The teacher was giving a lesson in english and decided that the class was to use the word fascinate in a sentence and called on

the students to volunteer. suzy immediatly



jumps up and says over the summer our family



visited the zoo and the lions and tigers were



fasinating to watch. not exactly what the teacher was looking for, she wanted to use the word fascinate.next up was sally who says



our family recently visited the museuem and i was fascinted by the mummy display. still



not the exact word the teacher was looking for. all the while little johnny in the back of the class had been jumping up and down trying to get the teachers attention who was reluctant to call on johnny because of his foul mouth, but decided there was no way he could mess up the word fascinate. so he starts by saying his sister has a pink sweater with ten white buttons but her tits



are so fucking big she can only fasten eight.

Hearts and roses and kisses galore…

What the hell is all that shit for?

People get mushy and start acting queer

It is definitely the most annoying day of the year

This day needs to get the hell over with and pass

Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupids ass

Ill spend the day so drunk I cant speak

And wear all black for the rest of the week

Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade

For all they are doing is trying to get laid

The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit

Because I think love is a crock of shit

So theres the story… what else can I say?

Love bites my ass… Fuck Valentines Day!

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot.

The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, Im sure youll agree, and its an absolute steal at only $20.

Why is it that cheap? the woman asks

Well, replies the assistant, it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity

Oh, I dont mind that, said the woman, making her mind up, Im broad minded and itll be a laugh having a profane parrot.

So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman Fuck me, a fucking new brothel and a fucking new madam

Im not a madam and this isnt a brothel says the woman indignantly, but she sees the funny side and lets it drop.

A little later the womans two teenage daughters arrive home. A new brothel, a new madam, and now new fucking prostitutes says the parrot when he sees the daughters. Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, were not prostitutes complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their filthy new pet.

A short while later, the womans husband comes home. Well fuck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new fucking whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin, Dave? says the parrot.

A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods.

The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?

The rabbit says, No, of course not!

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit!

What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?

I dont know, what?

Popeye beat the shit out of him!

*25 Things a Wife would say in a perfect world!*

1) Ill swallow it all…I love the taste! 2) Are you sure youve had enough to drink? 3) Im bored. Lets shave my pussy! 4) Shouldnt you be down at the bar with your buddies? 5) That was a great fart! Do another one! 6) Ive decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. 7) Youre so sexy when youre hungover. 8) Id rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping. 9) Lets subscribe to Hustler. 10) Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend? 11) Say, lets go to the mall so you can check out womens asses. 12) Ill be painting the house. 13) I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday, too. 14) Honey, our new neighbors 16 year old daughter is sunbathing again, come see! 15) I know its a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again? 16) No, No, Ill take the car for an oil change. 17) Your mother is way better than mine. 18) Do me a favor…forget the stupid Valentines day thing and buy yourself some new clubs. 19) I understand fully…our anniversary comes every year for christs sake, you go hunting with the guys, its a wonderful stress reliever. 20) Oh come on.. what do you say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints and have my friend Bridget over for a threesome! 21) Not the fucking mall again… come on lets go to the new strip joint! 22) Listen, I make enough money for the both of us–why dont you retire and get that nagging golf handicap down to a 7 or

8. 23) You need your sleep…stop getting up for the babys night feedings. 24) If I dont get to blow you soon, I swear I am going to explode!! 25) I signed up for aerobics so that I can get my ankles behind my ears for you!!

I have this acquaintance who is a linguist and works with computers he recently sent me the following.

Subject: ViaVoice

From: Ted Caldwell

Her recently installed over some of IBMs ViaVoice of wear.

(I recently installed a demo version of IBMs ViaVoice software.)

Fire from. It amusing so far, sort of it possible so of its were sure others say it boat.

(I have found it quite amusing so far, so I thought Id pass on a sample of its output – or should I say input.)

With text youre reading was produced by the program from white dictation; below what is that correct version of waters for a vote

(The text you are reading was produced by the program from my dictation; below is the typed version of what I spoke.)

to be fair, IBM chose the window that you meet the right kind of microphone of the more you dream the system on your own speech, the better it will perform.

(To be fair, IBM does point out that you need the right kind of microphone, and the more you train the system on your own speech, the better it will perform.)

I have no unfulfilled. Either of these criteria. .

(I have not fulfilled either of these criteria. I doubt that I will buy the damn thing anyway.)

Her-leveraged Group of potential of support for dinner, however, given the phrases but it pulls over events which is really doing a lot of work trying to powers what you say in to willful sentence, and it often seems to fall back on a survey of new business freeze.

(I think it has great potential as a poetry generator, however, given the odd phrases that it pulls out of its lexicon. Its really doing a lot of work trying to parse what you say into a full sentence, and it often seems to fall back on certain popular business phrases.)

Better to of the most foreign firms are trying to give it to work. Words like for have a share, and meeting of the first from some of Blues for her roles driver what Hole

(Two of the most fun things are trying to get it to recognize words like fuck and shit, and reading it the first stanza of Lewis Carrolls Jabberwocky: )

the West Berlin and his lawyer the toll vehicular and Wimbledon week. All means you were to borrow it will, of mole rats of greed.

(Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

did gyre and gimble in the wabe.

All mimsy were the borogroves,

and the mome raths outgrabe.)

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews:

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem #1: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution #1: #2 Propeller seepage normal.
Problem #2: #1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem: The autopilot doesnt.
Signed off: IT DOES NOW.

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: Volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: Thats what theyre there for.

Problem: Number three engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Three nuns were talking.

The first nun said, I was cleaning the Fathers room the other day and do
you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!

What did you do? the other nuns asked.

Well, of course I threw them all in the trash.

The second nun said, Well, I can top that. I was in the Fathers room
putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms.

Oh my, gasped the other nuns. What did you do? they asked.

I poked holes in all of them, she replied.

The third nun said, Oh shit.

Lesson Number One

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?

The crow answered: Sure, why not.

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate him.

Management Lesson:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, sighed the turkey, but I havent got the energy.

Well, why dont you nibble on some of my droppings? replied the bull. Theyre packed with nutrients.

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.

Lesson Number Three

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, I should be Boss because I control the whole bodys responses and functions.

The feet said, We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.

The
hands said, We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet witched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Management Lesson:

You dont need brains to be a Boss – any asshole will do.

Lesson Number Four

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lessons:

Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
And when youre in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!