Joe was sitting in his favorite bar having a few beers after work, when a beautiful woman sat down next to him. She looked vaguely familiar, but he couldnt quite place her.

Hi, Joe, she said. I havent seen you in a long time.

Joe was puzzled. Charlie, is that you? What are you doing dressed up like a woman?

Well, Joe. Its a long story, but the bottom line is that I always felt like a woman trapped in a mans body, so I finally decided to do something about it. After a number of operations, I am now a woman.

Joe was initially shocked, but after admiring Charlies breasts, he said, Damn, Charlie, I bet it was pretty painful to have those implants put in.

Yeah, but that wasnt the most painful part.

Joes gaze lowered, and he got a sick feeling in his stomach. Oh shit. You mean you had your penis and testicles cut off? I bet that was awful.

Yes, that was pretty painful, but that wasnt the worst part.

I dont believe it, Charlie. What could possibly be worse than that?

The final operation was the worst.

That was when they did a craniotomy and took out half of my brain!

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster. The current rooster was still doing okay, but he was getting on in years, and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldnt hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium and turns him loose in the barn yard. The old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. So, theyre trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. Ive got to do something about this.

He walks up to the new bird and says, So youre the new stud in town? I bet you really think youre hot stuff, dont you? Well Im not ready for the chopping block yet. Ill bet Im still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. Well run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself. The young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. Youre on said the young rooster. And since I know Im so great, Ill even give you a head start of half a lap. Ill still win easy, said the young rooster.

The two roosters went to the hen house to start the race and all the hens gathered to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guys lead has slipped a little but hes still hanging in there. Sadly, the old roosters lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap hes just barely in front of the young rooster.

By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself…….. Damn, thats the third gay rooster Ive bought this month!

Do you know the difference between a good year and 365 used condoms?



Answer: A fucking good year!!!!!

Guy walks into a bar, sits downs and starts to make conversation with guy at next table. Want to hear the worldss worst Polish Joke?

#2 says Sure, but before you tell it, let me tell you something. See those two bikers over there by the door-real mean motherfuckers-??? Theyre Polish. And those two bouncers by the bar? Theyre Polish too! The Bartender?? Polish!! And one more thing pal, Im Polish too!!! Now….. still want to tell that joke?

Hell no!, replies #1, I dont want to have to explain it 6 times!

How do you know if youre in love, in lust, or really married?



LOVE – When your eyes meet across a crowded room.

LUST – When your tongues meet across a crowded room.

MARRIAGE – When you lose your child in crowded room.



LOVE – When intercourse is called making love.

LUST – When intercourse is called screwing.

MARRIAGE – What the hell are you talking about?



LOVE – When you argue over how many children to have.

LUST – When you argue over who gets the wet spot.

MARRIAGE – When you argue over money.



LOVE – When you share everything you own.

LUST – When you steal everything they own.

MARRIAGE – When the bank owns everything.



LOVE – When it doesnt matter if you dont climax.

LUST – When the relationship is over if you dont climax.

MARRIAGE – Whats a climax?



LOVE – When you phone each other just to say, Hi.

LUST – When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.

MARRIAGE – When you phone each other to bitch.



LOVE – When you write poems about your partner.

LUST – When all you write is your phone number.

MARRIAGE – When all you write is checks.



LOVE – When you show concern for your partners feelings.

LUST – When you couldnt give a shit.

MARRIAGE – When your only concern is whats on TV.



LOVE – When your farewell is I love you, darling…

LUST – When your farewell is So, same time next week…

MARRIAGE – When your farewell is a relief.



LOVE – When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.

LUST – When you only see each other naked.

MARRIAGE – When you never see each other awake.



LOVE – When your heart flutters everytime you see them.

LUST – When your groin twitches everytime you see them.

MARRIAGE – When your wallet empties everytime you see them.



LOVE – When nobody else matters.

LUST – When nobody else knows.

MARRIAGE – When everybody else matters and you dont care who knows.



LOVE – When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.

LUST – When the song on the radio determines how you do it.

MARRIAGE – When you listen to talk radio.



LOVE – When breaking up is something you try not to think about.

LUST – When staying together is something you try not to think about.

MARRIAGE – When just getting through today is your only thought.



LOVE – When youre only interested in doing things with your partner.

LUST – When youre only interested in doing things TO your partner.

MARRIAGE – When youre only interested in your golf score.

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this…

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%?

So what makes up 100% in life?

Heres a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then…

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But…

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And..
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND look how far ass kissing will take you…

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there,
Bullshit and Ass Kissing will put you over the top.

TAOISMShit happens
HARE KRISHNAShit happens rama rama ding ding
HINDUISMThis shit happened before
ISLAMIf shit happens, it is the will of Allah
ZENWhat is the sound of shit happening?
BUDDHISMWhen shit happens, is it really shit?
CONFUCIANISMConfucius say, Shit happens
7th DAY ADVENTISMShit happens on Saturdays
PROTESTANTISMShit wont happen if I work hard
CATHOLICISMIf shit happens, I deserve it
JEHOVAHS WITNESSKnock, knock. Shit happens.
UNITARIANISMWhat is this shit?
MORMONISMShit happens again & again & again.
JUDAISMWhy does this shit always happen to me?
RASTAFARIANISMLets smoke this shit!

A man is sitting at home one evening when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach is standing there. The cockroach immediately punches him between the eyes and scampers off. The next evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, the cockroach is there again. This time, it punches him, kicks him and karate chops him before running away. The third evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, the cockroach is there yet again. It leaps at him and stabs him several times before making off. The gravely injured man manages to crawl to the telephone and summon an ambulance. He is rushed to intensive care and they save his life. The next morning, the doctor is doing his rounds. He asks our hero what happened, so the man explains about the 6 foot cockroachs attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor thinks for a moment and says, Yes, there is a nasty bug going around.

The flustered bank robber walked up to the



teller, pulled out a gun, and said; all





right mother sticker, this is a fuck up,





put your brains in the bag, or ill blow the money all over the floor.

Hello, and welcome to England, Youll find England a warm sunny country, with welcoming people, and good food which is much cheaper than you might expect. London in particular is not highly-priced like most capital cities.

Street Traders

Use them wherever you have the opportunity; they are honest and helpful, especially if you are not used to the currency. The majority will accept most foreign currencies anyway; alternatively, dont be afraid to offer them credit cards. They will expect you to haggle over prices though, and exchange jokes, such as: I think you gave me the wrong change you cockney bastard.

Coming by car?

Look out for the special double-yellow tourist-only parking lines in the streets. You may park here for as long as you like for free. Foreign tourists are exempt from parking-meter and car-park charges.

Toilets

Look out for the special toilets on the corners of many streets; dont be inhibited by the glass doors; use them freely. They are automatically flushed, cleaned and disinfected after you leave.

Taxis

This is the cheapest form of transport in London. Use them on the journey to and from Heathrow. Under no circumstances give a tip: the driver will feel insulted. London taxi drivers, unlike those in say, New York, are renowned for their liberal open-minded attitudes. Even if you dont, pretend to have left-wing, liberal opinions; you will win their sympathy and friendship.
Ask them to take you to the grave of Karl Marx in Highgate Cemetary.
Tell them you have come over for a conference about single lesbian parents on welfare; imply that you yourself are gay; if you are black, you get extra points.
Tell them how you used to demonstrate against the Vietnam War, capital punishment, and more recently, the Gulf War.
Light up a joint in the cab and offer them a puff.
If travelling in a large party, get all your friends to pile their luggage into the one taxi; get your driver to take all the luggage up to your hotel-again, a tip must NOT be offered, but a homely piece of proverbial advice from your native land is always welcomed. Suggest to him that the Royal Family should be abolished.

The Police

Like taxi-drivers, these too are renowned for their helpfulness, open-mindedness, and liberal views. Feel free to ask them directions or the time of day; they enjoy such traditional japes as: Does your head go all the way to the top of your helmet? or Is that a truncheon youve got in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?. Dont call them Bobby though; try sweetie, ducky, or woodentop instead; You will be surprised at their warm reaction. Dont forget that you can always make free phone calls back home via their personal radio; just ask.

Look out for the next edition of Tourist Tips for England, in which well feature The Albert Hall – best least-known tourist hotel in towm, Take Tea with the PM at Number Ten, and What is the REAL significance of Beefeaters at the Tower of London? Discrete gay quarters you may not know about.