The Rabbi rose with a red face and said, Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the KKK. This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community.

No one moved.

The Rabbi continued, Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and ! in your heart you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!

Again all was quiet.

Slowly a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop, rose in the third pew. Her head was


bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke.

Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets…

…and then they all had tea.

God offered his tablet of commandments to the world. He first approached the Italians. What commandments do you offer? they said.


He answered, Thou shalt not murder.


They answered Sorry, we are not interested.


Next he offered it to the Romanians. What commandments do you offer? they said.


He answered, Thou shalt not steal.


They answered, Sorry, we are not interested.


Next he offered them to the French. What commandments do you offer? they asked.


Thou shalt not covet they neighbors wife.


Sorry we are not interested, they answered.


Finally he approached the Jews.


How much? they asked.


Its free, he answered. Well take ten of them!

How did the Rabbi translate hebrew to english He aded a ch

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother hes fallen in love and


that he is going to get married. He says, Just for fun, Ma, Im going


to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one Im going to


marry. The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits


them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, Okay,


Ma, guess which one Im going to marry. She immediately replies,


The one on the right. Thats amazing, Ma. Youre right. How did you


know? The Jewish mother replies, I dont like her.

Q. What is the difference between Jewish and non-Jewish women?


A. Non-Jewish women have real orgasms and fake diamonds.

NASA had sent many shuttles to orbit the earth and attempted to include passengers of all races, colour and creed.

One day, they realised they hadnt invited anyone from the clergy so they invited a priest and a rabbi to orbit the earth.

Upon their return, they were asked to go straight to the Media room to give the world their impressions of the experience.

The priest came into the room with a smile on his face. His statement was full of joy. He said, It was totally amazing. I saw the sun rise and set. I saw the beautiful oceans. Im truly in awe.

But the rabbi came into the room completely dishevelled. His beard was tangled, his kippot was askew and his tallis was creased. The reporters asked him whether he enjoyed the experience.

He threw his hands in the air and said, Enjoy? Oy vay, you must be joking. How could I find time to enjoy? Every few minutes the sun was rising and setting! So it was on with the tefillin, off with the tefillin, mincha, maariv, mincha, maariv…. Oy Gevalt.

Subject: Vus titzuch

President Bush calls in the Head of the CIA and asks, How come the Jews know everything before we do?

The CIA chief says, The Jews have this expression :Vus titzuch?


The President says, Hell, whats that mean?

Well, Mr. President, replies the CIA chief, Its a Yiddish expression which roughly translates to whats happening. They just ask each other and they know everything.

The President decides to personally go undercover to determine if this is true. He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, beard, long black coat) and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car, and dropped off in Brooklyns most Jewish neighborhood.

Soon a little old man comes shuffling along. The President stops him and whispers, Vus titzuch?

The old guy whispers back: Bush is in Brooklyn.

Shlomo wants to buy a parrot and goes to a pet shop to see what they have.


The assistant shows him a parrot and explains that this one is really quite special – it can speak most languages. So Shlomo decides to test this out.


Do you speak English? asks Shlomo.


Yes, replied the parrot.


Hablas Espanol? asks Shlomo.


Si, replied the parrot.


Parlez vouz Francais? asks Shlomo.


Oui, replied the parrot.


Sprechen sie Deutsch? asks Shlomo.


Ja, replied the parrot.


Shlomo pauses for a while, then


asks the parrot, Do you speak Yiddish?


The parrot shrugs its shoulders and says, Nu? Vis a nose like dis,


vot you tink?

An old man walks into a church, and goes for a confession.

The priest pulls back the window, and the old man says:Forgive me father, for I have sinned

The priest says: Tell me, my son….


The old man explains: I am 80 years old, and I have recently started a relationship with a woman of 25. She is absolutely gorgeous, and we have been having unbelievable sex 3 or 4 times a day, every day…I can almost not catch my breath…its a mind-blowing experience

The priest then asks: How long has this relationship been going on?


The old man replies: About 2 months…

The priest then asks: When was the first time that you confessed this relationship?


The old man replies:Today

The priest asks:Why is this the first time?


The old man explains:Actually this is my first ever confession…

The priests (naturally) asks: Why?


The old man explains: Well, actually, Im Jewish…

The priest is exasperated…In that case, why are you telling me…???!


The old man explains…

Im telling EVERYBODY…..!!!

A drunk Russian guy walks up to a Jewish guy and says to him,why are all you dirty Jews so rich and yet so mean?

To which the Jewish guy replies, I am not a rich man and none of my Jewish friends are rich either

Feeling angered at the Russian guys question the Jewish guy then asks why are all Russian girls called Natasha and work as prostitutes?

To which the Russian guy replies in shocked anger,thats not fair to say that, my grand mothers name is Svetlana and she nolonger works as a prostitute!