These laws were given to me by an old friend who carried has them around in his golf bag for, judging by the age of the paper (and his golf bag), decades. True golfers should understand the words layed out here.



LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and, eventually, a lifetime.



LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.



LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.



LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.



LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant You looked up, or invoke the wrath of the universe.



LAW 6: The higher a golfers handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instuctor.



LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.



LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.



LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.



LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isnt, how do you explain the way it works against you?



LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.



LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.



LAW 13: All 3-woods are domon-possessed.



LAW 14: Golf balls from the same sleeve tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)



LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.



LAW 16: Nice lag can usually be translated to lousy putt. Similarly, tough break can usually be translated way to miss an easy one, sucker.



LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.



LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.



LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.



LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

Beverly had decided that she would learn to play golf, so she signed
up for and took lessons. After six months of diligent effort she was
ready to play eighteen holes with three of her friends.

Out on the course she was stung by a bee. Fearing an allergic reaction
she hurried back to the clubhouse to find the pro.

Ive been stung by a bee! What shall I do?

Where were you stung?

Between the first and second hole!

Beverly, we need to work on your stance…

• Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
  

• You ski uphill.
  

• You get a speeding ticket even when youre parked.
  

• You speed walk in your sleep.
  

• You answer the door before people knock.
  

• You havent blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
  

• You just completed another sweater and you dont know how to knit.
  

• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  

• Jai alai plays as slow as a seniors golf tournament to you.
  

• You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
  

• You sleep with your eyes open.
  

• You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without
  using the timer.
  

• You listen to speed metal to relax.
  

• Youve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
  

• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  

• You chew on other peoples fingernails.
  

• The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
  

• Youre so jittery people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
  

• You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
  

• You can jump start your car without cables.
  

• Cocaine is a downer.
  

• You dont need a hammer to pound in nails.
  

• Your only source of nutrition comes from sweet & low.
  

• You buy milk by the barrel.
  

• You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
  

• You walk twenty miles on the treadmill before realizing its
  not plugged in.
  

• You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  

• Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
  

• People get dizzy just watching you.
  

• The Tasters Choice couple wants to adopt you.
  

• Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
  

• Youve melted away your fillings.
  

• People can test their batteries in you ears.
  

• Your face is on a Colombian postage stamp.
  

• Your lifes goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
  

• Lightning strikes you and it gets perked up.
  

• Commodity traders use you to predict the world coffee market.
  

• Instant coffee takes too long.
  

• You channel surf faster without the remote.
  

• Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
  

• You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
  

• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  

• You ride an exercise bike to work.
  

• You can outlast the energizer bunny.
  

• You short out motion detectors.
  

• You dont even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  

• You can play ping pong without a partner.
  

• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
  

• Your blood type is c8-h10-n4-o2.
  

• You made provisions in your will for your coffee supply.
  

• You tear open bean bags just to make sure.
  

• You use coffee flavored mouthwash.
  

• You constantly speak like an auctioneer.
  

• Your children dont come near you until youve had your
  first cup.
  

• The stewardess hands you the whole pot.
  

• You have coffee stains on your fingers.
  

• You meditate while listening to your natural sounds of
  coffee brewing CD.
  

• The Betty Ford clinic opened a coffee ward just for you.
  

• You had to remove your car stereo to make room for your
  cup holder.
  

• You carry a spare mug in your trunk.
  

• You lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of
  iced coffee to get you in the mood.
  

• You help your dog chase its tail.
  

• You coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
  

• Without you, the US would not be the worlds leading coffee consumer.
  

• You think CPR stands for coffee provides resuscitation.
  

Q: These days, what do you need to shoot to win a professional golf tournament? A: Tiger Woods.