Johnny, a very bright 5 year old, told his daddy hed like to have a baby brother and, along with his request, offered to do whatever he could to help. His dad, a very bright 35 year old, paused for a moment and then replied, Ill tell you what, Johnny, if you pray every day for two months for a baby brother, I guarantee that God will give you one! Johnny responded eagerly to his dads challenge and went to his bedroom early that night to start praying for a baby brother. He prayed every night for a whole month, but after that time, he began to get skeptical. He checked around the neighborhood and found out that what he thought was going to happen, had never occurred in the history of the neighborhood. You just dont pray for two months and then, whammo- a new baby brother. So, Johnny quit praying. After another month, Johnnys mother went to the hospital. When she came back home, Johnnys parents called him into the bedroom. He cautiously walked into the room, not expecting to find anything, and there was a little bundle lying right next to his mother. His dad pulled back the blanket and there was — not one baby brother, but two!! His mother had twins! Johnnys dad looked down at him and said, Now arent you glad you prayed? Johnny hesitated a little and then looked up at his dad and said, Yes, but arent you glad I quit when I did?

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.

How do you know what to say? he asked.

Why, God tells me.

Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?

How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Four – one to hold the bulb, and three to drink till the room spins!!

Three nuns were talking one sunny day in June.

The first nun said, I was cleaning in Fathers room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!

What did you do? the other nuns asked.

Well, of course I threw them in the trash, she replied.

The second nun said, Well, I can top that. I was in Fathers room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!

Oh my! gasped the other nuns.

What did you do? they asked.

I poked holes in all of them! she replied.

The third nun fainted.

Two orthodox Jews went to Pincus the tailor for new suits. Listen, Pincus, one said, the last suits you made for us were sort of gray. We want black suits, the darkest black cloth that we can get.

See this cloth? Pincus said, fingering a bolt of fabric. This is the stuff they make nuns habits from. There aint no blacker cloth.

A few weeks later, the two men were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, one of the men went up to the nuns and matched his suit against their habits. Becoming angry, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked off.

What did that man want? one nund asked the other.

I dont know, the second replied. He looked at my garment, said something in Latin and left.

What did he say?

He said, Pinkus Fucktus.

New bumper sticker seen on a Florida car: Dont blame me, I voted for both of them.

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, This is a tree. The chief looks at the tree and grunts, Tree. The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, This is a rock. Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, Rock. The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly says, Riding a bike.

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, My bike!

What is the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste!

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He says,What are you doing?

She answers, Im moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!

Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where hes going, he replies…

Im going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!

Whats the difference between a mans paycheck and his dick?

He can always find a girl to blow his paycheck!