1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shitheads.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
3. I live in my own little world but its OK, everyone knows me here.
4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
5. I dont do drugs cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
6. Sign In Chinese Pet Store: Buy one dog, get one flea…
7. Money cant buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
10. I dont approve of political jokes. Ive seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
13. I love being married. Its so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days Ive stayed alive.
17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have Schiffer Brains.
18. No one ever says Its only a game! when their team is winning.
19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
20. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door youre on.
21. Isnt having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. Marriage changes passion…suddenly youre in bed with a relative.
23. Why is it that most nudists are people you dont want to see naked?
24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Moms wise words: Dont pick that up, you dont know where its been.

Two women and their dogs were in a Vets waiting room (one blonde and one brunette). The brunette says to the blonde Thats a beautiful dog youve got there, whatre you bringing him in for?

The blonde replies Hes Xtremely horny, and whenever I bend over, he tries to fuck me!!!

The brunette says Xcitedly Thats why Im here!

The blonde says oh, Youre getting him neutered too?

The brunette says Ha, no way, Im getting his toe-nails cut!

Mean Horoscope



Aquarius (Jan 23 – Feb 22) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.



Pieces (Feb 23 – Mar 22) You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.



Aries (Mar 23 – Apr 22) You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.



Taurus (Apr 23 – May 22) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamed communist.



Gemini (May 23 – June 22) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.



Cancer (June 23 – July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and wont be worth a crap. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.



Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and annot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards.



Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while doing it. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.



Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.



Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 22) You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.



Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 22) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of crap.



Capricorn (Dec 23 – Jan 22) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickencrap. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

1 Your mamas so fat she has smaller fat women orbiting around her!

2 Y.M.S.F her job is spoon and fork operator.



3 Y.M.S.F she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth



4 Y.M.S.F when she jumps she has to notify air-traffic control for permission to land



5 Y.M.S.F when she jumps Los Angeles has an earthquake!



6 Y.M.S.F the shadow of her ass weighs 200 pounds



7 Y.M.S.F she has more chins than the hong kong phone book.



8 Y.M.S.F she gave the hospital stretchmarks.



9 Y.M.S.F she has shock absorbers on her toilet seat. ?



Yo Mama so ugly when she got her drivers license they had to ask her whether she was a man or woman.



10 Y.M.S.F when she sits on a chair she makes paper.



11 Y.M.S.F when she moves she needs planning permission



12 Y.M.S.F she fell in love and broke it.



13 Y.M.S.F it takes a plane train and automobile to get on her good side.



14 Y.M.S.F that when she sunbathed on the beach, Greenpeace tried to haul her back into the sea.



15 Y.M.S.F she has print your advertisement here on both ass-cheeks



16 Y.M.S.F Nasa use her as a launchpad



17 Y.M.S.F they used her as the trampoline in the Olympics.



Yo mamas like a gumball cheap and easy to blow. *



***YO MAMAS HEAD IS SO SMALL SHE GOTTA CURL HER HAIR WITH A GRAIN OF RICE****



-YO mamas like a volcano hottest hole in town



-Yo Mamas like a lake always wet



-Yo mamas like a shaving blade every man has used her at least once



-Yo mamas like coca-cola most famous drink i know



your mamas like a shotgun, two cocks and shes ready to blow!





Yo mama is so bald that she tooka shower and got



brain washed



Your mama is so hairy, when you were born, you got carpet burn!









Q:whats the difference between your mama and a water buffalo?



A:about 25 pounds



Q:how do you make them equal?



A:either feed the water buffalo or shave your mama!

A man sits down at a diner counter and, when the waitress arrives, orders a bowl of chili. The waitress brings the chili but, the man notices, her thumb is in the chili. Uh, maam, asks the customer, may I ask what your thumb is doing in my bowl of chili? Well, answers the waitress, I went to the doctor today, and he said I have arthritis in my thumb…..and to keep it in something warm every chance I got. Outraged, the customer retorts, Well, then….why dont you shove it up your fuckin ass?? The waitress smiles, and says, I DO when Im back in the kitchen.

Yo mamas like…



– Yo mamas like a T.V., even a two-year-old could turn her on.

– Yo mamas like a bowling ball. Shes picked up, fingered, thrown in the gutter, and then comes back for more.

– Yo mamas like a rifle…four cocks and shes loaded.

– Yo mamas like a bubble gum machine…five cents a blow.

– Yo mamas like Chinese food…sweet, sour, and cheap.

– Yo mamas like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece.

– Yo mamas like Burger King… Your way, right away.

– Yo mamas like a squirrel, shes always got some nuts in her mouth.

– Yo mamas like 7-Eleven… open all night, hot to go, and for 89 cents you can get a slurpy.

– Yo mamas like a toilet, fat, white, and smells like shit.

– Yo mamas like the Bermuda Triangle, they both swallow a lot of seamen.

– Yo mamas like a street lamp, you can find her turned on at night on any street corner.

– Yo mamas like a telephone booth, open to the public, costs a quarter, and guys go in and out all day.

– Yo mamas like a 747, she has a very large cockpit.

– Yo mamas like a microwave, one button and shes hot.

– Yo mamas like speakers, loud, ugly, lives in a box, and you can turn her up, down, on, and off.

– Yo mamas like a mail box, open day and night.

– Yo mamas like a bag of potato chips, Free-To-Lay.

– Yo mamas like a turtle, once shes on her back shes fucked.

– Yo mamas like a paper towel, she picks up all kinds of slimy wet stuff.

– Yo mamas like a bowling ball, you can fit three fingers in.

– Yo mamas like a bowling ball, she always winds up in the gutter.

– Yo mamas like cheap liquor, tastes like shit.

– Yo mamas like an aircraft carrier, has a flat top, a big bottom, cruises up and down the coast, and picks up 100 sailors in every port.

– Yo mamas like a bus, guys climb on and off her all day long.

– Yo mamas like a Christmas tree, everybody hangs balls on her.

– Yo mamas like a door knob, everybody gets a turn.

– Yo mamas like Dominoes Pizza, something for nothing.

– Yo mamas like Dominoes Pizza, one call does it all.

– Yo mamas like Pizza Hut, if she isnt there in 30 minutes… its free.

– Yo mamas like Sprint, 10 cents a minute anywhere in the country.

– Yo mamas like a carpenters dream, flat as a board and easy to nail.

– Yo mamas like a gas station… you gotta pay before you pump.

– Yo mamas like a goalie: she changes her pads after three periods.

– Yo mamas like a light switch, even a little kid can turn her on.

– Yo mamas like a telephone, even a 3 year old can pick her up.

– Yo mamas like a postage stamp, you lick her, stick her, then send her away.

– Yo mamas like a dollar bill, she gets handled all across the country.

– Yo mamas like a brick, dirty, flat on both sides, and always getting laid by Mexicans.

– Yo mamas like a race car driver… she burns a lot of rubbers.

– Yo mamas like a railroad track, she gets laid all over the country.

– Yo mamas like a screen door, after a couple of bangs she loosens up.

– Yo mamas like a shotgun, one cock and she blows.

– Yo mamas like a Toyota, OOooh what a feeling!

– Yo mamas like a vacuum cleaner… a real good suck.

– Yo mamas like a vacuum cleaner… she sucks, blows, and then gets laid in the closet.

– Yo mamas like an ice cream cone… everyone gets a lick.

– Yo mamas like the Panama Canal, vessels full of seamen pass through her everyday.

– Yo mamas like a refrigerator, everyone puts their meat in her.

– Yo mamas like cake mix, 15 servings per package!

– Yo mamas like an elevator, guys go up and down on her all day.

– Yo mamas like Dennys… open 24 hours.

– Yo mamas like McDonalds… Billions and Billions served.

– Yo mamas like McDonalds… What you want is what you get.

– Yo mamas like mustard, she spreads easy.

– Yo mamas like the Pillsbury dough boy… everybody pokes her.

– Yo mamas like lettuce, $1 a head.

– Yo mamas like a hardware store, 25 cents a screw.

Your momma is so fat… the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs!

– Yo momma is so ugly, she entered and ugly contest and one of the judges said Sorry…No proffessionals allowed!!!

-Yo mommas so fat, when the lord said – Let There Be Light, he had to ask her to move over!

-Yo mamas teeth are so yellow that when she smiles, people SLOW DOWN!

-Yo mama is so fat, she walked into a resturant took one look at the menu and said,yes please!

-Yo momma so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale!

-Yo mommas so fat she had to get baptised at Sea World!

-Whenever your mamma farts, she causes a continental drift!

-Yo mommas so fat even if she was the last person alive, the world would still be over populated!

Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.

He says Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me.



His friend says Dont worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.



So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.



Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.



You reek of alcohol and youve thrown up all over yourself, my God youre disgusting etc.



Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, Wait. Its not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. Hed obviously had one too many, or else he just couldnt hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket.



She looks in his breast pocket and says, But this is forty dollars.



Ah, yes. says the man. He shit in my trousers too.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The
monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start
to get nervious I take a sip. So the next Sunday he took the
monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous
and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to
his office after mass he found the following note on his door.

Sip the Vodka, dont gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 12.

There are 12 disciples, not 10.

Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
dont say he was stoned off his ass.

We do not refer to the cross as the Big T]

When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,
Take this and eat it, for it is my body, he did not
say, Eat me.

The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, Mary with the
Cherry.

The recommended grace before a meal is not:
Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God

Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.
Peters, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffys.

There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he
wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbors bull
and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch
and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.

Yeah daddy, yeah daddy, said the little boy.

After a while the boy came into the living where his father was
talking with some friends. Say, Pop, said the boy. Yes,
replied his father.

The bull just fucked the brown cow.

There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said
Excuse me and took his son outside. Son, you mustnt use
language like that in front of company. You should say
The bull surprised the brown cow. Now go and watch
and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow.

The father went back inside the house. After a while the
boy came in and said, Hey, Daddy.

Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?

He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again!

Two smart, attractive, well-educated young law graduates, Sally and Edith, were competing for a prestigious job. As part of the job interview each was asked why she wanted the job. Edith answered that she wanted to work for a firm with a reputation of being concerned with truth and justice. When it was her turn, Sally simply opened her purse, took out a rather thin wallet and laid it on the senior partners desk. I want to fatten it up as fast as possible, she said. Sally got the job. Lawyers creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.







A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he made his selection, the stone cutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. Here lies an honest man and a lawyer, responded the lawyer. Sorry, but I cant do that, replied the stonecutter. In this state, its against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put here lies an honest lawyer. But that wont let people know who it is, protested the lawyer. Certainly will, retorted the stonecutter. People will read it and exclaim Thats Strange!







On visiting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found him sitting up in the bed, frantically leafing through the bible What are you doing? asked the friend. Looking for loopholes, replied the lawyer.







Two probate lawyers were overheard while discussing a current case: Its such a splendid estate. What a shame to squander it on the beneficiaries.







Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they

cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.







A lawyer lies dying, has his partner of 40 years by his bedside. Jack, Ive got to confess. Ive been sleeping with your wife for 30 years and Im the father of your daughter, Hillary. On top of that, Ive been stealing from the firm for a decade. Relax, says Jack, and dont think another thing about it. Im the one who put arsenic in your martini.







A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. Arent you going to have a drink yourself? asked the doctor. Sure, after the police leave, replied the attorney.







A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back and neck. The lawyer turns around and yells at the person behind him, What the hell do you think youre doing? The man behind him says, Im a chiropractor, and Im just keeping in practice while Im waiting in line. To that the lawyer replies, Well, Im a lawyer, and you dont see me fucking the guy in front of me, do you?







Two lawyers were walking down the street once and this fine woman passed them. One lawyer said, Id really like to screw her! Then the other lawyer said, Out of what?







Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. Look, said one to the other, lets be honest with each other. Okay, you first, replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.







For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time hed finally managed an affair with the innkeepers daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! Helen, why didnt you write when you learned you were pregnant? he cried. I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name! Well, she said, when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin and talkin and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.







A Hindi priest, a Muslim priest, and a lawyer are traveling across the country together. In the middle of Kansas, their car breaks down, so they push it to the nearest farm to fix it, but it gets dark by then. They ask the farmer if they can spend the night, and he says, Yup. We gots us a guest bed that will hold two of yer, but one of yuall gonna have to sleep in the barn. The travelers agree to this and the Hindi volunteers to sleep in the barn. The lawyer and the Muslim go up to the guest room and start to get ready for bed, but five minutes later, they hear a knock on the door. Its the Hindu, who says, Guys, I was lying down to go to sleep, but then I see this cow near me, and my religion wont allow me to sleep under the same roof as a cow. The Muslim understands, so he volunteers, but five minutes later, when the Hindi and lawyer are getting ready for bed, theres another knock on the door. Its the Muslim, and he says, Hey, Im truly sorry, but I was going to sleep when this pig started oinking near me, and my religion wont let me sleep near a pig. The lawyer finally agrees to sleep in the barn, although a little reluctantly. Five minutes later, theres another knock on the door. Its the cow and pig.







A bus load of Lawyers is traveling down a deserted road. Suddenly it swerves into a field and hits a tree, and catches fire. The owner of the field, a farmer, run up, surveys the scene, and buries all the lawyers. A week later, two policemen are traveling down that same road and notice the wreckage. They run up to the house and ask what happened. A busload of lawyers crashed into the tree and the bus caught fire replied the farmer. But what happened to all the lawyers?! asked the policeman. I buried them, The farmer said. They were all dead? cried the officer. Some of them said they werent, replied the farmer, but you know that lawyers are very good at lying.







A lawyer passes away and being the worst in his defense to his clients ends up at Satans door, upon his arrival he was greeted by Satan himself, looking at Satan he asks, why am I here? Satan replies, do you remember all the people you misrepresented and still took their money, though quite stunned the lawyer answers well, yes ok so, well Satan adds dont worry it will be fun here. And how so, the lawyer asks. Satan replies you look like a man who likes to have fun, right? Yes he answers. well we have daily scheduled events Monday through Friday. Mondays everyone gets to eat all kinds of food and you like that? Yes he answers. Tuesdays everyone drinks what ever they like no limit, the lawyer looks amazed, and can not believe he is in hell. So Satan adds do you like women? The attorney says why hell yes. Well then your going to love Wednesdays he adds, see not so bad so far. Well now for Thursday we offer a repeat of any of the previous days activities and you get to choose which day to repeat, WOW, exclaimed the shocked attorney, finally Satan asks now for Fridays, oh by the way, you wouldnt happen be gay would you? The stunned attorney said No! Satan says oh too bad your going to hate Fridays.







A drunk stands up in a bar and shouts, All Lawyers are scum bags. Another drunk stands up and yells, Hey, I resent that remark. The first drunk yells. Why are you a lawyer. No, said the second drunk, Im a scumbag.







A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girls grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave? Of course not, dear. replied the mother, Why would you think that? The tombstone back there said Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.







A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands werent met, they would release one lawyer every hour.