Confucius says:

Passionate kiss, like spiders web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like bubble. One prick and all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok.

Man who scratches arse must not bite fingernails.

Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.

Baseball all wrong. Man with four balls not able to walk.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

‘War doesnt determine whos right. War determines whos left.

Man who sleep in cathouse by day sleep in doghouse by night.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

‘Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glasshouse should change in basement.

‘He who fishes in other mans well often catches crabs.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody.
He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra
or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were
both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided
he would fire the first one who used the water cooler
the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over
after partying all night. She went to the cooler
to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said: Debra,
Ive never done this before, but I have to lay you
or Jack off. Could you jack off? she says. I
feel like shit.

There was a man and woman traveling along in their car. The man was driving when a police officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the window and says Did you know you were speeding back there.

The lady (who is almost deaf) said to her husband What did he say, what did he say?

The man turns to his wife and said He said I was speeding. The officer then said Where are you from?

The man replied Chicago

The wife then says What did he say, what did he say?

The man turns to his wife and said, He wanted to know where we came from.

The officer then said Shit, you know, I had my worst fuck ever in Chicago.

The lady then says What did he say, what did he say?

The man turns back and says He says he thinks he knows you.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip. So the next Sunday he took the monsignors advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, dont gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, dont say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, Take this and eat it, for it is my body, he did not say, Eat me.

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, Mary with the Cherry.

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffys.

Thats a nice hat youre wearing. I was thinking about buying two of them… one to shit in and one to cover it up with.

(This really happened – the FE was suspended:)

On some air carrier operations, a video camera was installed in the cockpit so that passengers could watch the pilot land the plane.

On one flight, the FE decided to have some fun with the passengers and purchased part of a gorilla costume; more specifically, just the left arm. When the plane came in to land, the camera was turned on, and the FE had his gorilla arm on.

Since from the position of the camera all you could see of the FE was his left arm, whenever he went to reach up and flip (a) switch(es), all the video showed was a hairy arm!

So the passengers were given the illusion that a monkey (or whatever their imagination wished to conjure) was operating some of the controls!!!

A miner comes out of the hills, enters a bar, orders a drink. Looking around, he asks the bartender, Hey, where’re all the wimmin?

The Barman replies, Ain’t no wimmin here, not fer a long time.

Well what do y’all do?

We do it with the animals.

Thoroughly disgusted, he ordered another drink and headed back to the hills.

Months later, same story… After downing too many whiskeys he asked the bartender, You’re sure you do it with the animals?

Yes, we do, sir

Hearing this, he raced into the street and saw a pig run into an alley. He chased after it and started having his way with it, the pig squealing. After a while he heard a noise behind him. He turned to look and saw half the town, horrified.

The bartender was in front and said, My God, man, what are you doing?

I thought you said you all did it with the animals.

Yeah, but no one fucks the sheriff’s broad!

A San Francisco tourist is taking a stroll through Golden Gate Park when he’s attacked by three horny sailors.

They strip him, tie him over a tree branch so he can’t move and butt fuck him repeatedly, then leave him tied-up and helpless.

Hours later he spies a policeman through the trees and calls for help.

The cop strolls over.

Well Hello! What have we here? the cop asks.

The poor tourist quickly relates his ordeal with the sailors.

Really?, says the cop, “It’s not your day for uniforms . . . as the cop unzips his fly,. . . now is it sir?

Two Orthodox Jews went to Markus Pincus the tailor for new suits.

Listen, Markus, one said, the last suits you made for us were sort of gray. We want black suits, the darkest black cloth that we can get.

See this cloth?” Pincus said, fingering a bolt of fabric. This is the stuff they make nuns habits from. There aint no blacker cloth. After a few minutes of haggling, Markus was able to convince the two Rabbis that this was indeed black cloth and they negotiated a price.

A few weeks later, the two men were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, one of the men went up to the nuns and matched his suit against their habits. He muttered something to his friend and they both walked off, much to the shock of the two nuns.

What did that man want? one nun asked the other.

It was very strange, she replied, he looked at my garment, whispered something in Latin and left.

What did he say?

He said, Markus Pincus Fucktus.

Three rats are sitting at the bar talking.

The first says, Im so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!

The second says, Well Im so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!

At this the third rat gets up and says, Later guys, Im off home to fuck the cat…