Dear Sir Mix-A-Lot:

I am an elderly woman who lives alone. There are no senior centers in my area, and I live on a fixed income. I would love to get out and meet more people, but there seem to be very few options for someone my age. Is there some social outlet I dont know about?

— Lonely In Laramie

Dear Lonely,

Kick it, lick it, watch where I stick it

Face down while I punch your ticket

Ride my king cobra round the world

Wanna do ya girl

Want ya pettin my big black cat

Blackberry jam dont shake like that

If your bootys extra-large, Ill bring the funk

Wanna see some extra luggage in the trunk.

Dear Sir Mix-A-Lot:

I am preparing an elegant dinner party for the holidays with approximately 30 guests. Many on the guest list have made special requests regarding next to whom they wish to be seated. Is it my job to accommodate as many requests as possible, or is my time better spent on the other details of the party?

— Baffled In Baldwin

Dear Baffled,

Drop em and shake it, girl, ya wont break it

Leave enough for me to take it

Mix likes to get down and make it

When the girl is large and naked

Talkin bout a booty with meat on the bones

Two scoops of chocolate, hold the cones

Wanna hit your pleasure zone

Mix-A-Lot gonna make you moan.

Dear Sir Mix-A-Lot:

If you ask me, your response to Torn In Tuscaloosa was way off the mark. If her boyfriend doesnt want to get off the couch and start working for a living, hes nothing but a no-good, selfish moocher. That girl should drop him like a hot potato!

— Peeved In Peekskill

Dear Peeved,

Whos afraid of my big bad weenie

Rub it and see if its got a genie

Gonna make disappear this 10-inch zucchini

Just like Houdini

M-I-X to the A-L-O-T rappin

Wanna see yo butt cheeks flappin

Mix want the honeys with the big back doors

So drop them drawers, whores. Unh.

A husband and a wife were out enjoying a round of golf about to tee off on the third hole which was lined with beautiful homes.



The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. The ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened.



When they peeked inside the house they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.



The wife said, do you live here?



No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful, he answered.



The wife said, are you a genie?



Oh, why yes i am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself, the man replied.



The husband and wife agreed on two wishes… one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever. The genie nodded and said, done!



The genie now said, for my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire.



The husband and wife agreed.



After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, How long have you been married? to which she responded, Three years. The genie then asked, How old is your husband? to which she responded, 31 years old.



The genie then asked, How long has he believed in this genie stuff?

There were three guys stuck on an island. On of them found a lamp and rubbed it. Out came a genie. He said for freeing me Ill grant you each a wish.

The first guy said I wish I were 25% smarter. So poof! He was 25% smater built a raft and got off the island.

The nex guy said I wish I were 50% smarter. So poof! He was 50% smater built a canoe and got off the island.

The last guy said I wish I were 100% smarter. So poof! He was 100% turned into a girl and walked across the bridge!!

Walking along the beach, John tripped over a half-buried kerosene
lantern. He rubbed its side and sure enough, a genie materialized.

I cant grant your wishes, explained the freed spirit, But Ill
give you three gifts for releasing me: a potion to cure ill health, a
very large diamond, and a dinner date with a famous movie star. By
tomorrow afternoon, you will have received all these gifts.

When John returned home from work the next evening, he excitedly
asked his mother if anything had been delivered.

Yes, she replied. Its been an unusual day. At 2 pm, a 55 gallon
drum of chicken soup arrived. About a half-hour later, a telegram came
saying that a long-lost relative had left you a minor-league baseball
stadium. Ten minutes ago, MGM called, inviting you to dinner with Lassie
tonight.

Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boats provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, Make the entire ocean into beer! The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.



Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.



One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: Nice going idiot! Now were going to have to piss in the boat!

A liberal came upon a genie and said, Youre a genie. Can you grant
me three wishes?

The genie replied, Yes, but only if youre feeling generous enough to
share your good fortune.

The liberal said, Im a liberal. Im always happy to share.

The genie said, Okay, then, whatever you wish for, Ill give every
conservative in the country two of it. Whats your first wish?

I would like a new sports car.

Okay, youve got it, and every conservative in the country gets two
sports cars. Whats your second wish?

Id like a million dollars.

Okay, you get a million dollars, every conservative gets two million
dollars. Whats your third and final wish?

Well, Ive always wanted to donate a kidney.

A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said OK, OK. You released me from the lamp. This is the fourth time this month and Im getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, Ive always wanted to go to Hawaii but Im scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit? The genie laughed and said, Thats impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete… how much steel! No. Think of another wish. The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, Ive been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I dont care and that Im insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women… know how they feel inside and what theyre thinking when they give me the silent treatment… know why theyre crying, know what they really want when they say nothing… know how to make them truly happy… The genie said, You want that bridge two lanes or four?

A man is walking along the beach when he trips over something in the sand.



Upon examination, he sees that its a genies lamp. He eagerly rubs the lamp and out pops a genie who says, I am the genie of the lamp. I have been trapped in this lamp for 1,000 years. For setting me free I will grant you one wish.



The man thought and thought. Finally, he pulled out a map and said, Its been my goal in life to do something for mankind for which everyone else will remember me. You see this region here on the map? Its called the Middle East and its a very violent region. I realize I could wish for a lot of money, or fame, but Id like to use this wish for peace in the Middle East.



The genie looked disappointed. He said, Im sorry sir, but I cant grant that wish. The people of that region have been fighting for thousands of years. The wars go back many, many generations. The religious battles and opinions run rampant in that area. Boundary disputes are constantly occurring. Violence and hatred is too far engrained into this part of the world for even one of my wishes to do any good.



Im sorry, but I just cant do that. Have you another wish?



Well, said the man. If I cant do that for mankind, perhaps I can do this for men. I would like to understand how women work. What makes them laugh? What makes them cry? What affects their emotions? How do I make them happy? Why do they do the things they do? I wish I could fully understand women.



The genie replied, let me see that map again.

John comes home from holidays and almost immediately has another confrontation with his neighbour and long time enemy.



Later, inside and unpacking, he finds a bottle he didnt remember buying. Still it looks good so he gives it polish . . ., and whoosh, out comes a genie.





Oh holder of the bottle, I grant thee three wishes; but be warned that what you wish for is granted doubly to your greatest enemy.





Well I wish my last girlfriend would come back and be in love with me again asks John for his first wish. Hearing his name being called from the next room tells him shes back. John looks out his window and sees his neighbour with two women clearly besotted with him.





For my second wish, I want a big mansion says John who goes outside and sees his house has grown into a mansion. The neighbours house being a mansion twice as big.





At this stage the genie reminds him that his enemy will still get double for the third and final wish.





Then for my third wish, I want . . . I want you to remove one of my testicles.

Three Wishes

This guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when poof a genie appeared.

This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.

I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, says the guy. The genie wasnt sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp he learned that Bill Gates was indeed the richest man in the world.

Guy, the genie said, You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. Whats your second wish.

Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile.

Thats easy, Guy, says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.

The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl– nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy couldnt think of what he wanted to use his final wish for.

Genie, the guy said, I cant think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later.

Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I cant escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when youre ready, and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.

The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears.

After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio.

Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener ….