To YOU Im an atheist; to God, Im the Loyal Opposition. –Woody Allen

Impiety: Your irreverence toward my deity. –Ambrose Bierce

If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will exceed all expectations. –Reverend Chichester

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you dont believe? –Quentin Crisp

Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? –Jules Feiffer

Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and youre going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth. And you should save it for someone you love. –Butch Hancock

Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life. –Andrew Lias

God is dead, but fifty thousand social workers have risen to take his place. –Dr J D McCoughey

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. –H.L. Mencken

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new
bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didnt
work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me. –Emo Phillips

She said role-playing games were the creation of Satan. Dead
clever of him. I mean, sitting down there in Hell, working out
all the combat tables and everything. I bet he used to really
swear every time the dice caught fire… –Terry Pratchett, Only You Can Save Mankind

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. –Unknown

I used to be an atheist but I gave it up. No holidays. –Unknown

Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car. –Unknown

3 elderly gentlemen were sitting on a park bench discussing what the meanest animal in the world was.

The first said, The meanest animal in the world is a Hippopotamus, cause its got such big jowls. One bite and your gone.

The second shook his head and said Nah, hippo may be mean, but aint nothing meaner than an alligator. He got a big mouth and all them teeth, snap ?, one bite, ha, one swallow, you gone.

The third gentleman sat for a moment, and finally he spoke and said, No sir, the meanest aninmal in the world is a hippagator.

The other two in disbelief inquired as to what in the world is a hippagator, believing there was no such animal.

The gentleman slowly began to explain, A hippagator got a hippo head on one end, and an gator head on the other

WAIT ! interrupted the others, If he has a head on both ends, How does he shit ?

The reply was simply, He dont, thats what makes him so mean.

In the north of Australia is a place called Queensland which is very hot, humid and the pubs are rough.

Anyway, this posh pommie (English) bloke is traveling through Queensland in the middle of summer by bicycle and is caught in a huge tropical storm. He sees a sign which says there is a pub 18 miles up the road. So he rides his bike to the pub and when he finally gets there his appearance resembles that of a drowned rat.

Anyway, the locals hardly even look up from their beers as he walks in, dripping wet, and heads up to the bar and orders a scotch on ice. The barman gives him the worst scotch he has ever tasted but the pommie drinks it down and asks the barman where the dunny (toilet) is. The barman tells him it is outside.

So the pommie trudges outside into the rain and all he can see in the rain is two big piles of shit, one much bigger than the other. So the pommie walks over to the smaller pile, relieved that someone had the sense to start a new pile since the larger one was clearly unmanageable.

He has his pants around his ankles and is in the process of relieving himself when a gunshot rings out and a bullet smacks into the heap just beside his head.

Well the poor pommie turns around, in a somewhat vulnerable position, and sees this huge Aussie guy standing at the door of the pub with his still smoking gun in his hand.

What..What is going on? Stammers the poor pommie.

The huge Aussie responds Get the hell out of the Laidies you dirty bastard.

A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex.

1956, was his immediate reply.



No wonder you look so uptight! she exclaimed. Honey, you need to get out more.



Im not sure I understand you, he answered, glancing at his watch. Its only 2014 now.

Compton City Schools has announced that its special Ebonics version of Windows 98, Retitled Dis Be a Fresh Window has been leaked to several white suburbs, causing confusion for unsuspecting Caucasian users.
There are numerous differences between Windows 98 and the Ebonics version. When opening the Ebonics version, the familiar Windows chime is replaced with a phat getto track that melts em down wit dope-ass bass.
The opening screen features a Windows logo that is spray painted on a brick wall-along with several gangsta signs, slogans and shout outs.
On the main screen, My Computer is replaced with Dis My Shit. The Recycle Bin has been replaced with a Goodwill dumpster, and the Internet Explorer shortcut reads, Tittie & Booty Sites.

If users are logged on to a network, the Network Neighborhood is replaced with Da Hood.
Users have their choice of three animated screen savers
Marquee, a lil G spray-painting dirty words that move across the screen; Mystify, a 15-year-old crack whore giving birth to 12 children on screen, or Flying Bullets, a 64 Olds loaded with gangstas doing a desktop drive by.
Users of the Ebonics version will notice several command and dialog box changes
Break Back In = Reentry

Aww Shit, Nigga = Error

U Betta Recognize = No

Itz All Good = OK

4 Real Doe = Yes

Hold Up, Dawg = Cancel

Do Dat Shit Again = Reset

Nigga, R U Crazy? = Are You Sure?

Hunt Dat Bitch Down = Find

Put A Cap In It = Delete

Games & Shit = Programs

Letter Shit = Documents
The Ebonics version comes standard with a special edition of Microsoft Works titled Homie Essentials. The word-processing program greatly differs from the mainstream program.
Several functions on the title bar have been changed
Dat be Thang = File

I Be Seein It = View

Put Sumpin In = Insert

Hook It Up = Format

Stuff I Aint Need = Tools

Number Shit = Table

Break In = Window

What Da Fuck? = Help

Note Stuff I Aint Need does not include spelling or grammar check options. Also, the familiar AutoCorrect has been replaced with Keepin It Real.

Why are men like diapers?

They are always on my ass and full of shit – thank goodness theyre disposable!

[Found in an East Coast office of a major computer manufacturer.]

Heres a handy guide for those of you who have to deal with vendors,
customers, or other divisions on the left coast.

East Coast West Coast

absolutely not maybe
yes maybe
action item by Feb 12 for Joe Joes working on the problem
bozo subcontractor
brawl design review
dictator facilitator
do it and do it now can you sign up for this program?
do it right or youre fired Im confident youll get it done
fuck off trust me
follow the spec is there a spec?
get out of my office lets get consensus on this one
hes a jerk hes not signed on to our plan
hes a subordinate hes a team player
Ill cover your ass consider me your resource
ignore him, hes new Im bringing him up to speed
local bar offsite facility
meet me in the parking lot lets take that discussion offline
oh shit thanks for bringing that to my attention
overdesigned robust
punch his lights out constructive confrontation
shut the fuck up thank you for your input
shut up a minute let me share this with you
thats totally incompetent let me build on that point
unemployed consulting
over budget on schedule
under budget we havent started yet
we finished early (no translation available)
were done how do you feel about that?
whats your problem? I certainly understand your feelings
wheres the spec? whats a spec?
wheres the schedule? whats the game plan?
your plan sucks let me share my feelings on this plan

A woman goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasnt loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriends father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the womans feet and said in a rather stern voice, Skippy!.

The woman thought, This is great! and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didnt even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked and the dog and yelled, Dammit Skippy!

Once again the woman smiled and thought Yes!. A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didnt even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing! Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!

Yo momma like a postage stamp, you lick her, stick her, then send her away

Yo momma like a screen door after a couple of bangs she loosens up



Yo momma like a 5 foot basketball hoop, it aint that hard to score



Yo momma like a 7-eleven, open all nignt,hot



2 go and for 89 cents u get a slurpy



Yo momma like a turtle, once shes on her back shes fucked



Yo momma like a public toilet round white and full of shit!

SWM in dead-end job seeks dumpy neurotic for mutual psychological torture, tepid sex, and co-dependency.

I enjoy drinking, smoking, pornography, and self-righteous indignation.

I cant stand movies, and the last album I bought was The Marshall Tucker Bands Greatest Hits.

I have middling intelligence but try to appear smarter by affecting a world-weary air, memorizing useless facts, and chuckling at my own mean-spirited, agenda-driven jokes.

Im 32 but look 40 and feel 60.

You are a whiny, bitter shrew with a misplaced sense of entitlement and unrealistic expectations. In time you will become coolly hostile when I dont fulfill every unmet need youve ever had.

Bonus points if you just finished screwing every guy in town and but now want to take it slow with me.

My perfect night would include getting hammered in a shit-hole bar while you flirt with seedy old drunks, followed by an embarrassing screaming match.

I would be open to an unsatisfying fling that leaves me filled with regret and dread but prefer a long-term, soul crushing descent into booze and pills.

No friendships. I dont need any goddamn friends.

Age unimportant, but I will condescend to women under 30 and rehash mother issues with women over 40.

Serious replies only, please.