The Man Whose Penis Made Him Locally Famous
My penis made me locally famous. I didnt find out about it until I got to
University. Before then my experience of women was nonexistent. Id been at a
boys school and anyway I was pretty spotty. I couldnt believe when, all of a
sudden, at the Freshers Ball, I was snogging. I was even more amazed when we
were in her room. We were both wasted. I didnt have a clue how to behave, I was
terrified, but she knew what to do and in no time we were naked, in bed. She was
kissing my mouth. My neck. My chest, my stomach, my….! She stopped.
My God! she said, incredulous. Your cock tastes just like CHOCOLATE!
Melanie (her name) wasnt a shy girl. She must have told her friend Suzy. I
realised this the next day when a very attractive girl, with hip clothes and
trainers, approached me in the Union Bar and just started chatting. This had
NEVER happened to me before. She asked me if I wanted to hear a new C.D. shed
bought and then we were in her room. Halfway through the second track we were
naked. Shed hardly even kissed me before her face disappeared under the duvet.
It does! she exclaimed suddenly. It bloody well does!!
Two weeks into University I was still a virgin. I had, however, received twenty
three blowjobs from twelve different girls and heard words such as incredible,
amazing, Bournville, Swiss and Belgian exclaimed by mops of hair beneath
my bedclothes. I had also been requested to immerse myself in a glass of milk
and move vigorously to see if any of the flavour rubbed off. It didnt.
I went to the Doctor. She didnt believe me. Nor did she try it out, which I
thought shockingly unscientific. But she did see the state I was in and give me
a salve.
Okay, so Ill admit it. For the first year it was great. I could have loads of
women, any time I wanted. I got cunning and made them sleep with me first. I got
fussy. All the guys on campus were jealous. People who didnt know me looked
wide eyed to see one or more stunning girls on the arm of a spotty, pale youth,
with lank dark hair and glasses. Whats he got?, they seemed to ask themselves.
But when the second year came I got really tired of it. There was a whole new
year of girls who wanted to try me out. I felt like an object. A specimen. And
there was something missing from my life, a yearning. I tried to have
conversations with girls, in the coffee bar say, but all the time their eyes
would be flicking to my crotch. Their tongues would run over their lips, their
eyes would glaze over. I would make a hasty excuse and leave. It was about this
time I began to get really upset about it. Everyone had started calling me Hob
Nob.
I say everyone, its not quite true. Some people called me Willy Wonka.
Hey, it is NOT funny! I was a person! I was more than a sexual organ that just
happened to be flavoured like confectionery. Everyone stared at me. All the
girls laughed when they saw me. I overheard them talking about me. About it! I
think I had a bit of a breakdown, I couldnt take it. All through my third year
I stayed in. I saw no one. The only person I even said Hi to was Sally Hughes, a
pretty girl with breasts so huge she seemed to look faintly embarrassed all the
time. I had overheard a guy bragging to his friend one day, in the sports hall,
about what hed done to them the night before.
Did you shag her? the friend asked.
No, the guy said, but I didnt care. They were the best breasts I ever came
across. Sally Hughes used to smile at me softly whenever we passed each other in
the square.
I had given up on my little University world. Everyone knew everything. Because
I didnt have anything to do I studied all the time. I got a First and went to
New York, Columbia, for a Masters. I took a deep breath of fresh air. Fantastic!
It was great! Nobody knew me! If I hadnt been for the lousy beer it would have
been perfect. I met Laurie a few months later and we started to go out. Id seen
her around in the cafeteria on campus, but it was only when I heard her give a
paper on radical feminism that I really noticed her. She wrote about the
politics of oral sex. She stood at the lectern in black jeans, white tee shirt,
her hair tied back severely, her little fists clenching to emphasise a point.
Oral sex, she concluded, is degrading. The worshipping of the phallus only
serves to enforce the enslavement of women. No woman should ever do it, and I
certainly wont do it ever again. Ever. Thankyou.
She stepped down from the platform to rapturous applause from a room mainly
filled by women. I was enraptured,entranced. I had to get to know her.
Well, eventually we got it together. Having no chocolate penis to rely on, I had
to be myself and for a long time she wasnt interested. But then it all
happened. Nights discussing politics, poetry, walks in the park, old Cocteau
movies. Love, smooth and slow, calm as an angel. About a year after we met, she
was lying in my bed, naked, her black hair blooming like an impossible rose
against my sheets, her flawless skin almost as white as they were. I was so
happy. I started to kiss her, to cover her with kisses. I wanted to adore her,
to make her feel better than anything; sighs escaped her like wind from a wood
across a wheat field…
No! she said.
She took me by the scruff of the neck. Not there!
I stopped.
Why not? I asked. I knew it, she said firmly. I wont do it to you. I wont.
Not…
I know, I assured her. I want to do it to you. I dont want you to do it to me
ever.
You will, she said, you will! I knew this would happen…
I didnt listen to her. I knew. There was no way Id let her even if she wanted
to. Never. I covered the insides of her thighs with my face and rested my hands
on the tops of her legs. I pushed them apart slightly. She resisted a little but
then she opened her legs wider and I…
I stopped. I lifted my head up. Guinness, I said, Guinness!!