Old, I told her to act her own age, and she died.



poor, when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked

her what she was doing, she said Moving.



nasty, her hairy armpits look like shes got

Buckwheat in a headlock.



ugly, when she puts her face next to the bowl trying to

hear snap-crackle-pop, all she heard was ARGHHHHHHHH!!!

Lets get the hell outta here.



old, she co-wrote one of the ten commandments.



poor, they put her picture on food stamps.



old, she owes Jesus Christ a quarter.



old, her social security number is 1.



poor, she cant even pay attention.



poor, she went to Kentucky Fried Chicken and

licked everyone elses fingers.



old, she knew Burger King When he was a prince.



old, shes got Jesus beeper number.



glasses are so thick, when she looks at a map,

she can see people waving at her



ugly, cockroaches go like this HI! MOM



poor, when she heard about Last Supper, she

thought she ran out of food stamps



old, she planted the first tree at Central Park



old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp



ugly, that your father takes her to work with him so

that he doesnt have to kiss her goodbye.



old, that when she was in school there was no history class.



old, she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.



old, she was a waitress at the Last Supper.



poor, when I ring the doorbell she says,DING!



poor, she ate cereal with a fork to save milk.



hairy, Bigfoot took a picture of her!



skinny, she turned sideways and dissapeared.



poor, she went to McDonalds and had to put

her french fries on lay-a-way.



old, she knew Captain Crunch when he was a private



nearsighted, she can see the future



old, her birth certificate says Expired on it.



old, she was Bob Doles baby sitter.

Q: What do you get when you mix a Jehovahs Witness with a Hells Angel?

A: Someone who knocks on your front door at 7:30 Sunday morning,
and tells you to fuck off.

A man walking aroud town talking about hea pimp he gonehit you fromthe back front and every way in the book a hoe name amen say me at my house tonight she look at his dick and say nigga please that mini hoydog ant shit you haveto have some thing and round for me


thats what yall can sat to lil dick man.

One day at the end of class little Billys teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.

My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, Dont keep all your eggs in one basket.

Next is little Lucy. Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies Dont count your chickens before theyre hatched.

Last is little Billy. My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands

Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies, Dont fuck with uncle Ted when hes been drinking!

Stascz and Janos went for a walk in the countryside. After a while, Stascz had to answer a call of nature. Spying an outhouse, he excused himself.

Janos waited for Stascz…and waited, and waited. Finally, he looked inside and saw Stascz stirring around in the outhouse muck with a stick.

Stascz, what the hell are you doing, stirring in the shit?

he yells.

I dropped my jacket down the hole, he complains.

Its the one my momma gave me.

Janos shakes his head.

Youre crazy–you not gonna wear that thing now, are you?

Hell no, Stascz assures him, but theres a baloney sandwich in one of the pockets!

Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.

The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.

The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,

It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,

Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,

That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,

Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman wed built,

Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,

A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.

Sure as Im speaking, he was high as a kite,

And he yelled to his team, but it didnt sound right.

Woa Shithead, woa Asshole, woa Stupid, woa Putz,

Either slow down this rig or Ill cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and dont hit the tree,

Quit shaking the sleigh, cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,

Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,

As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass,

When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,

He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

That was some brothel, he said with a smile,

The reindeer are pooped, and Ill just stay awhile

He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,

Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,

The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,

But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,

The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santas next find,

And six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension,

And several more things I shouldnt even mention.

A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,

And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.

This stuff aint for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,

So Ill leave em here, and then Ill just split.

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,

With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,

Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch,

Saying, Take me home, Rudolf. This nights been a bitch!

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,

The best thing about pussy is you cant wear it out!!

Two men are in a bar are boasting about their prowess and one of them says, My cock is longer than that cats tail.

A bet is made, the bartender supplies a ruler, and the cat is roused and measured.

But when the bartender begins the second measurement, the stud says, Just a moment! Where did you measure that cats tail from?

From the asshole. says the bartender.

Well, kindly do me the same favor.

Three guys are sitting at the bar, when a stranger walked in and took a stool at the far end of the bar. The three guys were tranfixed on the stranger, who bear a striking resemblance to Jesus.

For quite a while they were speculating if in fact it was the Son of God himself. Finally Joe stands up and said he would find out for sure and walked down to the end of the bar, but before he could even open his mouth, the stranger said, you have had constant pain in your lower back for many years, and so I say unto you Be healed. Instantly the pain left his body. He ran back to tell the others. Tom said that it was bullshit and went down to the end of the bar, but again before he could say anything, the stranger said, since you were a child you have had an inferior left eye, Be heal and see the world the way God intended. Toms bad eye was seeing as well as the other. Both 20/20. He came back to inform the others. Mack just set there, well Im not going down there – come hell or high water. Just then the stranger started walking toward Mack. Finally he was less than ten feet away from him Mack yells out, Stay away from me you son of a bitch…Im on Disability.

A guy walks into a store and buys six jumbo boxes of condoms. The store clerk asks the man, What do you do with all of those?
The guy replies, I taught my dog to swallow them and now he shits in little plastic baggies!

3 elderly gentlemen were sitting on a park bench discussing what the meanest animal in the world was.

The first said, The meanest animal in the world is a Hippopotamus, cause its got such big jowls. One bite and your gone.

The second shook his head and said Nah, hippo may be mean, but aint nothing meaner than an alligator. He got a big mouth and all them teeth, snap ?, one bite, ha, one swallow, you gone.

The third gentleman sat for a moment, and finally he spoke and said, No sir, the meanest aninmal in the world is a hippagator.

The other two in disbelief inquired as to what in the world is a hippagator, believing there was no such animal.

The gentleman slowly began to explain, A hippagator got a hippo head on one end, and an gator head on the other

WAIT ! interrupted the others, If he has a head on both ends, How does he shit ?

The reply was simply, He dont, thats what makes him so mean.