A group of Jewish American Tourist are in London and on their itinary is listed a visit to Blooms Kosher Restaurant in Golders Green.

After being seated at the table they are served by a Chinese Waiter, who conducts the whole conversation in Yiddish.

After the meal and just before they are about to leave, they are confronted by the owner, Mr. Bloom, who asks them if they enjoyed the meal.

The leader of the group states that they were well satisfied by the food and service, but were amazed that the waiter only spoke in yiddish.

Mr. Bloom placed the index finger of his right hand to his lips and said Shush, he thinks hes speaking in English!!

Miriam, an elderly lady, goes up to a man at a bus stop in Finchley in north west London.

She tugs on the sleeve of his coat and asks, Farshtayn Yiddish? The man answers, Yes, Ich Farshtay.

Miriam then says, Vot Time is It?

Irving can?t seem to find the right girl, so his mother hires a matchmaker. The matchmaker tells him, ?I think I have the perfect girl for you. She?s descended from royalty, she?s a multi-millionaire, she has a Ph.D. in quantum mechanics, she?s a beauty contest winner, an Olympic athlete, and a world-class cook. She?s got a villa in Spain and a fleet of yachts. She?s also got the nicest personality of anyone you?ve ever met. But there?s one problem: she?s not Jewish.?


Irving says, ?My mother will never go for it.? The matchmaker says, ?Leave it to me.?


And so she starts going to work on the mother. At first, the mother says ?Absolutely not.? She refuses even to hear of it, and throws the matchmaker out of the house. Over many weeks, however, the matchmaker wears down her resistance. The matchmaker points out all the advantages that the match has for her son, and how unlikely it is that he will ever get another such opportunity. The matchmaker also points out, ?Look, Mrs. Mandelbaum, I don?t mean to speak out of turn, but your boy Irving isn?t getting any younger. To tell you the truth, he?s not so good looking, he doesn?t have a good job, he?s out of shape, he?s scrawny, he?s short, he?s not too bright, he?s still living with his mother, and he?s not exactly irresistible. Let me tell you, this is the best we?re going to get. It may be your son?s last chance. Are you really going to stand in the way of your son?s happiness??


The son chimes in too: ?Look, Ma, I?ve tried and I?ve tried, and I?ve gotten nowhere. This is the only chance I have. I don?t want to be a lonely old man. Please let me do it!?


Tearfully, the mother finally gives in and agrees to the match.


The matchmaker claps her hands together and says, ?Great! Now half my work is done!?

There was a little piece of Jewish cheese


and when he gave a big Jewish sneeze


he fell over and couldnt get back up


Then one day he saw a piece of Jewish clay


and deseided to make himself Jewish legs


when he was done he went to John


and said Im not finished

An ultra Orthodox couple met their rabbi at their temple to consult their upcoming wedding. they had one problem that they needed to ask the rabbi about.


Rabbi, said the man, my fiance and I really want to dance together at our celebration, can we?


Absolutely not! replied the rabbi The men and women have to dance seperately to be modest and dignified!


Fine, says the woman. Then a huge question comes up on her mind. Can we have sex?


Absolutely, says the rabbi, reproduction is a mitzvah!


Even before marriage? says the man.


Its all a mitzvah.


Woman on top?


A mitzvah.


On the kitchen table?


It still doesnt change the fact that its a mitzvah, so go right ahead.


How about standing up?


ABSOLUTELY NOT! yells the rabbi.


Why? both partners ask?


Could lead to dancing.

the president has flown in from texas for an important discussion with the israeli president who is a jew.


the israeli president asks,would u like some local food?


mr bush accepts and drinks the manischewitz wine


Bush then offers,hey would u like a hotdog made from the finest pork products in america?

A young, single man, having no family, often ate at a restaurant in the center of the city of Chelm. He knew the owner Moishe and he ate there regularly. The only other restaurant in Chelm, Chaims, was located directly across the street from Moishes.

One day, the young man went to eat at Chaims and when Moishe saw what happened, he was totally distraught. He said, how can you not eat at my place? Are we not like family? The young man replied that indeed they were.

Moishe asked,Isnt my food good? The young man replied that the food was delicious and that the portions were exceedingly generous. Moishe then asked, so why did you go eat at Chaims restaurant on the other side of the street?

The young man replied that he had terrible toothache on his molar on the far left side of his mouth. He was told that the intinerant dentist would not be in town for another week. Therefore, the young man explained to Moishe, I went to the Rabbi and asked what to do to ease the pain. The Rabbi replied, eat on the other side, so, I went to the other side and ate at Chaims.

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurance in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.

Ive just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure! the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, Bring him in. Well check it out.

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. You were right about both the mummys age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?

Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, 10,000 Shekels on Goliath.

As the midwinter flight completes is descent into Tel Aviv, the flight crew announces, Ladies and Gentelmen, we ask that you remain seated until the plane has come to a complete stop, and the pilot turns off the seatbelt sign.


And to those of you who are still seated, Merry Christmas.

A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing. The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.

Yes, replied the Chinese man, Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too.

The Jewish man replied, Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old.

The Chinese man was incredulous, Thats impossible, he replied. Where did your people eat for a thousand years?