First Class?
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks into the forward cabin at the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

The blonde replies, Im young, blonde and beautiful, and Im going to sit here all the way to New York.

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blonde replies, Im young, blonde and beautiful, and Im going to sit here all the way to New York.

The captain doesnt want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blondes ear.

She immediately gets up, says, Thank you so much. hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, I just told her that the first class section isnt going to New York.

Clinton was at a fund raiser. He had to take a leak so he went to the bathroom, stepped up to a toilet and whipped it out.

Just then Jessie Jackson walked in, went to the toilet next to Clinton and took his out.

Clinton looked down and said Geez, Jessie, how the heck did you get such a big cock?

Jessie said Easy, every time I am about screw, I slap my dick on the bed post four times, as hard as I can.

Clinton put this in the back of his little mind. When Clinton went home, he saw Hillary sound asleep. Bill felt the urge, so he whipped little willie out and slapped it real hard four times against the bed post.

At that time, Hillery said Is that you Jessie?

• You decide to show the boss YOUR version of a golden parachute.
  

• Mike from accounting says, Slow down, pal. This aint no Kennedy
  reunion!
  

• The people in charge of the Diversity Program dont seem to care
  much for your Buckwheat impersonation.
  

• You resurrect that old Pull My Finger routine for the folks from
  the home office.
  

• Your overly enthusiastic karaoke rendition of Michael Jacksons
  Beat It lands you in jail for public lewdness.
  

• You organize an Armpit Orchestra to play Hail to the Chief when
  the CFO arrives.
  

• You offer to teach the boss your procedure for making Butt Xeroxes.
  

• You attempt to qualify for the 3 legged race — solo.
  

• You remember what to kiss, but forget whose.
  

• Evidently a bears not the only one who can shit in the woods.
  

• You keep calling your boss Boo-Boo and bugging him to help you
  look for pic-a-nic baskets.
  

• Last words you utter before passing out? Slide, you fat bastard!
  Slide!
  

• Everytime CFO pauses during big speech you scream, FREEBIRD!!
  

• But everybody pees in the pool!
  (not from the diving board, my friend)
  

This is the one-liner file annual, a collection of the various short jokes,
puns and one liners that didnt excite me enough to be given a posting of
their own, but are still worth reading.

Paraphrased from Global Village News from Nickelodeon:

The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.
Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people
and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.

Heard on WEEI Boston today:

[A recent survey finds that] 15-to-19-year-olds now have fewer sexual
partners than they did ten years ago.

And you thought they were playing doctors and nurses.

That money talks, Ill not deny.
I heard it once. It said, good-bye.

How did the computer scientist die in the shower?

He read the directions on the shampoo: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

College is a fountain of knowledge… and the students are there to drink.

Think of how much fun you could have with the doctors wife and a
bucket of apples.

Did you hear about the merger between Honeywell and Fairchild? The new
company will be known as: Fairwell Honeychild

[This is original.]

There is a CD out entitled The Worst of Jefferson Airplane. If you
buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back
and demand a refund?

Q: How many ancient Greek mathematicians does it take to replace
a light-bulb?

A: Infinitely many! The first does half the job, the next a quarter,
the third does one-eighth etc.

Q: Whats a polar bear?

A: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

Dumb Q: When the heck is Spring break?

Dumb A: Spring break is the time of the year when half the nations coeds are
in two pieces.

From the X-windows xwud(1) man-page…

This is a crude version of a more advanced utility that has never been written.

Jeff Marder told this one on Foxs Comic Strip Live, 3/10/90:

When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?

What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a moth ball in
the other hand?

One HELL of a moth!!

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but thats not
true. I have the heart of a young boy–in a jar on my desk.

— Stephen King, 3/8/90

The tri stages of sex in marriage–

Tri-weekly
Try-weekly
Try-weakly

Heard on Lenos monologue a few weeks ago:

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10
doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

Several people on the BITNET RELAY system one night decided that Digital
needs to add a new command to VAX/VMS:

$ SET TIME/DAY=FRIDAY/DATE=BLONDE

What do you call a 300 pound woman in Minnesota?
Anemic.

If people ate what they killed,
there would be NO MORE WARS!

Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so
fast it can photograph an American with his mouth shut!

Reichels Law:

A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by an
outside force. (Carol Reichel)

IBM: It may be slow, but its hard to use.

The price of political assassinations in Eastern Europe
has dropped by a factor of two in recent weeks.

It seems the KGB is going out of business, so theyre
having a liquidation sale.

Heard during Will Dursts routine at Catch a Rising Star…

Whats the difference between a brown-noser and a shithead?

Depth perception.

Q: What does the new movie rating NC-17 stand for?

A: Not in Cincinnati or within 17 miles thereof.

I clipped this Frank and Ernest comic out of the paper about a year ago:

Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company. Ever since
they threatened to fire me, Frank replied.

The doctoral candidates creed …

Death before dissertation.

The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like
someone beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it… I
can see why!–Harry Skelton (harry@usrgrp)

Q. What do you call it when someone rubs a Volkswagen van on your head?

A. A Fahrvergnoogie.

Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master merely stays out
of the way.

A skeleton in the saloon:
One beer and one towel, please !

Definition of sloppy

sloppy: /slopi/,

a) adj, -pier, -piest, 1. muddy, slushy or very wet. 2. week,
silly or maudlin. 3. loose, careless or slovenly.

b) noun, colloq, -s, student living of parents, pre-yuppie stage.
—-
Its much more descriptive than YUPPY, DINKY et.al. [part of the definition
is lifted from The Macquarie]

Definition:-

Spoonerism: Having wrubble with your turds.

An elderly English couple, the wife rather deaf, were visiting New York.
They hail a cab and start out on a lengthy journey. It being New York, it
isnt long before the driver starts talking.

Driver: Youre limeys, arent you?
Man: Aye, we are.
Wife: What did he say?
M: He asked if we were English and I said we were.
W: Ah.

D: I was in England, during the war.
M: Oh aye.
W: What did he say?
M: He said he was in England during the war.
W: Ah.

D: I was in Burnley, in Lancashire. You know it?
M: Yes, thats where we come from.
W: What did he say?
M: He said he was in England during the war – near Burnley.
W: Ah.

D: Do you know a patch of woodland just south of Burnley?
M: Aye, I know it.
W: What did he say?
M: He asked if we knew the woods south of Burnley and I said we did.
W: Ah.

D: You know, it was in those woods, during the war, I had the worst
fuck Ive ever had in my entire life.
W: What did he say?
M: He says he knows you.

This paper has been sent to you for good luck. The original has been worn out from having passed through the hands of so many people. It had travelled around the world 70 times

[Dear Reader: please help keep this count current. If this letter falls into your hands after just completing one more circuit of the world, please add one to the count.]

The luck has now been sent to you. You will experience great sex within four days of receiving this letter, provided you send it on! Since the copy must tour the world, you must make twenty copies and send them to others.

This is no joke. Send no money.

Send copies to people who need to get laid within 96 hours.

After he passed this letter on, a Montana Spinach Control Officer got his penis stuck in a cow-milking machine and had the longest series of ograsms of his life.

John Elliot tried to pick up a prositute, but, because he broke the chain, was picked up by the police instead. When they searched his home, they found magazines of little boys which they showed to his neighbours.

In a suburb of Paris, Don Lorays trousers were ripped by an unsatisfied erection, 51 days after failing to circulate the letter. However, before this happened, a condom machine gave him three condoms for the price of one. (was this the consolation prize?)

Do note the following:

Hebert Pudstrom received the chain in 1953. He asked his secretary to make twenty copies and send them out. A few days later he encountered her in a red-light district making more than he had every paid her at work.

General George Patton, who sent the letter on, saw what he thought was a quarter in the street. When he bent down to pick it up, a beautiful woman in a miniskirt walked by, and he got a great view. His aide, Colonel ger Bumswiver, who did not pass on the letter, tried to pick up a similar object but was fucked up the ass by a desperate gay when he bent over.

Heywood Daddit, an unemployed chicken choker, received the letter and forgot that it had to leave his hands within 96 hours. His wife then went bowling with his best friend and never returned. Later, after finding the letter again, he mailed twenty copies. A few days later he got a wife and discovered that his old wife, who he thought was wonderful, had made love to him like a dead salmon for all these years!

Alan Fairchild received the letter and, not believing, threw the letter away. Nine days later he spilled hot coffee in his crotch.

In 1987 the letter received by a young woman in Texas was faded and barely readable, so she did not realize that this paragraph applied to her. She promised herself she would retype the letter and send it on, but she put it aside to do later. She was plagued with problems including herpes and other venereal diseases she contracted in her futile attempts to find Mr. Right in a singles bar. The letter did not leave her hands in 96 hours. She finally typed the letter and found a man with a 10-inch penis.

You must distribute at least twenty copies within 96 hours of receiving this letter. Those who do will find their love lives more fulfilling.

Those who do not will be doomed to one-night stands with mechanical devices.

The Perfect Woman would say:

1. Ill swallow it all . . . I love the taste.

2. Are you sure youve had enough to drink?

3. Im bored. Lets shave my pussy!

4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!

5. God..if I dont get to blow you soon, I swear Im gonna bust!

6. I know its a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?

7. Youre so sexy when youre hungover.

8. Id rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

9. Lets subscribe to Hustler.

10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

11. Say, lets go down to the mall so you can check out womens asses.

12. Ill be out painting the house.

13. I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.

14. Honey..our new neighbors daughter is sunbathing again, come see!

15. Ive decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

16. No, No, Ill take the car to have the oil changed.

17. Your mother did a great job raising you.

18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentines day thing and buy yourself new clubs.

19. I understand fully…our anniversary comes every year. You go hunting with the guys, its a wonderful stress reliever.

20. Shouldnt you be down at the bar with your buddies?

21. Not the fucking mall again, come on lets go to that new strip joint!

22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why dont you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or

8.

23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.

24. That was a great fart! Do another one!

25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya…

What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?

A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

Top 10 reasons for being French:

1. When speaking fast, you make yourself sound gay.

2. You own half the worlds perfume industry and still never use deodorant.

3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frogs legs.

4. If theres a war, you can surrender really early.

5. You dont have to read subtitles on late night films on Channel 4.

6. You can test your nuclear weapons in other peoples countries.

7. You can be ugly and still become a famous star.

8. You can allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street and humiliate your sense of national pride.

9. You dont have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.

10. People think youre a great lover even when youre not.

Top 10 reasons for being Italian:

1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.

2. You are unembarrassed to wear fur.

3. No need to worry about tax returns.

4. Glorious military history… well, till about 400 AD.

5. You can wear sunglasses inside.

6. Political stability.

7. Flexible working hours.

8. You live near the Pope.

9. You can spend hours braiding your girlfriends armpit hair.

10. Sicilian murderers run your country.

Top 10 reasons for being Spanish:

1. You have a glorious history of killing South American tribes.

2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.

3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes and Brits.

4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.

5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims its the real thing.

6. Honesty.

7. The only sure way of bedding a woman is for you to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.

8. You get to eat bulls testicles.

9. Gibraltar.

10. You supported Argentina in the Falklands War.

Top 10 reasons for being Indian:

1. Chicken Madras.

2. Lamb Passanda.

3. Onion Bhaji.

4. Bombay Potato.

5. Chicken Tikka Masala.

6. Rogan Josh.

7. Popadoms.

8. Chicken Dopiaza.

9. Meat Bhuna.

10. Kingfisher Lager.

Top 10 reasons for being American:

1. You can have a woman President – without electing her.

2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.

3. You can call Budweiser beer.

4. You can be a crook/adulterer and still be President.

5. If youve got enough money you can get elected to do anything.

6. If you can breathe, you can get a gun.

7. You can invent a new public holiday every year.

8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.

9. You can call everyone youve ever met buddy.

10. You can think youre the greatest nation on earth when youre not at all.

Top 10 reasons for being English:

1. Two World Wars and one World Cup, doo-dah, doo-dah.

2. Warm beer.

3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.

4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.

5. Union Jack underpants.

6. Water shortages are guaranteed every summer.

7. You can live in the past and imagine youre still a world power.

8. You can bathe once a week – whether you need to or not.

9. Ditto – changing underwear.

10. It beats being Welsh or Scottish.

Top 10 reasons for being Welsh:

1. Youve got to be joking havent you?

Top 10 reasons for being Irish:

1. Guinness.

2. You have 18 children because you cant use contraceptives.

3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someones road.

4. Your pubs never close.

5. You can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you cant have sex with a condom on.

6. No one can ever remember the night before.

7. You kill people you dont agree with.

8. Stew.

9. More Guinness.

10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at three in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.

Top 10 reasons for being Australian:

1. You know your great-grandad was a murdering bastard that no civilized nation on earth wanted. You get to live in what was Britains largest open prison.

2. Fosters Lager.

3. You dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.

4. You get to annihilate England every time you play them at cricket.

5. Your tact and sensitivity.

6. Bondi Beach.

7. Other beaches.

8. Your liberated attitude to homosexuals.

9. You get to drink cold lager on the beach.

10. You get to have a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.

Top 10 reasons for being a Kiwi:

1. You get to shag chicks that resemble Jonah Lomu in a frock.

2. Beer.

3. Rugby.

4.See above.

5. See above.

6. See above.

7. See above.

8. See above.

9. See above.

10. You get to hate everyone else… unless its their round.

Little Johnny is in the first grade and is told by the teacher hes going to be in the class play.

He tells her: No, I wont be in the class play.

The teacher says: You have to be in the class play.

He tells her: No, I wont be in the class play.

She says: Look, if youre not in the class play, youll break your mothers heart. I know how you feel so Ill give you the easiest part. All you have to say is Hark, theres hope for her soul. Ill snatch a kiss and steal off in the night. Shakespeare.

Reluctantly the kid agrees.

On the big night his moment comes. The stage lights are on him, his mother smiles and Johnny says: Hark, theres soap in her hole. Ill kiss her snatch and beat off in the night. Snakeshit … er … Spereshit … er … Oh, fuck it. I didnt want to be in the play in the first place.