This is a variation on another posted joke entitled, Mistaken Identity.

Brochstein walks up to a man in the street, taps him on the shoulder and when the man turns, he sends him sprawling to the ground with a solid zetz to the nose. He then says, take that, Rosenzweig, you lousy mamzer!! The victim replies, You think youre such a big man huh? Well, I bet you arent man enough to hit me again. Brochstein then lands an even more powerful blow. The victim says come on you feigele, lets see if you are man enough to really beat me up!

Brochstein gives the fellow a frightful thrashing and with his last ounce of stregnth, after being pummeled, the bleeding victim giggles and then manages to laugh even more heartily. Brochstein looks at him quizically and the beaten man somehow summons the effort to whisper to Brochstein, The joke is on you, Im not Rosenzweig, Im Horowowitz!

How can you tell the car of the Southern Jewish cousin in a synagogue parking lot during a NY Bar Mitzvah?

Its the Cadillac with the gun rack.

A n old lady who speaks no English, only Yiddish, goes into a department store looking to buy some baby powder. She cant find any –


but suddenly spots a sales clerk wearing a kippa. Yunger mann, kum aher she calls .Vu fint mn der bebbe pooder?


The sales clerk responds –Ich vil ihr veizen vu tsu geyen – ober ihr muz geyen punkt azoy vi ich key , nor vi ich gey – nisht andres. Kum noch mir un ich vil ihr veisen vu tsu geyen. And he starts down the aisle with the old lady following. him.


Now — this clerk happens to be very bow-legged, very noticeably bow-legged.


When the old lady spots his bowed legs, she lets out a gshrey — Ven ich ken azoy geyen, volt ich nisht gedaft kein bebbe pooder!

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, So, whos gonna tell his wife? They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, dont make a bad situation any worse. Discreet? Im the most discreet person youll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me. Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers thru the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares: Your husband just lost $500 in a Poker game and is afraid to come home. Tell him to drop dead! yells the wife. Ill go tell him. says Goldberg.

A Texan is visiting Israel, and feeling thirsty, he stops at a house along the road. Can you give me a drink of water? asks the Texan.

Of course, says the Israeli, and invites the Texan to come in.

What do you do? says the Texan.I raise a few chickens, says the Israeli.

Really? says the Texan. Im also a farmer. How much land do you have?

Well, says the Israeli, out front its fifty meters, as you can see, and in the back we have close to a hundred meters of property. And what about your place?

Well, says the Texan, on my ranch, I have breakfast and get into the car, and I drive and drive…and I dont reach the end of the ranch until dinnertime.

Really, replies the Israeli. I used to have a car like that.

A Priest and a Rabbi are riding in a plane.

After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?

The Rabbi says, Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.

The Priest then asks, Have you ever eaten pork? To which the Rabbi replies, Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork. The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

Later during the flight, the Rabbi asked the Priest, Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?

The Priest replied, Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.

The Rabbi then asked him, Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?

The Priest replied, Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.

The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, A lot better than pork isnt it?

One day, two bees are buzzing around whats left of a rose bush.

Hows your summer been? asks bee number one.

Not too good, says bee two. Lotta rain, lotta cold. There arent


enough flowers, therefore not enough pollen.

The first bee has an idea. Hey, why dont you go down to the corner and


hang a left? Theres a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and


fruit.

Bee two buzzes, Thanks! and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into


each other again.

How was the bar mitzvah? asks the first bee.

Great! replies the second.

The first bee, however, notices a small circle on his friends head, and


inquires, Whats that on your head?

A yarmulke, is the answer. I didnt want them to think I was a Wasp.

Morris calls his son in NY and says, Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I dont want to discuss it. Im merely telling you because youre my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. Ive made up my mind, Im divorcing Mama.

The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.

I dont want to get into it. My mind is made up.

But Dad, you just cant decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?

Its too painful to talk about it. I only called because youre my son, and I thought you should know. I really dont want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain.

But wheres Mama? Can I talk to her?

No, I dont want you to say anything to her about it. I havent told her yet. Believe me it hasnt been easy. Ive agonized over it for several days, and Ive finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow.

Dad, dont do anything rash. Im going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you wont do anything until I get there.

Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. Ill hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just cant bear to talk about it anymore.

A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.

Benny told me that you dont want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you wont do anything until we both get there.

Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here for Rosh Hashanah.

mr cohen was a jewish g-dfearing man who always trusted Hashem.one day his house went on fire while he was sleeping.he woke up to see a fireman inside the burning building and the fireman said come with me and you will be safe


no said mr cohen hHashem will save me.


the fireman left.then a helicopter comes along and a man steps out and said come with us to saftey.


no said mr cohen Hashem will save me.away goes the helicopter.


then a crane comes along and a man says come with us.


no said mr cohen Hashem will save me.


mr cohen dies and goes to heaven and he asks Hashem.


why did i die i was the only one who trusted you.


and hhHashem said i sent you everything i could to help you what more do you want?

what is the diffrence between a jew and a cheese pizza?

the chees pizza doesnt scream when you put it in the oven.