Q: How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?

A: wave at him.

Stage 1 – SMART



This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.



Stage 2 – GOOD LOOKING



This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.



Stage 3 – RICH



This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesnt matter how much you bet cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.



Stage 4 – BULLET PROOF



You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, youre BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!



Stage 5 – INVISIBLE



This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because youre still SMART you know all the words.

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.

The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?

I sure did, responded his friend. He cant swim.

Santa Singh came to New Delhi and wanted to do shopping at Janpath. His delhiite friend told him that the prices are usually hiked up and he should bargain for half the price.
Santa Singh went and asked the price of stereo for which the vendor told 2000 Rs.
Santa Singh asked for Rs.1000.vendor told he can give the stereo for Rs.1800 for which Santa Singh told no,no only Rs.900.
Vendor said ok, i will give it for 1500 Rs and our Santa Singh bargained for Rs.750.

It was going on like this when finally vendor out of irritation and thinking that this stupid Sardar is not going to buy anything. He is just wasting my time. He said he will give the stereo for free.
Santa asked whether he will give two.
Vendor now realising that the sardar is out to have some fun and really not interested in buying anything. Vendor agreed.
Santa said now he wants to have the whole shop.

I met this beautiful girl last night. She invited me back to her place and we had the greatest steamiest sex ever. Actually, it wasnt really the greatest sex ever, it was more like medium-great sex, and well, she didnt exactly invite me back to her place, I sort of followed her to a McDonalds.

To be factual, we didnt actually have sex per se, but we came very very close. You see we were fondling each other pretty intensely … well, actually, I was fondling her, she wasnt fondling me … well, really, I wasnt so much fondling per se, our bodies just got very close together. To be honest, I just sort of brushed into her while we were both in line.

Accidentally. But it was great, really hot and sensual you know?

Actually, to be specific, it wasnt really her that I brushed into, it was really the back of the chair she sat down in. Although, the chair was on the other side the room you see. And I was sort of leaning my own chair on the opposite wall. We were connecting and all though!

And we did make eye contact several times. Well, not eye contact exactly. She sort of caught me staring at her, got that frightened lil bird look in her eyes, and got up and ran out of the place.

I would have caught up with her too, had she not flagged down that Police car. I fail to see how all this constitutes stalking though. I mean, come on, give me a break here.

But anyway, wow! What a night. What a night. If all goes well here, I should be making my next post on my further adventures in 90-120 days; the delay will be up to the Judge, I guess.

A comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he was a married man.

Oh, sweetie, she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, isnt there some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?

Taking her by the shoulders, the lawyer proceeded to scold her for her lack of discretion and good judgment. Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms – is that really what you want for us?

No … no … she sobbed, heartsick.

Oh, said the lawyer, Well, it was just a suggestion.

A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, Who is the guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?

Thats your father.



Then whos that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?

One day wee jordy was out walking with his lass in the fields of scotland,

while walking through the heather the lass says;

ah wee jordy i can tell you want to hold my hand!

wee jordy says aye lass that i do, but how can you tell?

Well she says i can tell by the gleam in your eye.

Walking along a bit further she says to him wee jordy i can tell you want

to give me a kiss.

well I lass that i do, but how can you tell?

ah wee jordy, i can tell by the gleam in your eye!

Walking along a bit further she says wee jordy i can tell you want to

make love to me.

he says, aye lass that i do! you can tell by the gleam in my eye!

No! she says… by the tilt in your kilt!

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you dont do the following, your husband will surely die.

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Dont burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Dont discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, you should satisfy his every whim sexually several times a week.

If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. What did the doctor say?

Youre going to die, she replied.

An Auburn student spent a holiday in New Mexico with Native Americans who told him the Legend of the Maidens.
The tale went this way: There are beautiful maidens who live in the cracks and crevices in this valley. If you hear them call, Woo Woo, take off your clothes quickly and enter the cave. They will show you a fabulous time! Several days later, the headlines in the local newspaper read: Body of Naked Auburn Student found in Tunnel, Run Over by Train.