My Uncle Charles, whos 89 years of age, goes to a Catholic church and goes to confession.

He says, Father, Im 89 years old and Im having an affair with a 25 year old girl.

The Priest asks him how long since his last confession.

Charles says Ive never been to confession, Im Jewish.

The Priest says, so why are you telling me this?


Charles says Im telling everyone.

My Jewish brother married a Catholic wife. They have two daughters, with a son on the way. The wife has been taking the daughters to church every Sunday.

One Sunday, during High Mass, the older daughter whispers in her mother’s ear, Can we go home now?

Not yet, replies her mother, the Mass is only half over.

We can go now, Mommy. I’m half-Jewish.

MONA LISAS JEWISH MOTHER:


After all that money your father and I spent on braces, thats the


biggest smile you can give us?

COLUMBUS JEWISH MOTHER:


I dont care what youve discovered, you still could have written!

MICHELANGELOS JEWISH MOTHER:


Cant you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how


hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?

NAPOLEONS JEWISH MOTHER:


All right, if you arent hiding your report card inside your jacket,


take


your hand out of there and show me.

ABRAHAM LINCOLNS JEWISH MOTHER:


Again with the hat? Cant you just wear a baseball cap like the other


kids?

GEORGE WASHINGTONS JEWISH MOTHER:


The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can


kiss


your allowance good-bye!

THOMAS EDISONS JEWISH MOTHER:


Of course Im proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now


turn


it off and get to bed!

PAUL REVERES JEWISH MOTHER:


I dont care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is


past


your curfew.

And, of course, these two, who really did have Jewish mothers:

ALBERT EINSTEINS JEWISH MOTHER:


But its your senior picture. Couldnt you do something about your


hair?

MOSES JEWISH MOTHER:


Thats a nice story. Now tell me where youve really been for the last


forty years.

A woman is riding a bus in the Midwest, when a man gets on the bus and sits down next to her. Hes wearing a black hat, long black coat, black slacks and shoes, and he has a long curly dark beard.

The woman looks at him disgustedly. Jews like you, she hisses at him.

He looks up at her, puzzled, and says, I beg your pardon, madam?

She says, Look at you. All in black, a beard, never take off your hat! Its Jews like you that give the rest of us a bad name.

He says calmly, I beg your pardon, madam, but I am not Jewish. Im Amish.

The woman looks back and smiles, How nice. Youve kept your customs.

Whats the difference between a schlomozel and a schlemeil?

A schlomozel is the guy who walks past a second floor window-ledge and knocks the flower pot off..

A schlemeil is the guy walking underneath….

this ladie needed new blinds so she rung up the company and said i need sum new blinds and they said ok i will be there tommorow.

so the next day the ladie decided to have a shower and while she was in the shower the door bell rang and she asked who is it and he said it is the blind man so thinking that the guy was blind she goes out naked and opened the door and the guy said nice tits

GET IT the blind man HAHAHAHAHAHA =)

WANKERS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Moses went to the airport and saw George Bush. When Bush appraoched him and said hi Moses ignored him. Bush again tried to talk with Moses but Moses still ignored him. Whe Bush asked Moses why he was ignoring him Moses answered…

Because last time i talked to a bush I was in the dessert for40 years!

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.


Pop, what are you talking about? the son screams.

We cant stand the sight of each other any longer, the old man says. Were sick of each other, and Im sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her, and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, Like heck theyre getting divorced, she shouts, Ill take care of this. She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, You are NOT getting divorced! Dont do a single thing until I get there. Im calling my brother back! , and well both be there tomorrow. Until then, dont do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME? and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. Okay, he says, Theyre coming for Passover and paying their own airfares.

Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?


A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

The Tax Man

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit

the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned

to the Rabbi and said, I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with

Good question, noted the Rabbi. We save them up and send them

back to the


candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of


candles.


Oh, replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual


question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way What

about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs? Ah, yes,


> replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with


an unanswerable question. We collect them and send them back to the

manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo


balls.

I see, replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could

fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. Well, Rabbi,


> > he went on, what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the

circumcisions you perform? Here, too, we do not waste, answered

the Rabbi. What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to

the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.