Little Johnny is in class and the teacher is at the chalk board. She turns to the class after putting the letter S on the board. Ok class, I would like someone to give me a word that starts with the letter S. Johnny raises his hand and says Me me me me.

The teacher says to herself no way. hes so fouled mouth he will say shit or something.

So she calls on Suzzy. Suzzy says Sunflower.

Very good Suzzy. Then she outs the letter f up on the board little Johnny wonce again is saying ME me me. She says Franklin give me a letter thats starts with the letter F.

Franklin says funny teacher.

Very good Franklin.

This went on for most of the class. Finally she put the letter R up on the board. Johnny sat scratching his head like he was thinking real hard. She thought alright I got him.

Johnny can you give me a word that starts with the letter R?. Yes. Johnny says.

Rats. teacher.

Very good Johnny.

Then he said big fucking rats three foot long with sixteen in harry dicks.

The teacher faintede.

A man goes to his dentist for a regular check-up. After the dentist has had a short look at the mans mouth he says, So…been licking your wife recently?

The poor man looks up in horror and replies, Uhhh …Yeah …uhhh …why? …Do I have pubes between my teeth?

Whereupon the dentist replies, Nope …youve got shit in your nostrils!

A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm.
He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At first he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out!
He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it

There are three morals to this story:

1. Not everyone who gets you into shit is your enemy

2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend

3. If you are in shit, keep your mouth shut

4 KINDS OF SEX

HOUSE SEX: When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX: After you have been married for a while you just have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX: After you have been married for many, many years, you just pass each other in the hall and say, FUCK YOU

COURTROOM SEX: Your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of lots of people for every penny youve got.

Problem: World Hunger



Solution: Chop up some of the hungry people and feed them to other hungry people until no one is hungry anymore.



Problem: World Peace



Solution: Remove all the humans from the planet.



Problem: Poverty



Solution: Give the poor people the job of chopping up the hungry people and pay them.



Problem: People Leaching Welfare (CANADA)



Solution: Chop them up with the hungry people.



Problem: War



Solution: Create a new law so that for every person you kill, you loose a limb. Bullets and firearms will be sold to you, but at the price of a limb. When you die, your firearms will be cremated with you.



Problem: Injustice



Solution: This will never be solved, because no matter how fair something may be, some damn whiner will bitch about it and come up with some lame excuse as to why it is unfair.



Problem: Over Population



Solution: Sterilize the population.



Problem: Nuclear Weapons



Solution: Dismantle them and send them into space. If we ever need them to blow up an asteroid, then put them together again.



Problem: Aliens Stealing DNA Samples



Solution: Start shooting DNA into space to save the aliens the trip… and us the probing.



Problem: Washing Machine & Dryer Stealing Socks



Solution: Take them into the fields and shoot them along with the designers.



Problem: Stupid People



Solution: Kill them. Only I get to decide who lives.



Problem: Bad Parents



Solution: Parents must pass a test administered by me. If they fail, they get sterilized until they pass the test. If you fail twice, you stay sterilized for 5 years.



Problem: Animal Abuse



Solution: Kill the person doing it. I get to kill them.



Problem: Space Junk Floating AroundSolution: Make a giant pool skimmer and clean the place up! How can we possibly have company over when the place is a mess?



Problem: Stupid Teenage Female Puppet Singers (Like Brittany Spears)



Solution: Pump up their fake boobs until they explode or fuck them up the ass real hard until they bleed to death. Tape it as well so I can piss myself laughing.



Problem: Dumbass All Boy Bands Who All Sound The Same



Solution: Force them to do their little dance routines for months, or until they collapse. If that doesnt work, then fuck them up the ass real hard until they bleed to death. Then shoot them and tape it for me.

On the first day of school, a 3rd grade teacher told her class: Now that you are grown up, I dont want to hear anymore baby talk. Id like each of you to tell us what you did during the summer vacation. Well start with Billy.

Billy: I went on a long trip with my family in the putt-putt.



Teacher: No, Billy, its not a putt-putt. Its a car. No more baby talk. Sally, youre next.



Sally: We went on a trip on a choo-choo to see Grandma.



Teacher: Sally, its not a choo-choo. Its a train. Please no more baby words. Mikey, what did you do?



Mikey: I didnt go anywhere. I stayed home and read my favorite book.



Teacher: And whats the name of the book.



Mikey looked embarrassed and shook his head.



Teacher: Come on, Mikey. Youre a big boy now. Tell us the name of the book and dont use any baby talk.



Mikey looked up, blushed, and said: O.K. ….. Winne-the-Shit!

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, Im going to become a lion tamer.

The other replies, Thats crazy, you dont know nothing about no lion taming.



Yes I do!



Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?



Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down.



Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?



Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down.



Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?



Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him.



Well, what if that gun doesnt work? What will you do then?



Well, then I pick up some of the shit thats on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage.



Well, what if there aint no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?



Well, thats dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun dont work, theres going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that.

THE FRANKLIN FACTOR: Early to bed and early to rise means its time to
meet more guys.

THE RAT RACE: If theres one rat in a room full of nice men, hell hit
on you first.

THE EYEGLASS PRESCRIPTION: Dont wear your glasses on a blind date.
Youll look better, and he will too.

THE RING RULE: A watched telephone never rings.

THE CREEP CALL: Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. Its a call
from a creep you told you were busy.

THE FISHING FORECAST: They say there are lots of good fish in the sea.
But who wants to go out with a fish?

THE PSYCHOLOGICAL PROGNOSIS: Love is a form of temporary insanity
curable only by marriage.

THE ROPE TRICK: Give a man enough rope and hell lasso another woman.

MIND OVER MATTER: No one ever falls in love with another persons mind
at a cocktail party.

THE FAULT FINDER: The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to
move in with your lover.

THE UNINTENDED RESULT: 1) Mens desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy.

2) Womens desire for intimacy often results in sex.

THE RABBIT RULE: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.

THE DANGLE DOCTRINE: You cant keep a good man down.

TWAINS TRUTH: Familiarity breeds children.

THE FERTILITY FACTOR: Women are only fertile a few days each
month…unless theyre single.

THE PREPARATION PREDICAMENT: The longer you spend in the bathroom
preparing for sex, the more likely hes fallen asleep by the time
youre ready.

There was a blind man and he was looking for a

new job… he decided to go out and find a jod with



wood so he went out looking for a job….





he found a place he went in and applied by



person.. the boss told him that he was not looking



for anyone at the moment but the blind man



proceeded to beg the boss…





finally the man gave in and the blind man told him



he could tell him the length of the wood and the



kind that it is so the boss brought out a piece of



wood that was 2 feet long and it was pine.. he



held it to the blind mans nose and the blind man



told him exactly what length and what kind of



wood it was.. so the boss got a piece that was 3



feet and oak and again the blind man guessed



right on the dot .. then the boss wanted to trick the



blind man so he went and got old lulu the cook..



brought her out and bent her over the blind man



took one big wiff and asked the boss to turn it over



so she turned over and the blind man took



another big wiff then screamed UH HUH… its a



shit house door off a tuna boat.

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. Its a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch….

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotists fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. Shit said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.