An elderly Jewish man was traveling by slow train from Minsk to Pinsk. At one of the frequent stops he felt hungry and bought a large salt herring. At the same stop a young Russian boy entered into his compartment and as the old man slowly munched his herring the young boy began to tease him.

He said You Jews have a reputation of being so smart. How come that you are all so clever? The old man said to him in answer Since you are such a polite young man and asked so nicely, I will tell you the secret, if you promise not to tell a soul The boy swore by all that was holy that he would never reveal such a precious secret, so the old man finally told him We Jews are so smart because we eat the head of the salt herring The boy was really impressed and said I would like to get smart right away, I see you still have the head of the herring you have just eaten, would you sell it to me?

The old man was reluctant, but in the end he gave in and said All right, all right, you can have it for a ruble Well, a ruble was a high price, but the boy could not wait to get started, so he paid and began to eat the head of the herring. When he was nearly finished he shouted, Wait a minute, I saw you by that whole herring for just ten kopecks and I paid you ten times that just for the head!

The old Jew smiled back at him and said You see, it is begging to work already

Rachel and Esther meet for the first time in fifty years since university.

Rachel begins to tell Esther about her children. My son is a doctor and hes got four kids. My daughter is married to a lawyer and they have three great kids. So tell me Esther, how about your kids?

Esther replies, Unfortunately, Morty and I dont have any children and so we have no grandchildren either.

Rachel says, No children? … and no grand kids? So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation?

There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby. The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbis family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbis pay situation. You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd. Having children is an act of God!

In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said… Point of information – snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much we wear rubbers!

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are discussing what they do with donations to their respective religious organizations.

The minister says that he draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands in the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands outside the circle, he keeps.

The priest uses a similar method. He draws the circle, but whatever lands outside the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands inside, he keeps.

The rabbi has a slightly different method of dividing the money. He throws all the money up in the air. Whatever God wants, he keeps.

Three rabbis are standing around schmoosing when one of them says, Weve got a terrible problem with mice in the basement of the shul. Traps, cheese. Nothing works.

The second rabbi says, Same thing with us. We tried it all. Still we have mice.

The third rabbi says, We had the very same problem—but not anymore! Now the other two rabbis are interested. How did you do it?

It was easy. I went down in the basement, gathered all the mice together and performed a mass bar mitzvah. And we havent seen any of them since!

Q: What’s a Jew’s favorite candy

A: Mazel-toffee

One day, two bees are buzzing around whats left of a rose bush.

Hows your summer been? asks bee number one.

Not too good, says bee two. Lotta rain, lotta cold. There arent enough flowers, therefore not enough pollen.

The first bee has an idea. Hey, why dont you go down to the corner and hang a left? Theres a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit.

Bee two buzzes, Thanks! and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again.

How was the bar mitzvah? asks the first bee.

Great! replies the second.

The first bee, however, notices a small circle on his friends head, and inquires, Whats that on your head?

A yarmulke, is the answer. I didnt want them to think I was a Wasp.

There was a young fellow who emigrated from Russia to Texas. He worked hard and prospered. He had a good life and sent for his father to join him.


His father looked like a religious Jew. The son decided hed be happier if his appearance were more that of a native Texan. So, he brought him into a barbershop and had his beard shaved off. He then had him fitted with a tall Texan hat.


After all that, he noticed his father was crying. When his son asked why, his dad relied, Im crying because we lost the Alamo.

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Oh dont mind me, Ill just sit in the dark

Moisha and Esther Rabinowitz move into a highly Orthodox community in Monsey, and want to join a local shul. They seem appropriate for the community, and the Rabbi comes to their house to make certain that everything in the house


meets requirements.

All of the mezuzahs are in place and have been certified. Good.

The kitchen has two stoves, two refrigerators, two dishwashers, two prep areas, two sinks, but has five sets of dishes and five sets of flatware.

The Rabbi says, Four I can understand, Pesach meat and dairy, Non-Pesach meat and dairy. So, what do you need the fifth set for?

Esher answers, For Traif.