His home is free of mice and cockroaches — they refuse to live in the
same place as him.

221. What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla? Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do…

222. Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ? It finally dawned on here.

223. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said DISNEYLAND LEFT. After thinking for a minute, she said to herself oh well ! and turned around an drove home.

On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES. By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

224. How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand.

225. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, Awww, look at the dead birdie. The blonde stops, looks up, and says, Where?

226. A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, Good thing I had my mouth open, or that wouldve hit me right in the face!!! Or: Good thing that cows dont fly.

227. A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/shed been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad cause all the people were leaving.

228. A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway. Miss, may I see your drivers licence please?

Drivers licence? Whats that?… Its a little card with your picture on it.

Oh, duh! Here it is… May I have your car insurance?

Whats that?… Its a document that says you are allowed to drive the car.

Oh this? Duh! Here you go… The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims: Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!

229. Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to iron, then we could do without the ironing lady. Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.

230. A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:

Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row! Blonde: Thats nothing; last night I had over a hundred.

Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good. Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.

This list was sent to me by Liz Oszelcuk, the Grad. Assistant of UC Berkeleys Slavic Department. Enjoy!

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
The lavatory is blocked, this is caused by the boys next door throwing their balls on the roof.
This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.
I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.
I awoke this morning and found my water boiling.
Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wifes new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

The first grade teacher was getting to know her students on the first day of class. Johnny, what do you like to do when youre not in school? she asked.

Johnny replied, I love my choo-choo. In fact, I play with it all the time at home and have tracks set up all over the house.

The teacher said, Thats wonderful, Johnny. However, since youre in the first grade now, dont you think you should call it a train?

Yes, teacher.

Good, now Susie, what do you like to do when youre not in school?

Susie answered, Well, I have a horsie. In fact, I love my horsie, I ride it every day and do everything to take care of it.

Well, thats wonderful, Susie. However, since youre in the first grade now, dont you think you should call it a horse?

Yes, teacher.

The teacher said, Good. Mary, what do you like to do when youre not in school?

I like to read. I read all the time and love all different kinds of books.

Well, thats wonderful, Mary. Whats your favorite book?

Winnie the Shit.

It was George the Mailmans last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orangejuice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cups bottom edge.

All this was just too wonderful for words, he said, but whats the dollar for?

Well, she said, last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.

I asked him what to give you. He said, Fuck him. Give him a dollar. The breakfast was my idea!

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.



The teacher said, Lets begin by reviewing some American history. Who said Give me Liberty, or give me Death?



She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. Patrick Henry, 1775, he said.



Very good! Who said Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth? Again, no response except from Suzuki. Abraham Lincoln, 1863., said Suzuki.



The teacher snapped at the class, Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do. he heard a loud whisper: Fuck the Japs.



Who said that? she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. Lee Iacocca, 1982. At that point, a student in the back said, Im gonna puke.



The teacher glares and asks All right! Now, who said that? Again, Suzuki says, George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.



Now furious, another student yells, Oh yeah? Suck this! Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!



Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, You little shit. If you say anything else, Ill kill you. Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.



The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, Oh shit, were fucked.



Suzuki said, The Taliban! 2001

Toms dream was to marry a sweet, innocent virgin.

Hed been going with Jane for a few months, when he decided to test her. As they drove along in the car, he unzipped his fly, turned to her and said, Do you want to see my wee-wee?

She yelled, No!No! Please zip up your fly!

Instead of being annoyed, Tom was happy.

On the eve of their engagement to be married, he tried the same thing, with the same result. Finally, on their wedding night, they were alone in the hotel room when he unzipped his fly again and said to her, Honey, now that were married you can now look at what Ive got here, and proceeded to take out his dick.

She looked at it and said, Oh, what a sweet looking wee-wee!

Tom said, No darling–you dont have to call it a wee-wee anymore; you can call it a cock.

She looked at it a while and then said, No, Tom, what you have is a wee-wee. A cock is long, thick, and black!!!

Brian Roberts and I wrote these in a moment (hour?) of boredom.

one with nintendo
halcyon symbiosis
hand thinks for itself

cold matsushita
their technology stronger
enslaves our people

midori ito
girl finds glory, is broken
they can rebuild her

honda seatcovers
winter warm and summer cool
little lambs no more

the sand remembers
once there was beach and sunshine
but chip is warm too

oh no godzilla
guns and planes cannot stop him
tokyo is ablaze

samurai fighter
keyboard and mouse are his sword
digital battles

DAT arrives
frequency notch treachery
people are not fooled

young Sony worker
innocent hands build Walkman
tears run down faces

Here is a joke from the March issue of Playboy:
[Ed: But they didnt write it.]

An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood
bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and
asked him if anything was wrong.

Im scared out of my mind, the stud replied. Some pissed-off husband
wrote to me and said hed kill me if I didnt stop fucking his wife.

So stop, the barkeep said.

I cant, the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. The prick didnt
sign his name!

How to say…..I Love You
in Different Languages

English………I Love You
Spanish……..Te Amo
French………Je Taime
German……..Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese……Ai Shite Imasu
Italian………..Ti Amo
Chinese……..Wo Ai Ni
Swedish…….Jag Alskar Dig
Eskimo………Nagligivaget
Greek………..SAgapo
Hawaiian…….Aloha Wau la Oe
Irish………….Thaim In Grabh Leat
Hebrew………Ani Ohev Otakh
Russian……..Ya Lyublyu Tyebya
Albanian…….Une Te Dua
Finnish………Mina Rakkastan Sinua
Turkish………Seni Seviyorum
Hungarian….Se Ret Lay
Persian……..Du Stet Daram
Maltese……..ien Inhobbok
Catalan……..Testimo Molt

Redneck ……Nice Tits