck OShiiit O Fuck OooohShhhhhiiit…

One fine morning the milkman arrives at the house of family Jones. Mrs. Jones
opens the door, and asks him to come inside. She invites him in the
kitchen, where a huge and very good breakfast is prepared for him. He sits
down and very much enjoys all the excellent food. When he is finished
she asks him to come upstairs, and the milkman certainly has a good time!

When they dress and go down, she gives him a 5 dollar bill. Now the
milkman is really surprised, and asks where the 5 dollars are for. She
replies: Well, yesterday I told my husband that is was your birthday
today, and he said: So what, fuck the milkman, give him 5 bucks.
But the breakfast was entirely my idea!