One evening a girl goes to her father and asks, Dad, can I borrow the car tonight? Her father says yes, but under one condition. The daughter has to give him a blow job.

Wel, the girl really wants the car, so agrees. After a few seconds she says, Dad, your penis taste like shit!

Her father says, Yeah, thats because your brother wanted to borrow the car earlier.

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the help
desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the WordPerfect
organization for termination without cause. This is from the taped
conversation leading up to dismissal:

WordPerfect Technical Desk, may I help you?
Yes, well, Im having trouble with WordPerfect.
What sort of trouble?
Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.
Went away?
They disappeared.
Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
Nothing.
Nothing?
Its blank; it wont accept anything when I type.
Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?
How do I tell?
Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?
Whats a sea-prompt?
Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?
There isnt any cursor: I told you, it wont accept anything I type!
Does your monitor have a power indicator?
Whats a monitor?
Its the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little light that tells you when its on?
I dont know.
Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes
into it. Can you see that?
Yes, I think so.
Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if its plugged into the wall.
…Yes, it is.
When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables
plugged into the back of it, not just one?
No.
Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
…Okay, here it is.
Follow it for me, and tell me if its plugged securely into the back of your
computer.
I cant reach.
Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?
No.
Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?
Oh, its not because I dont have the right angle – its because its dark.
Dark?
Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in through
the window.
Well, turn on the office light then.
I cant.
No? Why not?
Because theres a power outage.
A power… A power outage? Aha, Okay, weve got it licked now. Do you still
have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?
Well, yes, I kept them in the closet.
Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when
you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.
Really? Is it that bad?
Yes, Im afraid it is.
Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
Tell them youre too fucking stupid to own a computer.

Reasons its good to be a man

Movie nudity is virtually always female.

You know stuff about tanks.

Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.

You can open all your own jars.

When clicking through TV channels, you dont have to stall on every shot of someone crying.

Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.

Guys in hockey masks dont attack you.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

You can kill your own food.

The garage is all yours.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

The National College Cheer leading Championship.

If youre 34 and single, nobody notices.

You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest.

You can be President.

Flowers fix everything.

You never have to worry about other peoples feelings.

You get to think about sex 90 percent of your waking hours.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

The world is your urinal.

You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.

You get to jump up and slap stuff.

One mood, all the time.

You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

Same work… more pay.

You dont have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earths population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

You dont cry off others desserts.

If you retain water, its in a canteen.

The remote is yours and yours alone.

People never glance at your chest when youre talking to them.

You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

Bachelor parties beat the shit over bridal showers.

You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

Someday youll be a dirty old man.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.

There is always a game on somewhere.

You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because youre not in the mood.

You think the idea of punting a small cat is funny.

If something mechanical doesnt work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.

Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: So… notice anything different?

Baywatch.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

All your orgasms are real.

Joe Blow the aspiring young executive was late for an
appointment and in the process of doubling the speed limit
in his BMW when a VW beetle pulled out in front of him. He
could not slow down fast enough and slammed into the beetle.
Surprisingly, the BMW was totaled while the beetle was in good
shape. The driver of the compact was amused at the condition
of the two cars.

The exec was so enraged that he had a hard time keeping
from attacking the driver of the VW. The exec drew a large
circle on the ground off to one side.

He said, You get in that circle and stay there, or Im
going to beat the shit out of you! The exec got a tire iron
out of his trunk and smashed the windshield of the beetle.
The man in the circle just smiled. The exec just got madder
and madder. He smashed the headlights and tail lights. When
he looked back, the other man was snickering to himself. This
so infuriated the exec that he smashed in the hood of the
beetle. The other man was laughing so hard that he could
barely stand up.

Unable to stand any more, the frustrated exec tromped away.
About this time a fellow in a pick up truck pulled up and offered
the VW driver a ride. What are you laughing about? He just
trashed your car.

Yeah, the other man replied, but I snuck outside of
that circle three times.

I download something from Napster and the same guy I downloaded it from starts downloading it from me when Im done.

I message him and say: What are you doing? I just got that from you!!!

Getting my song back you fucker!

A modest man is in the hospital for a series of tests. One of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another. He completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possibly face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard.

The security guard asked: Whats going on?

To which the drunk replied: I just beat the shit out of a ghost.

Every time Timmys mom had her boyfriend over, she put Timmy in the closet with his teddy bear.

One day, hearing her husband coming up the stairs, she quickly shoved her boyfriend in with Timmy.

Gee, its mighty dark in here, Timmy said.

Yes, it sure is, replied the boyfriend.

You wanna buy my teddy bear for fifty bucks? asked Timmy.

No way, kid. Youre crazy, said the boyfriend.

Ill scream, said Timmy.

So the boyfriend forked over the money.

The next time Timmys grandmother came to visit, she noticed that her grandson was buying candy, ice cream and comic books.

Where did you get the money for all those things? she asked, but Timmy wouldnt tell her.

Well, if you wont tell me, youll have to go to confession and tell the priest, said Grandma, and dragged Timmy off to the church.

As he entered the gloomy confession booth, Timmy said, Gee, its mighty dark in here.

Are you going to start that shit again? the priest replied.

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits

down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye. He says to him, Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if ask how you got yours?

Other guy: Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident.

See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with huge, huge breasts was there. So, instead of saying Id like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said Id like a picket to Tittsburgh. She socked me one.

First guy: Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties.

But I accidentally said: You ruined my life you fucking bitch!

Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wifes new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

Three nuns were talking.

The first nun said, I was cleaning the Fathers room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!



What did you do? the other nuns asked.



Well, of course I threw them all in the trash.



The second nun said, Well, I can top that. I was in the Fathers room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms.



Oh my, gasped the other nuns. What did you do? they asked.



I poked holes in all of them she replied.



The third nun said, Oh shit.