Poze din categoria ‘Foul Language’ Category

Music joke

Poza publicata in [ Foul Language ]

How to buy a stero1. Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc. Multiply by a factor of 100.

2. The ideal system should have as many lights as possible, preferably blinking and flashing in time with the music.

3. The components should all have black metal finish, and generally look very cool.

4. The system should be broken up into as many components as possible. (e.g. pre-amp, pre-pre-amp, pre-menstrual-amp, post-amp, post-menopause-amp, etc.)

5. The most important part of a stereo system is the speakers, they should look very cool. Size and number of sub-speakers and varieties of components pointed at the listener is important. (e.g. tweeters, hooters, sub-woofers, super-sub-woofers, seismic noise generators, etc.)

6. The system should resemble the cockpit of an F16 or 757 aircraft; the more knobs and dials you can turn, the better.

7. The system should have full remote control capability, including over the mobile auto cellular phone so that the stereo can be playing as you get home.

8. Should have the capability of playing different music in every room of the house.

9. Components should have a cool names; this means no department store brands.

10. The complete set-up should put a major recording studio or large radio station to shame. After all, you may be trying to duplicate the exciting feeling of being at a heavy metal concert in a football stadium with 70,000 screaming fans.

11. Having state-of-the-art equipment is not enough. You should be a year or two ahead of everyone else. Equipment over the warranty period is obsolete and should be disposed of promptly.

12. The most important factor–out of everyone you know who owns stereo equipment, yours should be better.

Accountant in Prison

Poza publicata in [ Foul Language ]

This Enron accountant get put into prison. His cellmate is a much larger, more hardened criminal, who greets him and asks; Do

you want ot be the husband tonight or would you prefer to be the wife?





The Enron accountant thinks quickly, and replies, Since I have a choice, Id like to be the husband!





His cellmate grins and says, Good, get over here and suck your wifes cock, NOW!

Schoolkids way to getting the monday off

Poza publicata in [ Foul Language ]

One Friday afternoon, a gradeschool teacher announced she would allow kids to take Monday off from school if that student could tell her who she was quoting. Her first quote was Who said, I have a dream.? A little black kid raised his hand.

The Reverand Martin Luther King said that, Billy answered.

Very good, Billy, the teacher said, you can take Monday off.

From the back of the classroom, she hears someone say Fuckin nigger!

Who said that? she angrily demands.

From the same student she hears Mark Fuhrman. See ya Tuesday, Teach.

No Way!

Poza publicata in [ Foul Language ]

A man and his friend walks into a bar one saturday night, And the man gets totally drunk. The man starts arguing Yeah Right!. Everybody in the bar keeps on hearing him yell No Way! and finally his friend walks up to him and says Whats the fucks your problem?

. The man replies Well, this little guy here keeps on saying some guy named George W. Bush is the president!. So then the friend replies:

OK, first of all, Geroge W. Bush is the President, and second of all, your talking to a stool.

What Is Politics?

Poza publicata in [ Foul Language ]

This little boy goes to his dad and asks, What is politics?

Dad says, Well son, let me try to explain it this way: Im the breadwinner
of the family, so lets call me Capitalism. Your Mom, shes the
administrator of the money, so well call her the Government. Were here to
take care of your needs, so well call you the People. The nanny, well
consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, well call him the
Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad had said. Later
that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on
him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little
boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not
wanting to wake her, he goes to the nannys room. Finding the door locked,
he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives
up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now.

The father says, Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about.

The little boy replies, Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working
Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the
Future is in Deep Shit.

Its Against the Law to…

Poza publicata in [ Foul Language ]

In Oblong, Illinois, its punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isnt allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you — or holding you in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown — if theyre nude.(Apparently, if you wear socks, youre safe from the law!)

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And its illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a stores walk-in meat freezer!

A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman cant go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job — for men only — called a corset inspector.)

However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male.

Its safe to make love while parked in Coeur dAlene, Idaho. Police officers arent allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.

Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman cant dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.

In Carlsbad, New Mexico, its legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.

A Florida sex law: If youre a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you cant parachute on Sunday afternoons.

Women arent allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio, a man might see the reflection of something he oughtnt!

No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and her name is to be published in the local newspaper. The man isnt charged nor is his name revealed.

In Las Vegas, Nevada: Its against the law to pawn your dentures.

In Natoma, Kansas; Its illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suites.

Idaho Falls, Idaho: If youre 88 years of age or older, its illegal for you to ride your motorcycle.

In Vermont: Its against the law (not to mention impossible) to whistle under water.

In Alabama: Its illegal to play dominoes on Sunday.

In Barber, North Carolina: Its illegal for a cat to fight a dog (or vice versa).

In Clawson City, Michigan: Its illegal to sleep with chickens.

A pet rooster cannot say cock-a-doodle-do within the city limits of Mount Dora, Fl.

In Richmond, Va., you must buy a license for 93 cents to sell song books on the street.

The U.S. government says its a crime to give false weather reports.

In Gary, Ind., you cannot go straight to the theater after eating garlic.

You can be fined $500 if you bother a butterfly in Pacific Grove, Ca.

In Maryland, a woman may not go through her husbands pockets while he is sleeping.

There is no horse racing allowed on the New Jersey Turnpike.

In Waterloo, Neb., barbers cannot eat onions between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m.

Donkeys are not allowed to sleep in bathtubs in Brooklyn, N.Y.

In New York, you can teach your pet parrot to speak, but not to squawk.

Cars are not allowed to scare horses in Centerville, Ohio.

On the books in Tennessee:

In Alamo: A person found intoxicated must be given a large dose of castor oil by a local doctor…and failure to gulp it down will result in a fine.

In Newport: Its against the law to tickle a girl under her chin with a feather duster in order to get her attention.

In Collierville: Keeping clean can be a chilly proposition, as a law there says all bathtubs must be kept in the backyard.

In Waverly: You better not let your horse near the tub, since horses are prohibited from sleeping in them, as well as in the house.

In Wartburg: The town strictly forbids single, widowed or divorced women from parachuting on Sunday!

It is against the law to have disco dance contests last more than eight hours.

It is against the law to call another person a coward if he refuses to duel.

Why is a violist like a terrorist?

Poza publicata in [ Foul Language ]

Q: Why is a violist like a terrorist?

A: They both fuck up bowings! (Boeings – get it?).

You Are So Ugly!

Poza publicata in [ Foul Language ]

Youre so ugly, when you walk into the bank they turn off the cameras.
If ugliness were bricks, you would be the Great Wall Of China.
Youre so ugly, you went to a haunted house and came out with an application.
If ugliness was a crime, youd get the electric chair.
You were so ugly at birth, your parents named you Shit Happens.
Youre so ugly, your mate wont have to worry about birth control… your face will do just fine.
Youre so ugly, you could model for death threats.
Youre so ugly, when you were born they put tinted windows on your incubator.
Youre so ugly, you have to sneak up on your mirror.
Youre so ugly, when you look in the mirror your reflection turns to stone.
Youre so ugly, when you sit in the sand the cats try to bury you.
Youre so ugly, your doctor is a vet.
Youre so ugly, when you were born the doctor took one look at you and slapped your parents.
Youre so ugly, you stuck your head out of the car window and got arressted for mooning.
Youre so ugly, your pet name is Scooby-Doo.
Your girl is so ugly, you gave her a hickey and got a mouthful of fur.
Youre so ugly, you have to Trick or Treat by phone.
Youre so ugly, when your mother went into labor your father went into shock.
Youre so ugly, everytime your mother looks at you she says to herself, Damn, I shouldve just given head.
I know why you look like a horse, because I saw your mother grazing in the field.
Youre so ugly, when we play peek-a-boo – first I peeked, then I booed.
Youre so ugly, you can sink your face in dough and make monster cookies.
Youre so ugly, they call you Taco Bell – when people see you they run for the border.
Youre so ugly, you make onions cry.
Youre so ugly, the tide wouldnt bring you in.
Youre so ugly, I took you to see the zookeeper and he said, Thanks for bringing him back.
Youre so ugly, you mother had to get drunk before she breast fed you.
Youre so ugly, you went to a freak show and got a permanent job.
Youre so ugly, the police sketch artists are afraid to draw you.
Youre so ugly, when you get sick they call the vet.
Youre so ugly, you make blind kids cry.
Youre so ugly, farmers use your picture as a scarecrow.
Youre so ugly, everytime you go out you get chased by the dogcatcher.
Youre so ugly, when you jerk off your hand tries to fall asleep.
Youre so ugly, you cant hail a bus.
Youre so ugly, they call you Moses because every time you step the water parts.
Youre so ugly, you give Freddy Krugger nightmares.
Youre so ugly, they let you park in handicapped spaces.
Youre so ugly, when you threw a boomerang it didnt come back.
Youre so ugly, when you went to the zoo they refused to let you out.
Youre so ugly, you cant get a date off the calendar.
Youre so ugly, when your mother went into labor the doctors went on strike.
Youre so ugly, your last name is Link and your first is Missing.
Your girlfriend is so ugly, OPP meas, Oh, please, put it away!
Youre so ugly, people put your picture in their car window as an anti-theft device.

Fart joke – At the first date

Poza publicata in [ Foul Language ]

A young guy had just picked up his first date, and hed been invited round hers for dinner, which he gratefully accepted – however, he had bad flatulence and did not want the family to find this out!

However – upon arrival at his girlfriends – he discovered they had a dog – so he thinks that maybe he can get the dog blamed for his farts if he needs to. As they are sitting around the table eating – he feels one brewing up, he is sitting near the dog though – and he thinks hell try his luck!

Te tries to let the first one out quietly but makes a small noise – the girls mother yells out Spot!!! and he thinks its working!!!. A bit later he needs to do another one – this time he relaxes more and makes a bit more noise this time – again the mother yells out Spot!!! and he thinks hee hee! (or something similar!)

Anyway – after coffee he needs another one – this one is very loud, and the mother yells out Spot!!! Get out of the way before he shits on you!!!

Naked Man and Nuns

Poza publicata in [ Foul Language ]

Two nuns were driving down a country road when a naked man jumped out in front of them and began dancing lewdly.

What should we do? one sister frantically asked.

Show him your cross. the other said.

Hey, mister, the first nun yelled, as she rolled down her window, get the fuck out of my way!