There once was a man from woy woy who had a specch inparment.

One day he walked in to a bakery and asked for a bum,the lady reapeated do you mean a bun sir yeths. He then went to the hard ware store and asked for a fukkit,the man then reapeated do you mean a bucket yeths i do.procedding down the street he went in to the pet store and said may i please have a cockanspankit please the little old lady then reapeatd do you mean a cockaspanial yeths.On his way home his dog ran away he then said to a lady may you plethse hold myyy bum and fukkit while i go get my cockinspankit!

One day, it was actually the first day of school and there teacher could not make it so a sub was asigned the job. And this sub just happened to be a blonde. The sub was mad because she had the craving to rip off her boyfriends head off for cheating on her. So in the heat of the momment the teacher said everyone who wants to fuck me please stand up and all the boys stood up then the teacher had relized what she had said but she really needed this so one by one the a boy was called in the closet and was fucked. At the end of the day the teacher said every boy who is happy please stand up and they all stood up the next day there actual teacher came back the boys waited for the question when ther questiopn did not come up a boy stood up in the middle of the class and said treacher when are you goiung to fuck us.

Keep your employees in the dark and occasionally throw shit at them.

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybodys heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over. The Tell me when were having fun kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.

If youve ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know That a temperature of 12 below zero doesnt help matters. So with time running out, she weighed her options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would ever notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If youve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skies so you dont move. Yup, you got it. She had the skies positioned the wrong way.

Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without any warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and on to the slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while she continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual sight for the other skiers.

The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was she broke her arm and was unable to pull up the ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nude show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with a broken leg was put in a bed next to hers.

So, howd you break your leg? She asked, making small talk.

It was the darndest thing you ever saw, he said I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly I couldnt believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backwards out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didnt realize how far Id moved. I fell out of the lift.

So howd you break your arm?

[Ed: These are making the rounds again, and Im grabbing some funny ones. ]

* A friend of mine at U of Chicago once calculated the resonant frequency
of his dorms stairwells, bought a test record with that tone on it and
played it into the stairwells from a number of stereos. Apparently had
the entire building shaking visibly before they got scared enough to turn
it off.

* When living in the dorms, I offered to make soup for everyone on a
Sunday night (when dorms dont usually serve a meal). I made the soup
in a toilet bowl, using several of those coil cup heaters. Looked
good, but no one tried it.

* I had a friend who lived in a room next to the study lounge. The
night before finals, I invited him up to my room and then phoned his
room, letting the phone ring until the angry mob in the study lounge
broke down the door and ripped the phone off the wall.

* Someone was foolish enough to penny me into her own room. Amongst
other things, I placed a call to the US Embassy in Nepal. The call
was completed and rung back some time the next day.

* Ran an imaginary student for a student government position. He was
named after a dog. He didnt actually make the ballot because his
false ID was discovered by the administration, but he still won on
write-in votes.

* I had a white cane and dark sunglasses, and I would go with a friend
of mine to a Mall, where he would lead me around as if I was blind.
However, he would be deliberately cruel, leading me into pillars, telling
me the wrong number of steps, and so on. People would get very upset.

* I once learned the day before that a professor would be late to one
of his classes the next day. I made up a pop quiz that was
incredibly hard, and then showed up and handed it out to the class,
telling them that I was a grad student the prof had sent to proctor.

* A friend and I put on surgical greens, masks, booties and so on, and
then splashed red food coloring on ourselves. Then we burst into the
medical library, arguing loudly, and go over to the reference copy of
Grays Anatomy. I leaf through it, peer at a picture, and point and
say triumphantly See, I told you it was on the left side. What are
you, dyslexic? My friend looks abashed, shrugs, and we walk out.

* One that I never got a chance to do: Wait until someone brings a
cute little puppy on to campus. Then, later that day, rush onto the
dorm floor with the puppy wrapped in a bloodstained blanket. Explain
to everyone that the dog was hit by a car and it has a large sliver of
glass in its side. You dont think it will live long enough to get it
to a vet, so youre going to pull the sliver yourself and try and stop
the bleeding. Go into your room (with the pet owner) and close the
door. Play a previously prepared tape of a dog whining and barking in
pain, and say things like Jesus Christ! Hold it still! Oh, shit,
Im going to be sick. What the hell is that? and so on. (I
couldnt find the sound effect on the day the puppy was there.)

Those are the ones that come to mind off hand.

— Scott

A guy walks into a bar. Hes a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says, All the guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?

Everyone is understandably silent.

He then, chugs back another beer and says, All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?

Everyone is silent, again.

Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk toward the man.

You got a problem, buddy? No, Im just on the wrong side of the bar!

A man walks into a bar with his pet crocodile, the bartender screams and demands he get the man eating creature out of there!

The man tries to calm the bartender down and says he is very well trained to prove it the man whipped out his cock and put it in the crocodiles mouth, then he hit the crocodile over the head and after a few good smacks he pulls it out and shows the bar tender,

Look, no marks.

The bartender is still unsure so the man asks…

Would anyone else like to try?

The bar is quiet and a few minutes later a blonde in the corner stands up and says…

I will but dont smack me on the head!

Ill swallow it all … I love the taste.
Are you sure youve had enough to drink?
Im bored. Lets shave my pussy?
Shouldnt you be down at the bar with your buddies?
That was a great fart! Please do another one?
Ive decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
Youre so sexy when youre hung over.
Id rather watch football and drink beer with you and then go shopping.
Lets subscribe to Hustler?
Say, lets go down to the mall so you can check out womens asses?
Ill be out painting the house.
I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play Saturday too.
Honey … our new neighbors daughter is sunbathing again, come see.
No, No Ill take the car and have the oil changed.
Your mother is way better than mine.
Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentines Day thing and buy yourself some new clubs.
I fully understand … our anniversary comes every year for Christs sake, you go hunting with the guys, its a wonderful stress reliever.
Oh come on, what do you say we get a good porno movie, a rack of beer and have my friend Diana over for a threesome?
Not the fucking mall again. Come on lets go to that new strip joint?
Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why dont you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
You need your sleep you big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
God … if I dont get to blow you soon, I swear Im gonna bust!
I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head.

In the beginning was the Plan.



And then came the Assumptions.



And the Assumptions were without form.



And the Plan was without substance.



And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.



And the workers spoke among themselves, saying, This is crock of shit, and it stinks.



And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, It is a pail of dung, and we cant live with the smell.



And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.



And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.



And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.



And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, It promotes growth, and it is very powerful..



And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects.



And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.



And the Plan became Policy.



And that, my friends, is how shit happens.

A kid is walking around his house when he sees his dad watching a football game. The team his dad wants to win is losing, so out of anger, he yells, CMON YOU BASTARDS, JUST SCORE A TOUCHDOWN!!

The kid doesnt know what bastards are, so he says, Daddy, what does bastards mean?



His dad didnt want to admit to his son that he had cursed, so he said, Umm, it means, umm, uh, boys. Yeah, it means boys.



Then he walks into the room across the hall and sees his mom watching womens basketball. His moms team is losing, so she says, CMON YOU BITCHES, JUST SCORE A BASKET!!



The kid doesnt know what that means either, so he says, Mommy, what does bitches mean?



The mom says, Umm, it means, umm, uh, girls. Yeah, thats what it means, girls.



So the next day, the kids dad walks in from work and puts his coat on a coat rack. Because of his stupidity, the kids dad pokes his eye on the coat rack and yells, OH DICK!!



The kid comes up to his dad and says, Daddy, what does dick mean?



The dad says, It means, umm, uh, coat. Yeah, it means coat.



So then the kid walks into the kitchen where his mom is painting. She accidentally leans over her painting too far, and her hat falls off her head and gets smothered with paint. She yells, OH PUSSY!!



The kid says, Mommy, what does pussy mean?



The mom says, umm, it means, uhh, umm, hat. Yeah, thats what it means, hat.



So then, the kid walks upstairs to his parents room, where his dad is taking a shower. But his dad accidentally slips on a bar of soap and yells, OH SCREW!!



The kid walks up to him and says, Daddy, what does screw mean?



The dad says, Umm, uh, it means, uhh, cleaning. Yeah, cleaning.



So then he walks downstairs and sees his mom cutting turkey for dinner that night. She accidentally cuts herself and yells, OH FUCK!!



The kid says, Mommy, what does fuck mean?



His mom says, It means, umm, uh, cutting. Yeah, cutting.



So then some friends come over for dinner. The kid opens the door and says, Welcome bitches and bastards. May I take your dicks and pussys? If youd like to see my parents, my dad is upstairs screwing himself and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey.