What do blondes and cow shit have in common? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, Oh God, Im fucked.

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out, No, you are not fucked. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living crap out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again, Okay. … NOW youre fucked.

Joke donated by The House of Fun

THE BRITISH BOARD OF HEALTH HAS PROPOSED THAT WARNING SIGNS BE PLACED ON BOOZE BOTTLES TO TIP OFF DRINKERS ABOUT THE POSSIBLE PERIL OF POUNDING A PINT OR TWO.

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to say things like thish.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you cant remember)

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.

Ahhh…I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again…

I dont know what your problem is, but Ill bet its hard to pronounce.

I see youve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Ill try being nicer if youll try being smarter.

It sounds like English, but I cant understand a word youre saying.

I can see your point, but I still think youre full of shit.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just dont give a damn.

Im already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Thank you. Were all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?

Do I look like a people person?

This isnt an office. Its Hell with fluorescent lighting.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Im trying to imagine you with a personality.

Can I trade this job for whats behind door #1?

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

This guy enters a contest to see who can write the dirtiest limerick.

He writes a real doozie and figures that hes a lead-pipe cinch to win. Six weeks later he gets a notice in the mail that hes come in second place. Curious as to what could be filthier than the limerick he entered, he calls up the contest judge.

The judge says, Well, you certainly had a fine entry, but there was one that just was hands-down dirtier than yours. Id read it to you, but there are certain words I just cant say over the telephone.

All right, the contestant says, when you come to a word you cant say on the phone, just say the word blank.

So the contest judge says, Good. Heres the winner:

Blankety, blankety, blank

Blankety, blankety, blank.

Blankety blank,

Blankety blank,

Blankety blankety fuck.

To the citizens of the United States of America:



In light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.



Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.



To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:



1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up aluminium . Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.



Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as like and you know is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed.



2. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.



3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isnt that hard.



4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.



5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.



6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.



Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.



7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for shit



8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.



9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.



10. Please tell us who killed JFK. Its been driving us crazy.



Thank you for your cooperation.

One day in school the teacher is giving the class an English lesson. She asks if anyone can give her a sentence with the word Lovely in it twice.

All of a sudden little Mary jumps up and says that she has a sentence. The teacher is pleased to see her top pupil being so conscienious and asks her to tell the class.

The little girl goes on and says: At the week-end the weather was lovely, so my family and I went out to the countryside and had a lovely picnic.

The teacher was most impressed, and asked if anyone else could make a similar sentence. Then from the back of the class, little Jonny the class rascal, shouted out that he had a sentence. The teacher, in a sympathetic tone of voice, said Oh… alright then Jonny what is _your_ sentence?

Jonny went on to say: Last night my sister came home and said she was pregnant and our dad said, Lovely!!! Fuckin Lovely!!!

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while hes drinking it the monkey is running wild.

The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, Did you see what your monkey just did?

No. What did that stupid shit do this time?, says the patron.

Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole, says the bartender.

Yeah, well I hope it kills the little fucker because hes been driving me nuts, says the patron.

The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again.

While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar.

He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. Did you see what your monkey did now?, he asks.

What now?, responds the patron.

Well, he stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it, says the barkeeper.

Well, what did you expect?, replied the patron. Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!

One day a daughter went to her father and asked for a prom dress. The father said, if you give me a blowjob I will bye you the prettiest dress in the store! She said your gross dad and went on her way. Two weeks before the prom she again asked her father for the dress, he replied you know what to do, if you give me a blowjob, you will get the dress! She again replied your sick dad and went on her way. Three days before the prom she again asked her dad for the dress, he again said you know what to do to get the dress except this time she agreed! After she got through giving him a blowjob she said damn dad, your dick taste like shit! He said I know, your brother needed to barrow the car!

A man is sitting at home one evening when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach is standing there. The cockroach immediately punches him between the eyes and scampers off.

The next evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, the cockroach is there again. This time, it punches him, kicks him and karate chops him before running away.

The third evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, the cockroach is there yet again. It leaps at him and stabs him several times before making off. The gravely injured man manages to crawl to the telephone and summon an ambulance. He is rushed to intensive care and they save his life.

The next morning, the doctor is doing his rounds. He asks our hero what happened, so the man explains about the 6 foot cockroachs attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor thinks for a moment and says, Yes, there is a nasty bug going around.

RAINY web