A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the drivers side of the Lexus. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
I cant believe how materialistic you lawyers are, he said. You are so focused on your possessions that you dont notice anything else.
How can you say such a thing? asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, Dont you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.
Ahhh! screamed the lawyer. Wheres my Rolex!"

Joke found on http://www.doorseva.com

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first one said, I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered.

I think librarians are the easiest said the second surgeon when you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered

The third surgeon said, I prefer to operate on electricians, all their organs are color coded.

The fourth one shakes his head and says, I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are interchangeable!

What is the difference between a lawyer and a sperm?

At least a sperm has a one in one million chance of becoming a human

being.

Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands werent met.

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. So, he said, I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.

You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000. The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon.

Now then, Im returning $5,000, and were going to decide this case solely on its merits.

A man calls his lawyers office. When the receptionist answers the phone he asks to speak to Mr. Taylor, his lawyer.

The receptionist replies, Im sorry, but Mr. Taylor died last week. The man says nothing and hangs up the phone.

The next day he calls the office and again asks for Mr. Taylor. The receptionist says, Sir, I told you yesterday that Mr. Taylor has died. The man again says nothing and hangs up the phone.

The next day he calls the office again and asks for his lawyer. The receptionist gets angry and says Sir, I have told you for two days that Mr. Taylor has passed away. Why do you continue to call?

The man then answers I like hearing good news when I call my lawyers office.

COWS: Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that the United States government can track a cow born nearly three years ago in Canada, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And then track her calves right to their current stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each one a cow.THE CONSTITUTION: They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why dont we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart
guys, its worked for over 200 years and were not using it anymore.THE TEN COMMANDMENTS: The real reason that we cant have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse? You cannot post Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery and Thou Shall Not Lie in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment.

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat? The lawyer replied, Of course, how much was the roast? $7.98.

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150 .

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker, were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesnt like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her.



After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didnt like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her.



The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didnt like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself.

A woman appeared in front of Satan at the gates of hell.

Oh, I know *you* he said. Youre that wench who tempted all those men in room 1 into adultery.

Thats me, the lass said with a sway of her hips.

Look, said Satan, Youre obviously a beautiful young woman. What are you doing here so soon?

Well, its a sad story. You see, one of the unlucky wives caught me in bed with her husband. She pulled out a gun and aimed for him and hit me instead.

How unfortunate. Seeing as how youve given obvious pleasure to many people and were deprived of continuing this noble pursuit by accident, Ill give you a choice of three rooms to spend eternity.

In the first room were countless criminals, hung by their thumbs.

Lets see the second room.

The second room was even worse, countless lawyers hung by their toes.

Please let me see the third room!

She glanced in to see young, attractive people of both sexes standing around drinking coffee. But they were standing in a foot of manure.

Wow, these are my kind of people! And despite what their standing in, they seem to be having a good time.

Are
you sure? These are all gigolos and prostitutes.

WOW! My kind of people. Let me in!

She was admitted, the door closed, and a low voice called out: Coffee breaks over! Back on your heads!