A ten year old boy is walking down the street dragging a dead frog on a string. He walks up into a whorehouse and says to the madame, I would like one girl please. The madame looks at the young boy and says, Im sorry I cant help you, youre too young. So the boy digs into his pocket and whips out two hundred bucks and throws it on the counter. The madame picks up the money up and says, I think we will be able to work something out here.

Then the boy says, On one condition…The girl has to have active herpes. The madame drops the money back onto the counter and says, Well Im sorry I cant help you. All my girls are clean, they get tested every week. So the boy digs back into his pocket and whips out another two hundred bucks and throws it onto the counter. And the madame says, Actually, I think I have just the girl for you. So the boy goes upstairs and does his thing with the girl.

He is on his way down the stairs to leave and hes still dragging that dead frog by a string. The madame stops him as hes leaving and says, Can I ask you a question before you leave? and the kid says, Yeah sure. The madame asks, Why in the hell would a kid your age want a girl with active herpes? Youre gonna keep that the rest of your life, thats insane!

The boy retorts, Well it goes like this… Im gonna go home now and fuck my babysitter. About 11:00 tonight mom and dad will come home. Dad will take the babysitter home and hell fuck her. Then hell come back that same night and fuck my mom. Than about 9:00 tomorrow morning the milkman comes, and thats the motherfucker who killed my frog!

Q. What did one gay sperm say to another?
A. How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

Oh Husband, Dear Husband, I tremble with fear.

Youve been on overtime almost a year,

And since you are gone, till way late at night

A good piece of ass seems way out of sight.

O Husband, Dear Husband, Please dont be a fool,

Working this overtime is wasting your tool.

For better it is, to be poor all your life,

Than to bring a soft peter home to your wife.

I used to be happy as your little queen,

But now every night youre no where to be seen

You come home from work just able to creep,

I feel like screwing, but you want to sleep.

Each evening, Dear Husband, you crawl into bed,

Your intentions are good but your peter is dead.

I play with your pecker all wrinkled and dry,

I get so damn mad, I could lay down and cry.

I have pleaded with you dear, with tears in my eyes,

Ive played with your balls, but your pecker wont rise,

So Ill find me a man who works eight hours a day,

And while youre on O.T., well proceed to make hay.

For in this whole world, there is only one sin,

For which there is no pardon, and never has been,

And that is a man whos so foolish and mean,

That he gives up his fucking to run a machine.

There was a retarded duck farmer who had 2 sons, but only enough money to send one to college. So he came up with a fair way to choose who was to get the money. He called both of his sons into a room and gave them each a retarded duck and instructed them to go into the city. The one who made the most off the duck would win the money for college.

Well the first child, being the good child he was, scurried off to sell his duck. As he was walking, he saw a lady mowing her lawn. She jumped up from the mower and screamed, IS THAT A RETARDED DUCK?!? It sure is he replyed, and its for sale too! She said that she collected retarded ducks and would gladly pay him $10 for that duck, he agreed.

Well the other son being the bad kid went strait for the whore house. When he got there, a lady started hittin on him. He said hed love to fuck her but he doesnt have any money, just this retarded duck. She thought about it for awhile and said, well I always did want a pet. So they go in the back and have mad passionate animal sex. When they were done, the lady said she didnt want the duck anymore. He said he would gladly take the duck back if he could fuck her again, so they went at it again. The guy was pretty happy by now so he runs on home, he ran so fast that the duck got away from him and ran out in front of a car and got hit. The duck was clearly dead, so the lady being in the hurry that she was, gave the young man $25 compensation for the dead duck, then she sped off in her car.

When the two finally got home, the father once again called them into a room and said, How much did you make, looking at his good son. The good son said $10, with a modest look on his face.

Then the dad glared at his other son and said, How about you? The bad son said, well… I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $25 for a fucked up duck!

Next time one of those pushy telemarketing people calls, try one of these responses:

Im sorry, sir, but Im completely filled with fruit and cheese.
OK, Ill take it on the condition that, right now, you bark like a dog for three minutes straight.
I cant make that kind of decision now; Im on my deathbed. (cough, cough)
When you send that registration form to me, do I fill it out in pen, or is human blood OK?
Im too fucking drunk to decide. (vomit noises)
Grandpa? Grandpa, is that you?… But… but… youve been dead for 15 years!
(Japanese accent) Sorry, Im not very interesting.
Really, maam, this is not a good time. Im cold and naked with a plastic bag over my head.
Now will this protection youre offering cover all the children I keep locked up in the basement?
No, sir, you will not solicipitate me!!!

A little kid watched the drunk marine go into the bath room and
as the marine was taking a leak the kid asked, Are you really a
marine? The marine replied, yes, do you want to wear my hat?
The kid said, Oh yes, and the marine gave him his hat.

A minute later a sailor walked into the restroom and the kid
said, Are you really a sailor? The sailor said, Yeah… ya wanta
suck my cock? The kid pulled off his hat and said, Oh no!! Im not
really a marine!

A fellow picks a woman up in a bar and takes her home.

When he takes off his shoes and socks, it is apparent that his toes
have had something dreadful happen to them.. Eeek! says she.
Oh, I used to have toe-lio, says he. You mean polio? No,
toe-lio. So they continue.

When he takes off his pants, his knees look like they have been beaten
with sledge hammers. Eeek! says she. Oh, I used to have the
knee-sles, says he. You mean measles? No, knee-sles. Still
undaunted, they continue.

When he takes off his underpants, she laughs and says, Dont tell
me! Small-cocks!

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks whats wrong.

Ive puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me.

The other drunk says do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned.

Sounds like a great idea says drunk number 1.

When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says look for yourself, theres ten bucks in my shirt pocket.

His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars.

Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you, says the wife.

He did, says the drunk.

But he shit in my pants too.

Squawks are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.



(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION



(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement

(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire



(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough

(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft



(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid

(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal – #1 #3 and #4 propellers

lack normal seepage



(P) Something loose in cockpit

(S) Something tightened in cockpit



(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

(S) Evidence removed



(P) DME volume unbelievably loud

(S) Volume set to more believable level



(P) Dead bugs on windshield

(S) Live bugs on order



(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent

(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground



(P) IFF inoperative

(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

(IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)



(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick

(S) Thats what theyre there for



(P) Number three engine missing

(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search



(P) Aircraft handles funny

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious!



(P) Target Radar hums

(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

A guys driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying Apples – $

5.00 each. He thinks that that is a lot of money so he decides to go see whats up.

He goes up to the farmer and says, Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each? The farmer replies, They are peanut butter and jelly apples. The farmer hands him one and says, Here, try one.

So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, Peanut butter – thats great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples.

The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims son of a gun – jelly! The man says, These apples are great – give me some!

He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign Apples – $10 each. Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, Hey, whats up with these apples?

The farmer says, Theyre ham and cheese apples. Here, try one.

The guy takes a bit and exclaims, Son of a gun – ham! The guy then says, Let me guess – I have to turn it around.

The farmer says You got it. The guy bites the other side and says, Cheese. Again the man says, These apples are great – give me some.

Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says Apples – $50 each. The guy really wants to see whats up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, Whats the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?

The farmer tells him that These apples are pussy apples. Here, try one.

The guy takes a bite out of it and says, Yuck! This apple tastes like shit!

The farmer says, Turn it around!