For 3 years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn.

The last time hed finally managed an affair with the innkeepers daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

Helen, why didnt you write when you learned you were pregnant? he cried. I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!

Well, she said, when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin and talkin and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.

The terrorists have siezed the Attorney Building along with everyone in it.

They are demanding $10 Million.

But the negotiations break down as the deadline appears. The terrorists announce to the Police,
In case you think were not serious, if our demands arent met, were going to start releasing the lawyers, one at a time.

If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?

Shoot the lawyer twice

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long
trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back
to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

Your honor, he said, I wanna get out a warrant for that
dirty lawyer of mine.

Why ? asked the judge. He won your acquittal. What do you
want to have him arrested for ?

Well, your honor, replied Carlson, I didnt have the money to pay
his fee, so he went and took the car I stole.

You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence
for a man of your background, sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

If I wasnt under oath, Id return the compliment, replied the
witness.

Look, Im tired of typing. Go buy the book: Larry Wilde,
The Ultimate Lawyers Joke Book. Bantam books. $2.95 (Canada $3.95).

A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they’ll have something to spend over there.

They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.

A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer.

During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions.



Your Honor, replied the defendant, that man represented me in a bitter divorce. One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held. The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get. My lawyer told me I didnt have to be present and not to worry.



I cant see why youd punch a man for that, interrupted the judge.



Wait, theres more…

When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side. I asked why.

Then he said, Because everythings coming up Roses.



THATS when I hit him!

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a $50 bet. Amanpreet agrees and theyre off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. Help me find my ball. Look over there, he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. Ive found my ball! he announces. After all of the years weve been partners and playing together," Jon says, "youd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks? What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!And youre a liar, too! Jon says. Ill have you know Ive been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!

Defendant: Your Honor, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.



Judge: And why is that?



Defendant: Because the Public Defender isnt interested in my case.



Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendants motion?



Public Defender: Im sorry, Your Honor. I wasnt listening.

Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer

1. Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.

1. When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.

3. Your lawyer picks the jury by playing duck-duck-goose.

4. Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.

5. A prison guard is shaving your head.

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, Just what the hell you are doing?



Well, said the guy, you see, Im a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just cant help practicing my art!



Thats the stupidest thing Ive ever heard! the guy replied. Im a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?