A guy asks a LA girl out on a date after meeting her in a bar.
She says, What kind of car do you drive? He replies A VW Bug.

She scornfully says, Thats awfully small! and he replies,

Dont worry, Im not going to fuck you with the car.

(This joke is an old Croation/Balkan joke, involving a peasant farmer
with a small plot trying to get a woman to marry him.)

Aquarius (Jan 23 – Feb 22) – You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 – Mar 22) – You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 – April 22) – You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 – May 22) – You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini (May 23 – June 22) – You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 – July 22) – You are sympathetic and understanding of other peoples problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and wont be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) – You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22) – You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) – You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 22) – You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 22) – You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 – Jan 22) – You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.

A man goes into a bar one evening and is surprised to see a ferret with no teeth, on the bar. He asks the barman what the ferret is for.

That, sir, says the barman,is a gentlemans pleasure.

So saying he puts the ferret down the front of the mans trousers. The ferret scurries around for a minute and then gives the man the best blow job hes ever had. Afterward, he asks the bartender if he can buy the ferret for $500.

No can do, he says, it cost me a lot, what with the dental work and everything.

The man then offers $1000 and the bartender accepts. That night the man takes the ferret home and goes into the kitchen where his battle-axe wife is eating chocolates. He puts the ferret on the table and says: Look what I bought for $1000. Its a gentlemans pleasure.

What do you expect me to do with it?

asks the witch.

Teach it to cook and then fuck off! says the man.

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to Where do pets come from?

Adam said, Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here & it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.



And God said, No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever & who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are & will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.



And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam & he wagged his tail. And Adam said, Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.



And God said, No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.



And Dog lived with Adam & was a companion to him & loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content & wagged his tail.



After a while, it came to pass that Adams guardian angel came to the Lord & said, Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.



And the Lord said, No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever & who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.



And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cats eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.



And God was pleased.

And Adam was greatly improved.

And Dog was happy.

And the Cat didnt give a hoot one way or the other.

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the brides and grooms families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, Silence in court!

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,
Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, OK.

Well, said Paddy, after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, God, that must have hurt!

Hurt? Paddy replies. He broke three of my fingers!

A man goes into the psychiatrists office and tells the doctor that he needs help over comming an obsession. All I think about, day and night, is fucking a sheep. Its driving me nuts.

I see, said the doctor. Would that sheep be a ram or a ewe?

Why a ewe of course, replied the patient indignantly. What do you think I am, a pervert or something?

1.) Man: Havent we met before? Woman: Yes, I was the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.

2.) Man: So, wanna go back to my place? Woman: Well, I dont know.

Will two people fit under a rock?

3.) Man: Id really like to get into your pants.

Woman: No thanks. Theres already one asshole in there.

4.) The most memorable rebuttal to a turn-down (used by the guy who

used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused:

Man: Want to Dance?

Woman: No, thank you.

Man: Dont thank me, thank God because somebody asked you.

5.) Man: Id like to call you. Whats your number?

Woman: Its in the phone book.

Man: But I dont know your name.

Woman: Thats in the phone book too.

6.) Man: So what do you do for a living?

Woman: Female impersonator.

7.) Man: You know, Id really love to travel to exotic places with you.

Woman: (tries to ignore him)

Man: You know what? I also love sex.. What do you say to that?

Woman: Hmmm you really love sex and travel?

Man: (nods his head smiling)

Woman: Then go take a fuckin hike!!!

8.) I like the line I once heard in a movie. This guy was trying to pick up this girl, and she said to him, Can you pound a railroad

spike through a 2×4 with your hard-on? To which he merely shudders a negative. She says, Well, a girls gotta have her standards.

9.) Man: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?

(Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)

Woman: Je voudrais bien, mais je nai rien a porter.

(I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)

10.) Q: What sign were you born under?

A: No Parking.

11.Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized, fuck off!

12.) After hearing a pick-up line:

Woman: I like your approach, now lets see your departure.

13.) A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60s approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, Where have you been all my life? She took one glance at him and said, For the first half of it, I probably wasnt born yet.

14.) A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, What are you looking at? My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken.

15.) While at college, a few friends were discussing how their passes had been rejected by the intended female recipient. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once.

When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, Hey, come on, were both here at this bar for the same reason!

She responded, Yeah! Lets pick up some chicks!

He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.

16.) The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar, alone, when the lounge lizard made his move.

Im here, he breathed huskily, to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.

The woman turned and looked at him. Her lips parted and she moistened them with the tip of her tongue. She leaned toward him with her hands on her thighs, and her eyes opened to the size of dinner plates.

She paused just a second and then delivered the crusher line, Well is it the size of donkey or Doberman?

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that youve taken anabolic steroids by running slower.

Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.

Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Increase blind peoples electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isnt looking.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Dont buy expensive ribbed condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. Youll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously erased.

Save money on expensive personalized car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate, Mr. KVL 741Y

Dont waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone elses house.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

A next door neighbours car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of warm air over any that you catch in the act.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzenegger by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since theyre always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc tastes exactly like the real thing, they wont know any difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since youd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Deep in the woods sat a bear and a squirrel at the communal latrine. Hmmm says the bear to the squirrel, Do you find that shit tends to stick to your fur?

Yes it does replies the squirrel.

Great! says the bear, and wipes his ass with the squirrel.

Copy of a Toronto farmers reply to a letter of demand from the Tax Office:

Dear Sir,

Your final tax demand arrived this morning. You say that you cannot understand why this account has not been settled.

Well – here are the reasons :

In 1985 I bought a small sawmill on credit

In 1986 I bought a timber wagon, a team of horses, two ponies, a double-barelled shotgun and two razor-backed hogs – all on credit.

In 1988 the bloody mill burned down leaving not a damned thing. One of my ponies died. The other pony I loaned to a neighbor who, I later found out, knew nothing about animals and starved the poor bugger to death. I then joined the Church.

In 1989 my father died and my brother was jailed for rape. A tramp seduced my daughter and made her pregnant. I had to pay the dirty bastard $500 to prevent him becoming a relative.

In 1990 one of my boys got the mumps. It affected his balls so badly he had to be castrated to save his life. Later that year while out fishing, the rubber dinghy overturned drowning two of my boys – neither being the castrated one.

In 1991 my wife ran off with a sheepshearer, leaving me with newly born twins as a souvenir. I employed a housekeeper whom I later married (to keep down expenses.) I had one hell of a job trying to make her pregnant. I saw my doctor who advised me that I should create some excitement at the crucial moment. That night I took the shotgun to bed with me and, at the time I thought she was right, I leaned out of the bed, and fired the gun out of the window.

Result – my wife shit the bed, I ruptured myself, and I shot the best milking cow I ever had.

In 1992 someone cut the nuts off my prize bull. I was buggered completely and took to drink.

I carried on drinking until all I had left in the world was a pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a piss kept me busy for quite a while.

After a time, I pulled myself together and bought, again on credit, a manure spreader, a reaper, a binder and another cow. Then the floods came and washed the whole bloody lot away. I was not insured.

My wife got VD from a travelling salesman, and another son, while taking a crap when working in the far field, wiped his arse on a poisoned rabbit skin and died from the infection. Again, it was not the castrated one.

You will imagine my surprise by reading that YOU will cause me trouble if I do not pay up! If you can think of any trouble that I may have missed out on, I would very much like to hear about it.

Trying to get money out of me is like trying to poke butter up a porcupines ass with a red hot poker.

Yours for more credit