A stoner is walking down a street one night after he just got done blazing up a spliff. As hes walking, he spots this old guy in a ditch who looks like he got the crap kicked out of him. All bloody and mangled, the dude calls the stoner over to him and says, Call me an ambulance. The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says Okay dude,youre an ambulance.

If God had wanted people to be gay… he wouldve made Adam & Steve instead of Adam & Eve.

Rednecks Ode to a Valentine

Kudzu is green. My Dogs name is Blue. And Im so danged lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk, A-flappin in the breeze. Softer than Blues And without all them fleas. You move like the bass which excite me in May. You aint got no scales But I luv you anyway. Yore as graceful as okry jist a-dancin in the pan. Yore as fragrant as Mountain Dew Right out of the can. You have all yore teeth For which I am proud. I hold my head high When wes in a crowd. On special occasions, When you shave yore armpits, Well Im in hawg heaven. Im plumb out of my wits. And speakin of wits, You got plenty fer shore. Cuz you are my woman. I cant ask fer more. Like a good roll of Duct Tape Yore there for yore man To patch up lifes toubles And stick em in the can. Yore as strong as a four-wheeler Racin through the mud. Yet fragile as that singer Named Naomi Judd. Yore as cute as a Junebug A-buzzin overhead. You aint mean like no far ant On which I oft treat. Cut from the best pattern Like a flannel shirt of plaid, You sparked up my life Like my Rattletrap Shad. (A fishing lure.) When you hold me real tight Like a padded gunrack, My life is complete. There aint nothin I lack. Yore complexions perfection Like the best vinly sidin, Despite all the years, Yore age, it keeps hidin. And when you get old Like a 57 Chevy, I wont put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy. Me n yous like a Moon Pie with a cold RC drank. We go together Like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate For Valentines Day. They git it at Wal-Mart. Its romatic that way. Some men, they git roses On that special day From a coller at Food World. Thats impressive, I say. Some men buy fine diamonds From a flea market booth. A diamonds forever, They explain, suave and couth. But for this feller, honey, These will not do. For you are too special, You old sweet thang, you. I got you a gift without taste nor odor. Better than diamonds, its a new trollin motor.

Rules For Work: (Should go over well with your boss.)

Print it out and hang it over your work station…I dare ya!



1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.



2. If its really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how its going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.



3. Always leave without telling anyone where youre going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.



4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, dont open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.



5. If you give me more than one job to do, dont tell me which is priority. I am psychic.



6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.



7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.



8. If you dont like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.



9. If you have special instructions for a job, dont write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.



10. Never introduce me to the people youre with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.



11. Be nice to me only when the job Im doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers hell.



12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and its nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.



13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. Im not here for the money anyway.

I wish I knew who came up with this one! I skewers elements of the famous San Francisco culture…

Zelda and Jane were given a rottweiler at their commitment ceremony. If their dog needs to be walked two miles a day and they walk at a rate of 3/4 mile per hour, how much time will they spend discussing their relationship in public?

Michael has two abusive stepfathers and an alcoholic mother. If his self-esteem is reduced by 20% per dysfunctional parent, but Michael feels 3% better for every person he denigrates, how long will it take before hes ready to go home if 1 person walks by the cafe every 2 minutes?

Sanjeev has 7 piercings. If the likelihood of getting cellulitis on any given day is 10% per piercing, what is the likelihood Sanjeev will need to renew his erythromycin prescription during the next week?

Chad wants to take half a pound of pot to Orinda and sell it at a 20% profit. If it originally cost him $1,500 in food stamps, how much should Nicole write the check for?

The City and County of San Francisco decide to destroy 50 rats infesting downtown. If 9,800 animal rights activists hold a candlelight vigil, how many people did each dead rat empower?

A red sock, a yellow sock, a blue sock, and a white sock are tossed randomly in a drawer. What is the likelihood that the first two socks drawn will be socks of color?

George weighs 245 pounds and drinks two triple lattes every morning. If each shot of espresso contains 490mg of caffeine, what is Georges average caffeine density in mg/pound?

There are 4500 homes in Mill Valley and all of them recycle plastic. If each household recycles 10 soda bottles a day and buys one polar fleece pullover per month, does Mill Valley have a monthly plastic surplus or deficit?
Bonus question: Assuming all the plastic bottles are 1 liter size, how much Evian are they drinking?

If the average person can eat one pork pot sticker in 30 seconds, and the waitress brings a platter of 12 pot stickers, how long will it take five vegans to not eat them?

Todd begins walking down Market Street with 12 $1 bills in his wallet. If he always gives panhandlers a single buck, how many legs did he have to step over if he has $3 left when he reaches the other end and met only one double-amputee?

Advanced Placement Students Only:

Katie, Trip, Ling, John-John and Effie share a three-bedroom apartment on Guerrero for $2400 a month. Effie and Trip can share one bedroom, but the other three need their own rooms with separate ISDN lines to run their web servers. None of them wants to use the futon in the living room as a bed, and they each want to save $650 in three months to attend Burning Man.

What is their best option:

All five roommates accept a $12/hour job-share as handgun monitors at Mission High.
Ask Miles, the bisexual auto mechanic, to share Effie and Trips bedroom for $500/month.
Petition the Board of Supervisors to advance Ling her annual digital-artists-of-color stipend.
Rent strike

A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love. The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her. She wants more and they do it again. She still wants more and the guy says Excuse me a minute I have to relieve myself.

While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat. He asks the guy Look, Ive got this gal in my car and Ive given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. Ill change your flat if youll take over for me.

The guy does and is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks Whatre you doing in there?

The guy say Im making love to my wife.

The cop asks Why dont you do that at home?

The guy answers To tell you the truth, I didnt know it was my wife until you shined the light on her.

When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming traffic to pass.
Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.
The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.
Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.
Always look both ways when running a red light.
Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in.
Making eye contact revokes your right of way.
Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps into the road, speed up, honk or yell obscenities loudly and chase him back upon the curb. Pedestrians have no rights.

A little boy is leaving school at the end of the day. As he strolls along the
sidewalk, a car pulls up to the curb, and a man winds down the window.

Hey, kid, Ive got candy in my car. Hop in and Ill give it to you.

No. Im not going to. The boy walks on. Further down the road, the car
pulls over again.

Hey there kid, if you get in my car, Ill give you all this candy, and a big
bottle of cola. How about it?

No way! Now leave me alone! The boy walks on, quickening his pace. The
car again pulls over beside him.

Look, kid, Ive got a puppy at home youd love to see. Get in and Ill take
you there. You can have all the candy and the cola on the way. What dyou
say to that?

The boy is getting agitated. He stops walking, and leans down to the car
window.

Look, I dont care what you promise me Dad. Im NOT riding in your Lada!

• This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 6 to 8 inches long.
• The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes.
• Is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action.
• It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other.
• In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.
• Anyone found listening in will most surely recognise the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements.
• When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft.
• After everything is ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.

What am I?

As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other than your very own – toothbrush!

A little boy who is entering fourth grade came home and told his mother with great excitement: This year we get As and Bs and Cs!

His mother reminded him that last year his teacher gave As and Bs and Cs, so getting letter grades is nothing new.



No, Mom, the little boy said. Last year I only got As.