Rabinowitz is coming back to Israel. The customs officer asks him what he has in his heavy suitcase and Rabinowitz responds: Bird-feed for my parrot. The officer is still suspicious and opens it. Its all coffee! Didnt you say it was bird-feed for my parrot? asks the officer. Rabinowitz responds: If she doesnt eat it, thats her problem.

An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his friend and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.

No, his friend said, its named for Fredrick Mann, from Philadelphia.

Really? Ive never heard of him. What did he write?

A check.

A Rabbi was opening his mail one morning.

Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: shmuck

At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced: I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and forgot to write a letter.

One day, Chaim was walking down the street when who did he see driving a brand new Chevrolet? Moishe. Moishe pulled up to him with a wide


smile.

Moishe, where did you get that car? Chaim asked.


Rochel gave it to me.


She gave it to you? I knew she was sweet on you, but this?


Well, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on county road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Rochel pulled off the road into the woods. She parked, got out of the car, threw off all her clothes and said, Moishe take whatever you want. So I took the car.

Moishe, youre a smart man, them clothes never would have fit you.

For those of you who have children and dont know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss

Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All who wish to become Little Mothers, please see the rabbi in his private study

The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at JCC. Please use the double door at side entrance

The Mens Club is warmly invited to an oneg hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.

We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you

10. G-d worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because he knew men would never ask directions.

9. G-d knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men dont want to see whats on television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on television.

8. G-d knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.

7. G-d knew that Adam would never make a doctors appointment for himself.

6. G-d knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

5. G-d knew that if the world was to be populated there would have to be someone to bear them, because men would never be able to handle it.

4. As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when G-d caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone. He only ends up getting himself in trouble.

1. When G-d finished the creation of Adam, he stepped back, scratched his head and said, I can do better than that.

*before you read this falaphel can also mean the pendants on an isreali soldiers uniform

There are two isrealis in the front of a car and an american in the back. One israeli says two the other look at that man and his falaphels.

So the american says falaphels, where i am hungry

A guy buys a new Lamborghini sportscar and goes to his Orthodox rabbi to ask him to bless a mezuzah for the car.

What is a Lamborghini? asks the rabbi and when the guy explains, the rabbi says No way am I


blessing a mezuzah for such an extravagance!

So the guy finds a Conservative rabbi and makes the same request. What is a Lamborghini?


the rabbi asks and hearing the explanation, also refuses to give his blessing.

So finally the guy goes to a Reform rabbi with his request.

Sure! says the rabbi, but whats a mezuzah?

there was a jewish guy an asian guy and an aussie in an airoeplane that was about to crash. the needed to get rid of as much weight as possible so the jewish guy chuks some bread out the window and says we jewish people have got enough of this and the asain guy chuked a tamagotchi out and said my people have enough of these so then the aussie threw the asian guy out the window and said we have way to may of these in australia

A lady approaches her rabbi and tells him, Rabbi, I have


a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only


know how to say one thing.

What do they say? the rabbi inquired.

They only know how to say, Hi, were prostitutes. Want


to have some fun?

Thats terrible! the rabbi exclaimed, but I have a


solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots


over to my house and I will put them with my two male


talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read Hebrew.


My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that


terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise


and worship.

Thank you! the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the rabbis house.


His two male parrots are wearing tiny yamulkes and praying in


their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots


and the female parrots say, Hi, were prostitutes, want to have some fun?

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and


exclaims, Put away the siddurs! Our prayers have been answered!