[From Manchesters popular history book, The Glory and the Dream]

The reporter met the troop ship bring back demobilized soldiers after
World War II. He wanted to write a human interest story, and asked
one soldier, Whats the first thing youll do when you get home?

The soldier immediately replied, Fuck my wife.

The reporter realized hed never get that printed, and asked,
Oh. Well, whats the second thing?

Then Ill take off these Goddam filthy combat boots!

After 40 years of marriage, Jimmy decides to leave Katherine.

She starts crying and then asks, How can you do this, Jimmy? How can you just walk out? The first year we were together, you caught pneumonia and almost died! Who sat by your bed and nursed you back to health? Me!

And when you lost half your family in the terrible car crash, who kept you going and kept your spirits up? Me!

And when our kids grew up and ran away from home, who sat with you can comforted you? Me!

And when you lost everything last year in the fire at the store, who stayed at your side the whole time? Me!

How could you leave me, Jimmy? Youve been through everything with me.

Jimmy replies, Thats just the problem, Katherine! Youre just fucking bad luck!

Not for those who take their religion TOO seriously…

Taoism:
Shit happens
 
Confucianism:
Confucius said: Shit happens
 
Buddhism:
If shit happens, it isnt really shit.
 
Zen:
Whats the sound of shit happening?
 
Hinduism:
This shit has happened before!
 
Islam:
If shit happens, it is the will of Allah!
 
Protestantism:
Let shit happen to someone else.
 
Catholicism:
If shit happens, you deserve it.
 
Judaism:
Why does this shit always happen to us?
 
Atheism:
I dont believe this shit!
 
Agnosticism:
Whats this shit?

Never let a fool kiss you or a kiss fool you. –Joey Adams

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, its one of the best. –Woody Allen

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. –Jim Backus

Only decent girls keep a diary. The others dont have the time.
–Tallulah Bankhead

Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the
art of insincerity possible between two human beings. –Vicki Baum

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage. –Ambrose Bierce

Women need a reason to have sex — men just need a place. –Billy Crystal

Love: a seasons pass on the shuttle between heaven and hell. –Don Dickerman

Theres only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is Ill get married again.

–Clint Eastwood

Relationships are hard. Its like a full-time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice.
There should be severance pay, and before they leave you,
they should have to find you a temp. –Bob Ettinger

Getting divorced just because you dont love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
–Zsa Zsa Gabor

Im an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. –Zsa Zsa Gabor

ABC News says Americans spend $300 billion every year on
games of chance, and that doesnt even include weddings and
elections.

–Argus Hamilton

Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and youre going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth. And you should save it for someone you love. –Butch Hancock

Matrimony is the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented. –Heine (1797-1856)

Love is only the game that is not called on account of darkness. –M. Hirschfield

Love is like pi – natural, irrational, and very important. –Lisa Hoffman

Bigamy is having one husband to many. Monogamy is the same. –Erica Jong

Moving together with a man is like buying something you have long admired in a shop window. Youre exalted when you bring it home, but you soon discover that it doesnt match the rest of the furniture. –Jean Kerr

I love being married… I was single for a long time and I
just got so sick of finishing my own sentences. –Brian Kiley

I dont worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. –Sam Kinison

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural,
wholesome things that money can buy. –Steve Martin

The Japanese have a word for it. Its judo – the art of conquering by yielding. The western equivalent of judo is, Yes, dear. –J. P. McAvoy

I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. Please, Ill only put it
in for a minute. What am I, a microwave? –Beverly Mickins

Were going to talk about sex — actually, youre going to talk about sex, because I cant remember. –Professor Ralph Noble

You watch a talk show recently? Theyre doing one next month on a normal, happy heterosexual couple, assuming they can find one. –Ralph Noble

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw
any reason to limit myself. –Emo Phillips

A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a
divorce. –Don Quinn

Every time I date a man I think: Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? –Rita Rudner

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. Theyve experienced pain and bought jewelry. –Rita Rudner

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To us, sex is an emergency, and no matter what were doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. Theyre very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
–Jerry Seinfeld

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. –George Bernard Shaw

No one is more carnal than a recent virgin. –John Steinbeck

Instead of getting married again, Im going to find a woman I dont like
and just give her a house. –Rod Stewart

They say marriage is a contract. No, its not. Contracts
come with warrantees. When something goes wrong, you can
take it back to the manufacturer. If your husband starts
acting up, you cant take him back to his mamas house. I
dont know; he just stopped working. Hes just laying around
making a funny noise.
–Wanda Sykes-Hall

It is an infantile superstition of the human spirit that virginity would be thought a virtue and not the barrier that separates ignorance from knowledge. –Voltaire

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. –Unknown

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. –Unknown

Sex on television cant hurt you unless you fall off. –Unknown

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. –Unknown

The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no genitals.

When something is new and improved, which is it? If its new, then there has never been anything before it. If its an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too. Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you cant eat? What, should I eat someone elses cake instead?

When people say Its always in the last place you look. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after youve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

When people say, while watching a movie Did you see that? No dicknose, I paid $8.50 to come to the theatre and stare at that thing over there. What did you come here for?

The radio ad Hi, Im Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Dont drink and drive. I dont. Well, I hope you dont drive sober either Mr. Healey. Youre blind for gods sake!

People who ask Can I ask you a question? Didnt really give mea choice, did ya there buddy?

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

This guys at work when he receives a call from
the hospital informing him that his wifes been in
an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where
hes met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting
room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his
face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy
interrupts.

Guy: Doc, dont tell me my wifes dead. I just cant take it. Really, I cant
take it. I love her.

Doctor: Well, sir, I do have some bad news.
Again the guy interrupts.

Guy: Doc, just tell me, did she make it?
Doctor: As I was saying, we did all we could. Right
now shes in a vegatative state, which is likely
where shell remain for the rest of her life. She
can stay here overnight, but after that, youll have
to take her home because your insurance doesnt cover
this type of thing.

The guy slumps, just crushed.

Doctor: With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times
a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, shell likely
live for at least another 30 years.

The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.

Doctor: As I said, your insurance doesnt cover this kind of care, so youll
have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment youll need
for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell
it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. Youre gonna need the excess
cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you
to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify
for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid.

By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.
The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder
and says, Hey, look at me. The guy looks up and
the doctor smiles and says, Im just fucking with
you, shes dead.

John and Marie (both unmarried) went to the same church. Marie went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. John went on Christmas and Easter and, once in a while, he went on one of
the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Marie and he
noticed what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, John leaned forward and said, Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday? Why yes, John, that would be nice, said Marie.Well, John couldnt believe his luck. All week long he polished up his
car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, the finest
restaurant in town. When they sat down, John looked over at Marie said, Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner? Oh, no, John,said Marie. What would I tell my Sunday School class? Well, John was setback a bit, so he didnt say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. Hey, Marie, said John, would you like a smoke? Oh, no, John, said Marie. What would I tell my Sunday School class? Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car and was driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn. Hed struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. Hey, Marie, said John, how would you like to stop at this motel with me? Sure, John, that would be nice, said Marie. Well, John couldnt believe his luck. He made a U-turn right then and there across the median and drove back to the motel and checked in with Marie. The next morning John got up first. He looked at Marie lying there in the bed.
What have I done? What have I done? thought John. He shook Marie and she woke up. Marie, Ive got to ask you one thing, said John. What are you going
to tell your Sunday School class?! Marie said, The same thing I always tell them… You dont have to smoke

There were 3 roosters, a gay one, a retarted one, and a normal one. The normal one said cock a doodle doo The retarted one said doodle doodle cock. And the gay one said any cock will do!!!

These are alledged to be some actual maintenance complaints submitted
by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews:

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem #1: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution #1: #2 Propeller seepage normal.
Problem #2: #1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem: The autopilot doesnt.
Signed off: IT DOES NOW.

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: Volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: Thats what theyre there for.

Problem: Number three engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

[Ed: forwarded by the submitter, making the rounds in a very big way,
supposedly from a USAF public board]

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing 747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO….. She forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cockpit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts BE SILENT! There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, OEING! OEING! OEING! OE….