A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.

Tim, you be first, she said. What does your father do all day?

Tim stood up and proudly said, He is a doctor.

That is wonderful. How about you, Sarah?

Sarah shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, My father is a mailman.

Thank you, Sarah, said the teacher. What about your father, Billy?

Billy proudly stood up and announced, My daddy plays the piano in a whore
house.

The teacher was horrified and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later
that day she went to Billys house and rang the bell. Billys father answered
the door. The teacher repeated what his son had said and demanded an
explanation.

Billys father said, Well, I am actually a lawyer. But can I explain a thing
like that to a seven-year-old boy?

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.

One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk to his office. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone!. He motioned the man in, all the while saying, No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I wont settle this case for less than $1 million. Yes. The appeals court has agreed to hear that case next week. Ill be handling the primary argument, and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that Ill meet with him next week to discuss the details.

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while, the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.

Im sorry for the delay, he said, but as you can see, Im very busy. What can I do for you?

The man replied, Im from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone.

Two men from Canada were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something. The first man says to the other, If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you. After about three hours, the second man finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo. The next morning, the first man finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the first man if he did what he told him to do. The man answers, Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows.

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted its tail and kissed it where the sun dont shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing.

Whatya do that fer? he asked.

Got chapped lips, the cowboy replied.

The old man asked, Does that help?

The cowboy said, No, but it keeps me from lickin em.

A Polak saw a priest walking down the street. Noticing his collar, he stopped him and said, Excuse me, but why are you wearing your shirt backwards?

The priest laughed, Because, my son, I am a Father!

The Polak scratched his head. But I am a father too, and I dont wear my shirt backwards!

Again the priest laughed. But I am a Father of thousands!

To which the Polak replied, Well then you should wear your shorts backwards!

Yo Mommas so fat that even Richard Simmons makes fun of her!!!!

She went to her doctor, Dr. Smith, and questioned him about implants. He explained that, before doing anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of patients. Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say, Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies, he tells her. She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed. One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies. The man standing next to her says, You go to Dr. Smith? Yes, she said, how did you know? He replies Hickory dickory dock!

Hilary is not feeling well. She goes to her doctor and gets a complete physical, only to find out that she is pregnant. She is furious and cant believe this has happened.

She calls the White House and gets Bill on the phone, and immediately begins to berate him, screaming:



How could you have let this happen? With all of the trouble going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!!! How could you???!!!



I just found out I am pregnant and it is your fault!!! How could you??? What have you got to say???



There is nothing but silence on the phone. She screams again: CAN YOU HEAR ME???



Bills quiet voice comes on in a barely audible whisper…Who is this???

During a traffic stop a police officer is swatting at a fly that is circling around his head, and blurts out what kind of damn fly is that anyhow. The traffic offender replies, thats a circle fly. The officer replies that hes never heard of a circle fly. The offender replies circle flies are usually found circling around a horses ass. Enraged, the police officer says, are you calling me a horses ass?, to which the traffic offender replied, no sir, but you cant fool a circle fly.

Is awarded to:





Bobby





In recognition of your obnoxious attitude, ability to piss people off, complete



asinine juvenile behavior and total dedication to personal gain without regard



to the many hardships you have forced upon friends, family and other during your



lifetime, you have become a legend in your own mind.



To recognize your upgrade from half-assed to complete asshole, gives all



concerned great satisfaction. If anyone, for any reason, doubts your status,



JUST BE YOURSELF!