These Lawyer jokes are from the Nolo Press newspaper.

What do lawyers use for birth control?

Their personalities.

Why dont you ever see lawyers at the beach?

The cats keep covering them up with sand.

Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case.

Look, said one to the other, lets be honest with each other.

Okay, you first, replied the other.

That was the end of the discussion.

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
What the hell do you think youre doing?
Im a chiropractor, and Im just keeping in practice while Im waiting in line.
Well, Im a lawyer, but you dont see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?

Amazing and true lawyer statements. Lawyers typically aren’t funny — unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide…

1) Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

2) Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?

3) Q: What happened then?

A: He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.’ Q: Did he kill you?

4) Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

5) The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

6) Were you alone or by yourself.

7) How long have you been a French Canadian?

8) Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

9) Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.

A: That’s me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

10) Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

11) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

12) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?

A: I’ll be three months on November

8. Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?

A: Yes. Q: What were you doing at that time?

13) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?

A: I used to be. Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

14) So you were gone until you returned?

15) Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes. Q: How many were boys?

A: None. Q: Were there girls?

16) You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

17) Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

18) Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?

A: Not yet.

19) A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, “Your Honor, I’d like to strike the next question.”

20) Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?

A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that so?

A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandits head, and said, Youre under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or Ill blow your brains out.

But the bandit didnt speak English, and the Ranger didnt speak Spanish.

Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Rangers message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

What did he say? asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, He said Get lost, Gringo. You wouldnt dare shoot me!

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, Weve been waiting a long time for you.

What do you mean, he replied, Im only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?

45? Youre not 45, youre 82, replied the angel.

Wait a minute. If you think Im 82 then you have the wrong guy. Im only 45. I can show you my birth certificate.

Hold on. Let me go check, said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82…

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking companys fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didnt you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
Well, Ill tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the–"
I didnt ask for any details, the lawyer interrupted. Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road–
Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joes answer and told the lawyer so.
Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didnt want to move. However, I could hear ol Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

The devil visited a lawyers office and made him an offer. I can arrange some things for you, the devil said. Ill increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; youll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wifes soul, your childrens souls, and their childrens souls rot in hell for eternity.

The lawyer thought for a moment. Whats the catch? he asked.

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, I dont mind all this attention, but what makes me so special? St. Peter replied, Well, Ive added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. -I know,- he says, they say you cant take it with you. But who knows? Suppose theyre mistaken. Id like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that its useful, Ill have something. They each agree to carry out his wish.
Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, -Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we havent be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friends money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.-

At this the priest says, -I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested.-

Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says -I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.-

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.

I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?

Funny you should come to me, said the Rabbi. Like you I too brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he too comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian.

What did you do? asked the Lawyer.

I turned to God for the answer replied the Rabbi.

And what did he say? pressed the Lawyer.

God said, Funny you should come to me…